Pitch:
Vampires aren’t pets. It’s important that you understand this from the beginning because if you’d rather go on believing that you can pick one up at the pound and tie it up in the back yard, then you and I really don’t have much to say to one another.
Annie lives in San Antonio, Texas. Her story, Thirst, hearkens back to the horrific stories of the old blood-drinkers, except that Annie sees nothing horrific in ripping out veins in dance club bathrooms. She and her friend Will lack superhuman sexiness and don’t dress in black leather; they discuss the advantages of high SPF sunblock. And Annie begins to accept the loss of her old lover, with the human psychologist who doesn’t believe in vampires, not yet.
Will Annie drink her therapist? Can her friend Will get her into bed at last? And what will happen to the mortal infant who finds a home with a young vampire couple, a couple that Annie doesn’t trust?
Thirst is a rare speculative fiction tale, one that will horrify you, not with styleless writing, but with a vampire who follows murder with bubble baths. Readers of vampire novels will enjoy Annie’s sarcasm, understand her struggle to accept the death of her sweetheart, and relate to her desire to drink the blood of annoying people.
Thirst is my third novel. While the first two gave me invaluable experience and made great kindling, I’m hoping to share Thirst with real people, not just with my hamsters. My work has appeared in Toasted Cheese Literary Journal and Cover of Darkness Magazine. I have an M. A. in English Language and Literature from Abilene Christian University. My husband and I live and teach in South Korea, a country sadly devoid of vampires.
[This message has been edited by Yufae (edited January 15, 2009).]
good pitch. I especially liked the little tag line about South Korea being "sadly devoid of vampires." New Zealand doesn't have any either. We have Taniwha instead, and I rather think a good Taniwha would put a whole coven of revenants to flight.
Ard-choille,
Rob Roy
quote:
Vampires aren’t pets. It’s important that you understand this from the beginning because if you’d rather go on believing that you can pick one up at the pound and tie it up in the back yard, then you and I really don’t have much to say to one another.
quote:
This is my main character Anne…
quote:
Annie lives in San Antonio, Texas. Her story,
quote:
Thirst, hearkens back to the horrific stories of the old blood-drinkers, except that Annie sees nothing horrific in ripping out veins in dance club bathrooms.
quote:
She and her friend Will lack superhuman sexiness and don’t dress in black leather; they discuss the advantages of high SPF sunblock.
quote:
And Annie begins to accept the loss of her old lover, with the human psychologist who doesn’t believe in vampires, not yet.
quote:
Will Annie drink her therapist?
quote:
Can her friend Will get her into bed at last?
quote:
And what will happen to the mortal infant who finds a home with a young vampire couple, a couple that Annie doesn’t trust?
quote:
Thirst is a rare speculative fiction tale,
quote:
one that will horrify you,
quote:
not with styleless writing,
quote:
but with a vampire who follows murder with bubble baths.
quote:
Readers of vampire novels will enjoy
quote:
Annie’s sarcasm,
quote:
understand her struggle to accept the death of her sweetheart,
quote:
and relate to her desire to drink the blood of annoying people.
quote:
Thirst is my third novel.
quote:
While the first two gave me invaluable experience and made great kindling, I’m hoping to share Thirst with real people, not just with my hamsters.
quote:
My work has appeared in Toasted Cheese Literary Journal and Cover of Darkness Magazine.
quote:
I have previous publishing experience in short fiction with my latest appearing in Cover of Darkness Magazine.
quote:
I have an M. A. in English Language and Literature from Abilene Christian University.
quote:
My husband and I live and teach in South Korea, a country sadly devoid of vampires.
quote:
Outstanding portion in your novel
This is an exert of my vampire epic, Thirst. Anne is unlike most women living in San Antonio. A woman that is dealing with the loss of an old lover, spends her evenings trolling the local nightclubs, and does her best to stay out of the hot sun of the Texas prairie.
Anne is a vampire, but isn’t like the vampires of legend; superhuman, irresistible, and dressing in black leather. Her and friend, Will, talk of the advantages of high SPF sun block but avoid talk of his feelings for her. Her sarcastic wit is a cover for her pain. She seeks the aid of a psychologist to deal with her loss during the day, and rips out the veins of victims in dance club bathrooms at night. She’ll follow a murder with a bubble bath and isn’t above drinking the blood from people that annoy her. Anne fights the urge to drink her therapist and wonders why a mortal infant lives with a young vampire couple. A day with Anne is unlike any day you’ll ever experience.
