Okay, let the ripping begin!
The Guardians Of Gravenhurst:
First 13
It wasn’t the first time I woke from a nightmare frightened to the point where I was running out my front door from the red-eyed shadow that was trying to kill me in my bed room. It wasn’t the first time I’d fallen along the slick sidewalk behind Market Square and cut up my legs. It wasn’t even the first time I’d come to an abrupt halt in front of the house with the two doors, suddenly forgetting what I was running from in the first place. All I knew was that I needed to come here, to be safe…
This would never change, no matter how many times I tried to stop it. Nightmares ruled my waking life like a leash around my neck and I had no choice but to go where they led. Only, sometimes I think they didn’t even know where they wanted me to
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 09, 2009).]
quote:
It wasn’t the first time I woke from a nightmare frightened to the point where I was running out my front door from the red-eyed shadow that was trying to kill me in my bed room.
This sentence feels somewhat run-on to me. I feel that perhaps you could break it up with some commas, semi-colons, or hyphens.
This sentence also transits from past tense "It wasn't..." to present tense "I'd woke", back to past tense, "I was running". The change back and forth is really confusing. I'll put an example below as to how you might be able to change it.
Example: "It wasn't the first time I'd woken from a nightmare, frightened and running out my front door from the red-eyed shadow trying to kill me."
Keep in mind this is just an example.
There are some clutter words that really aren't needed, and contribute nothing to the story. I've bolded the words above.
An example of this is the "to the point where I was". Instead of saying this, you can simply say how badly she is frightened. "frightened and running out of my front door."
quote:
It wasn’t the first time I’d fallen along the slick sidewalk behind Market Square and cut up my legs. It wasn’t even the first time I’d come to an abrupt halt in front of the house with the two doors, suddenly forgetting what I was running from in the first place. All I knew was that I needed to come here, to be safe…
The bold words here I feel could be left out. A halt is generally abrupt, and therefore it doesn't really need to be described as such. Suddenly, in my opinion, is an adverb that should be avoided. I feel in this sentence it waters things down.
quote:
This would never change, no matter how many times I tried to stop it.
I feel this sentence might sound better if it were switched around. Example: "No matter how many times I tried to stop it, it would never change."
quote:
Nightmares ruled my waking life like a leash around my neck and I had no choice but to go where they led.
Perhaps a comma after "around my neck" would break up this sentence, and make it read a little better.
quote:
Only, sometimes I think they didn’t even know where they wanted me to be and the control they had over me was more of a torture than a means to an end.
This confused me. Are the nightmares living, breathing creatures? I had thought they were, literally, nightmares, but now I'm wondering if they are living creatures called nightmares... I am confused.
quote:
Tears pooled at the corners of my eyes but I wouldn’t let them fall. Thank God it was dark and no one could see me standing out in the middle of the street in my pajamas that were hanging around my legs in shreds. My favorite pajamas…damn nightmares.
The first sentence confuses me. If tears pool at the corner of your eyes, you have no choice but to let them fall. Unless of course, you wipe them off, but if this is the case then it should say so.
The second sentence feels a bit run on. I feel a couple commas, or something to break it up, would be nice.
The last line comes across as awkward. This person is upset enough to have tears fill his or her eyes, and now he/she is talking about his tattered, favorite pajamas? It seems a bit of a leap.
I enjoyed reading it, and I look forward to seeing any revisions you might do. I hope my comments helped you. Keep it at, it has good potential.
P.S. And I do like that silly word, "Suddenly" it's annoying...I know...I appologise ahead of time!
P.P.S. Uhm, anyone know why my original post was "edited"? It's missing a line at the end...?
TC
[This message has been edited by TC Ashley (edited January 09, 2009).]
quote:
Huh...ya know...I never thought of it like that. I've been so wrapped up in stuff, because--Ainslie-- my main character...is a nut case....she just doesn't know that she's NOT crazy. I don't know if this helps or not but the actual book is writen the way it is because it's Ainslie's diary...beleive me, it gets nuttier. But, I know my self too well...I hate commas...and those pesky punctuation marks...I do however like the little three dash mark thing (...) for some reason...I'll do some thinking and repost it...thanks for the input though...I fresh pair of eyes always helps!
I understand that you might have some dislikes. But you can't have too many run on sentences, no matter how much you dislike certain forms of punctuation. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, it just makes it hard to read.
As far as being crazy goes, that works. You have to make sure, however, that the audience can follow the character. The audience shouldn't be completely confused, despite her crazy streak. If things are too crazy the book will simply be a jumble of words.
The word suddenly can typically be changed with a better verb. Not that you cant ever use it, just be careful its not used too often.
If you're writing to get published, there are unfortunately sacrifices you have to make. You sometimes have to drop words you enjoy, or use sentence structure you might not favor. I'm not the one to say what you can or cannot use. I am, however, here to give you feedback on what I think as a reader. That doesn't mean I'm right, either. See what the others say about it, and go from there
quote:
P.P.S. Uhm, anyone know why my original post was "edited"? It's missing a line at the end...?
