Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Always the same (chapter 3)

This is topic Always the same (chapter 3) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Rosalie005 (Member # 3676) on :

I'm in the process of rethinking how to do the first two chapters where the reader meets Takeshi. This chapter is the first one that the reader meets Scylus. Feedback is always welcomed.

Don’t leave.” Scylus cried, his voice cracking despite his best efforts. “Please don’t leave me.”
It was already too late and he knew it, but he wasn’t ready to believe it. He wasn’t ready to accept it, he always believed that his father would be there with him. His father was the one who had gotten him out of their house before it had been attacked, he couldn't die. But even as Scylus thought this couldn’t be happening, he knew it was. His father’s muscles, bones and skin had already begun to dissolve and deteriorate. As he gripped his father’s hand he could feel the bones begin to snap and break under the pressure.
“We have to keep moving.” Erius whispered from the doorway before he quickly darted back out. He was responsible for

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 30, 2008).]

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

At the end of the last chapter, was this scene already painted through someone else's eyes? If so, I might suggest moving the dialogue (spoken and internal) a little further down, so we can see the setting/character again first. Or just add one sentence at the start??

Or is this a new scene that the reader has not seen before? If so, I would suggest describing the scene first.

Its hard to judge without seeing what came right before this.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited October 31, 2008).]