Thirst is my third novel. I have previous publishing experience in short fiction with my latest appearing in Cover of Darkness Magazine. I have an M. A. in English Language and Literature from Abilene Christian University. My husband and I live and teach in South Korea, a country sadly devoid of vampires.
Vampires aren’t pets. It’s important that you understand this from the beginning because if you’d rather go on believing that you can pick one up at the pound and tie it up in the back yard, then you and I really don’t have much to say to one another.
This intro just confused me. To my knowledge, no one ever has vampires as pets. It was even more confusing after I read the rest of the pitch. There's nothing in it to suggest that vampires might be taken as pets. While I appreciate the stab at humor and the voice, it left me confused as to why pets come into this at all.
Annie lives in San Antonio, Texas As your first sentence, this really falls flat. The fact that she lives in San Antonio is uninteresting. Her story, Thirst, hearkens back to the horrific stories of the old blood-drinkers, except that Annie sees nothing horrific in ripping out veins in dance club bathrooms This is the send time you've used this device, that is, telling us what something is not. In the intro you tell us vampires aren't pets. Here, you tell us Annie doesn't feel a certain way. This might work once; twice, imo, is pushing it. She and her friend Will lack superhuman sexiness and don’t dress in black leather; they discuss the advantages of high SPF sunblock Okay, cute. This is the first sentence that might hook me. And Annie begins to accept the loss of her old lover, with the the help of a {? I think this is what you're trying to say}human psychologist who doesn’t believe in vampires,period might serve you better here. not yet okay, nice. This is the first bit that actually suggests there's a story going on here.
Will Annie drink her therapist? Can her friend Will get her into bed at last? And what will happen to the mortal infant who finds a home with a young vampire couple, a couple that Annie doesn’t trust? Huh? Bombarding me with questions really isn't making me interested in the book. I'm rather lost right now, to tell you the truth. I have no idea what the story is. So far it seems like a hodgepodge of events. You have no logline. You might not need one for this purpose, since your objective is to entice readers to get your book. Nevertheless, I have little sense of what the story is.
Thirst is a rare speculative fiction tale I'm averse to someone telling me something is rare, one that will horrify you or what something will do to me--I'd rather the story and characters evoke these emotions, or at least promise them] , not with styleless writing Not sure what styleless writing is, and again, the same device--telling us what something is not, or what something won't do, but with a vampire who follows murder with bubble bathsthis tidbit is fantastic. this is a great example of letting your story do the work for you. I almost think you could lead with this. Readers of vampire novels will enjoy Annie’s sarcasm Will I?, understand her struggle to accept the death of her sweetheart, and relate to her desire to drink the blood of annoying people Again, will I?.
Thirst is my third novel. While the first two gave me invaluable experience and made great kindling, I’m hoping to share Thirst with real people, not just with my hamsters. My work has appeared in Toasted Cheese Literary Journal and Cover of Darkness Magazine. I have an M. A. in English Language and Literature from Abilene Christian University. My husband and I live and teach in South Korea, a country sadly devoid of vampires.Cute bio.
There are definitely some cute bits in there, but over all to me it's too slippery. At the end of the day I know more about what the novel should do to me than what the novel's actually about.
As always, these are only the opinions of one aspiring author. Take what works for you and leave the rest.
Snapper and Anne's advice is great.
One link I'll add is Miss Snark's blog
http://misssnark.blogspot.com/
I have no idea how to search through the blog (there's years of material on there), but there is a heap of material about how to construct a pitch to an agent.
Regards,
Nick
Yep, you're right, it would change the pitch. Sorry, I didn't know that the Amazon breakthrough novel award was based on pitching to an editor/general public. I hadn't heard of it before.
I think there's still probably a few helpful tips in Miss Snark's blog, but you'd have to modify them a bit.
Cheers,
Nick
The BookEnds blog just finished sharing and critiquing several query letters from writers who got published. Might want to check them out: http://bookendslitagency.blogspot.com/.
Here's the site: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B001UG39T2
You might try looking at http://queryshark.blogspot.com/
She actually has reviewed a number of vampire-related fiction.
One thing I've read is that unpublished works don't impress editors or agents, so the fact that you've generated kindling
(although a common but true fate for many of us) might not be the polish on your creds that you need.
- Owasm