also, is it grabby, want to read more?, any feedback really would be greatly appreciated. Am very new, 1st novel no feedback so far.

This place broke something inside of me. More than the beatings or lock-ins from my childhood, watching other Learners is a much greater horror. Some bang the walls at night, cut themselves, throw food and feces, or just walk all with dead eyes, but these are not the ones who scare me. I am afraid when they are quiet, when the banging and walking stops. Then, they just sit, shrouded by the corners of halls and entryways, crying. There is a chorus of crying corpses lurking in shadows and sucking the life out of the air here, but no one ever mentions them, not other Learners or the Counselors, and every so often the corners are empty

 

This place broke something inside of me(Very generic. I have no Idea where "this place" is. A farm, a field, a jailhouse? I have no atmosphere for what takes place next, nothing to visualize as to where things take place) . More than(are you implying this place "broke" you more? I found this didn't run together well. I think its because The next lines describe how it scares you, not how it breaks you.) the beatings or lock-ins (<- found lock-ins weak for your writing ability) from my childhood, watching other Learners is a much greater horror.(maybe this is what threw me, going from being broken to horrorified, I associate this as two seperate things)

( new paragraph)Some bang the walls at night, cut themselves, throw food and feces, or just walk all (delete "all") with dead eyes, but these are not the ones who scare me. I am afraid when they are quiet( confusing - you say SOME do these things, so I would assume that the others are quiet. this implies you are only afraid of the ones that are queit, but were noisy before), when the banging and walking stops( i'd delete "when the banging and walking stops). Then, they just sit, shrouded by shadows in the corners of halls and entryways, crying(not so quiet). There is a chorus of crying ( this definetely doesnt seem quiet)corpses lurking in shadows and sucking the life out of the air here(delete "here")new sentence ->, but no one ever mentions them, not other Learners or the Counselors, and every so often the corners are empty

I thought it was strong writing, I liked it. I got a sense of what you are trying to show us here, but I had to read between the lines to get to it, whereas with a bit of clean up it would work smoother. I would suggest breaking up into a few more sentences than what you have on the second paragraph. I find shorter sentences can give the words in them more strength.

example

Quote:
Some bang the walls at night, cut themselves, throw food and feces, or just walk all with dead eyes, but these are not the ones who scare me. I am afraid when they are queit, when the banging and walking stops. Then, they just sit, shrouded by the corners of halls and entryways, crying.

break it up a bit (I added some just to help my explanation, please take with a grain of salt);

Some bang the walls. Some cut themselves. Some throw food and feces, all the while interrupting there disturbing behavior with fits of screaming. But this is not what scares me. I am afraid when they become quiet; when the banging of flesh on steel doors and the pleading screams stop. I feel my jaw tense and my hands shake when I see them sitting motionless in the corners of the halls and entrance ways.

I apologize if I went a bit overboard with the example - and I'm sure not everyone will agree with me - But I do feel this is what you were trying to convey.

Like I said, solid writing, liked it very much.

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited August 01, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited August 01, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited August 01, 2008).]
 

I actually liked the first sentence, but you need to give me some bearing after this or I get lost.

I agree with Devnal regarding getting rid of the "lock-ins" and the unneeded words "all" and "here."

Also, I like your word use regarding the crying and the silence, but Devnal is right - you need to separate these and then justify why the silence is worse.
 

Every time I read it I thought something was wrong with it, but your comments help a lot.

The place is a reeductation facility, next paragraph. I dont want to be too descriptive or maybe I do- not sure, because I want to convey the hollowness annd numbness that the MC now feels.

I will revise it and repost.

Thanks for taking a look! ^_^ Smiley faces with abandon.