The original version:
Drew was opening presents in the very best dining room when his father walked in, trailed by three visitors. His arrival was so unexpected that every single person in the room froze in shock. Drew watched as a ribbon fell from his mother’s hand and drifted onto the edge of the table where it teetered and began its slow descent to the floor. It settled there, only to be stirred up when Drew’s father stalked by.
“Why are there humans in my formal dining room?” His whisper echoed like thunder in the silent room. Drew’s friends wiggled out of their chairs without moving them, and stood, rigid with fear, staring at their bare feet. Major, Drew’s aging retriever, leaned against his legs and growled so softly that Drew felt it more than he heard it.
After revision:
“Why are there humans in my formal dining room?”
Drew’s first reaction to his father’s arrival was disappointment. He didn’t want much—just a chance to celebrate his birthday with his friends, not the politically powerful faeries on his father’s guest list. But when he looked into his father's eyes, disappointment changed to fear and shame. His friends would take the blame for this. Major growled softly, and Drew looked away and buried his hands in Major’s fur. A ribbon fell from his mother’s hand and drifted onto the edge of the table where it teetered and began its slow descent to the floor. It settled there, only to be stirred up when Drew’s father stalked by. He grabbed his wife's wrists and shook her. “Forcing your son to sit with slaves. Shame on you!”
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited December 31, 2008).]
quote:
Drew was opening presents [Why? Was it his birthday?] in the [very best dining room<--[How many do they have?] when [his father<--If this is Drew's PoV, you want to call his father by what he does: Father; Dad; Pop; Pappy, etc.] walked in, trailed by three visitors. [His<--Who? arrival was so unexpected[,] that every single person in the room [There are others in the room? How many?] froze in shock. Drew watched as a ribbon fell from [his mother’s<--the same distancing issue as "his father".] hand and drifted onto the edge of the table[,] where it teetered and began its slow descent to the floor. [Why? And was she with Father or already in the room?] [It<--What?] settled there, only to be stirred up when Drew’s father stalked by.“Why are there humans in my formal dining room?” His whisper echoed like thunder in the silent room. [He's not human? Back up. What is he? How many are humans?] Drew’s friends wiggled out of their chairs without moving them, and stood, rigid with fear, staring at their bare feet. [Why are their feet bare?] Major, Drew’s aging retriever, leaned against his legs and growled so softly that Drew felt it more than he heard it.
Good things:
1) Nice imagery.
2) We know there is a speculative element.
Problems are:
1) Everyone should know what Drew and his father is right off.
2) How many people are in the room?
3) There is more time spent on the ribbon than Drew's friends or explaining what Drew's family are.
4) There is no fear of consequences (which is something I'd expect from the PoV), or any penetration to his feelings.
If it's from Drew's PoV, maybe he sees his father and knows he's in trouble because his father is prejudiced against non-faeries.
As usual, I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 26, 2008).]
Every single person froze at Dad's entrance-- but Drew concentrated on a ribbon falling? Not consistent for me.
Also -- I cannot visualize a ribbon "teetering"
"Why are there humans in my formal dining room?" This implies either that humans are allowed in another dining room or possibly other rooms in the house -- Is this what you intended?
His whisper echoed like thunder -- too hyperbolic for the scene I think
quote:
There is no fear of consequences (which is something I'd expect from the PoV), or any penetration to his feelings.If it's from Drew's PoV, maybe he sees his father and knows he's in trouble because his father is prejudiced against non-faeries
Help me with this issue. This isn't the first time someone has said that I don't penetrate deeply enough into a character's feelings--and I think I must not know how to do it. I'm trying to show, not tell, and I'm not sure what essential element I am missing.
Again, I hope this helps.
PS - If you have 60,000 words this way, adding the above-mentioned will probably give you 100,000 words.
It can be hard, but if you do go into your character's head to revise it and get a real connection with him, then you probably at the same time can cut some of the hyperbolic literary devices.
"Rigid with fear" (a bit of a cliche), for example.
One thing you may need to do to get emotional depth here is (and I'm assuming, because I haven't read more, which I'd like to before saying something like this) to actually make a real person out of your character. I don't mean believe he's real or anything.
But have you fleshed him out, so there's some whole persona there, who has specific reactions to his father, to his mother's fears, to the future before him? Have you invested him and the other characters with more than physical appearances?
When I had to take the next step with my story in "characterization" I realized I was playing off a lot of what I read in books, rather than what I saw in people. I'm sure plenty of writers have to get this realization too--that instead of going on what they know from books, it's time to equate the reality around them with what they're creating on the page.
And I really love the bit of the world I'm seeing around the edges here. It sounds like lots of fun. Don't let a big need for revision stop you!
Maybe I am over reading where you plan to go, and it is just a suggestion.
Good luck.
cordially,
I'll be back in the next day or two with a revision of these 13 lines. In our house, Christmas break means long lines at the computer. Thank you for the suggestions.
Melanie
quote:
But have you fleshed him out, so there's some whole persona there, who has specific reactions to his father, to his mother's fears, to the future before him? Have you invested him and the other characters with more than physical appearances?
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited December 29, 2008).]
It just complicates things for you in fiction as well as, I imagine, real life.
Sorry. Cuts both ways for all of us. I'm glad you've figured out why this is happening, though!
If Drew doesn't reveal his feelings, you need to make sure that we'll understand that about him, by knowing what his feelings are that are being suppressed from the other people around him.
Also, he only cares about the people on his plane--that is, the characters on the page with him. I don't know if keeping that in mind is helpful, but otherwise his tough times, if he has to admit to feelings and such, won't mean anything to the people you want to identify with him. The people on your plane.
Am I not making any sense?
Well, good luck, anyhow.
quote:
“Why are there humans in my formal dining room?”
Drew’s first reaction to his father’s arrival was disappointment. He didn’t want much—just a chance to celebrate his birthday with his friends, not the politically powerful faeries on his father’s guest list. But when he looked into his father's eyes, disappointment changed to fear and shame. His friends would take the blame for this. Major growled softly, and Drew looked away and buried his hands in Major’s fur. A ribbon fell from his mother’s hand and drifted onto the edge of the table where it teetered and began its slow descent to the floor. It settled there, only to be stirred up when Drew’s father stalked by. He grabbed his wife's wrists and shook her. “Forcing your son to sit with slaves. Shame on you!”
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited December 31, 2008).]
quote:
“Why are there humans in my formal dining room?” [Who says this?]
[When] Drew first [heard his father, his good mood deflated].<--[Showing instead of telling us he "felt disappointment.] He didn’t want much—just a chance to celebrate his birthday with his friends, not the politically powerful faeries on his father’s guest list.<--[Nice.] But when he looked into his father's eyes, disappointment changed to fear and shame. His friends would take the blame for this. Major[, Drew's dog,] growled softly, and Drew looked away [From?]and buried his hands in Major’s fur. A ribbon fell from his mother’s hand and drifted onto the edge of the table where it teetered and began its slow descent to the floor. It settled there, only to be stirred up when Drew’s father stalked by. He [Who?] grabbed his wife's wrists and shook her. “Forcing your son to sit with slaves. Shame on you!”<--[Nice.]