It might be because it was too long.
the cut off point is moderated by Kathleen// It is sometimes a bugabear to figure out just what that is, but if you cut and paste your story into the submission box, 13 lines is about what you end up with before you scroll the arrow on the right down// now for your story/// first impression is I am hearing a story about nightmares, the red eyed shadow is out to get your MC and there is only one safe place to go, the place with the two doors///I'm not hooked into caring for your MC at this point ///perhaps there's a bit of confusion on my part about whether your MC is dreaming it all///sleepwalking/// or dreaming about the red eyed shadow then waking and running/// the ambiguity kills the tension for me/// others might say waking from dreams is way overdone (cliche) I wrote some of these too so I will let that pass hope this helps
Question though. Yes, starting a chapter with waking from a dream is a bit cliche BUT what if it's pivotal? What if it turns out to be something completely different? What if the MC "Ainslie" is completely aware of this in her life and that fact forces her out of her "self made prison"???
And please don't worry about being brutal--I learned how to write in the Marines. I'm use to my "copy" "bleeding" to death. It makes me better to have an outside view.
[This message has been edited by TC Ashley (edited January 09, 2009).]
Only thing for me is when you say "nightmares ruled my waking life." I got confused there, wondering if she's having nightmares during the day. I'm not clear what you mean there. Is she having nightmares while awake, or is her fear of having a nightmare at night so troubling it's effecting her during the day?
Nice opening, I like the voice. I can almost hear her speaking.
quote:
Hmmm. I like you guys. Thanks for being honest. It's hard to keep in mind that, yes "I" know where the story is going but those reading might just be annoied with it--I have things to think about.
It's true. I make the same mistake myself. Go look at my novel first 13 and you'll see it. It's very easy to forget that the audience doesn't know what you know. It's one of those things you just have to think about, until it just sits in the back of your mind at all times.
quote:
Question though. Yes, starting a chapter with waking from a dream is a bit cliche BUT what if it's pivotal? What if it turns out to be something completely different? What if the MC "Ainslie" is completely aware of this in her life and that fact forces her out of her "self made prison"???
It depends here. Starting the first chapter with a dream, or flashback, or anything of the sort can be dangerous. There are multiple reasons for this:
A :) Your characters have not yet been established. The first chapter should be dedicated to fleshing them out, while simultaneously hooking the reader, and giving hints of conflict to come.
B :) Starting with a dream can confuse the audience. They're given all of this story, and all of these things that are happening, and all of the sudden the character wakes up, and things are completely different.
C :) The audience can get frustrated. I know that I don't want to read 15 pages of a story, only to find out in the next chapter that its a dream. Now, there are obviously some exceptions, but its very hard to make it fit, and not disorient or frustrate the audience, while also building character development.
My advice would be: Really, really think about it. Search every possible manner you can think of. If you honestly cannot find another way to start the story, then go ahead. Just be wary, and make sure the audience is completely aware of whats happening.
quote:
And please don't worry about being brutal--I learned how to write in the Marines. I'm use to my "copy" "bleeding" to death. It makes me better to have an outside view.
Very true. I love critiques. I may be honest, but I try and not be too brutal. I hope I've helped.
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 10, 2009).]
Don't show the dream until after you've shown the character struggling with the aftermath of one. That could help you with characterization and the problem of the dreams might help you with your hook.
thought's of stories based on just that are already starting to churn
TC
I may not have time for a day or two, but I'll get to it eventually.
The only suggestions I would make are these:
1)It wasn’t the first time I woke from a nightmare frightened to the point where I was running out my front door from the red-eyed shadow that was trying to kill me in my bed room.
I would change it to: It wasn’t the first time I woke from a nightmare frightened to the point thatI was running out my front door from the red-eyed shadow was trying to kill me in my room. --I think this keeps your original goal of the rapid, crazy diary speak without making it hard on the reader. Very subtle changes, but I think they make for a smoother read.
2) Only, sometimes I think they didn’t even know where they wanted me to
I would change to: Only, sometimes...I think they didn’t even know where they wanted me to
Very nice work here.
I have a REALLY slow return time for stuff at the moment, but I'm sufficiently interested by your concept and character description that I'd love to look at the outline for you. Again, I can't promise anything quick, so it's up to you.
Did you know we have a Novel Support Group (NSG) going in the Hatrack Groups area?* Come have a look at us and see if it would help you!(Inarticulate Babbler reposted the instructions in this weeks thread)
Cheers,
BC
P.S. I've gotten myself to quit using 'suddenly', but I can't quite pry myself away from using 'and then' to start a sentance, and I'm far too fond of the word 'perhaps'.
(*shameless attempt to get more people with intersting stories to join!)