Hey everyone. This is the first thirteen lines of Kingsworn, first book in my fantasy Gods of Alder series. The novel is 145k words, give or take.
“Lord Harvais of Twotowns has expressed displeasure at the size of his chambers. He claims that the pavilion he brought along would be far more comfortable if he simply slept out in the camps with his men.” Lord Calein Tyrsen stood in front of the large window of tempered glass ordered at no small expense from Tyaona, looking out over Caltrop below and beyond to the harbor. Though he seemed intent on the view, Valla was certain he could have easily repeated back every word of her so-far lengthy report.
Any thoughts you guys might have would be appreciated.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 04, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Natej11 (edited April 04, 2009).]
Posted by Dogmatic (Member # 8425) on :
Hi Natej11, I like the description and setup but it seems to full of exposition and setting without moving us into the story. Although I am somewhat tired of everything having to have a hook within the first 13 lines I understand a publishers need for it and do feel it may be needed here.
I would rather hear more about the character or emotion in the first paragraph then the setting. Perhaps a hint at what darkness he may be hiding? Vagueness of a character isn't interesting at the beginning of a story unless you're quickly going to delve into it in the next paragraph.
But like I said I liked your description and setting. Thanks for sharing Steve
Posted by Natej11 (Member # 8547) on :
Thanks Steve, I was looking at that descriptive paragraph myself and thinking it could be moved down a bit, fit some more dialogue in before describing the office. I'll give it a bit of reworking and see if I can't brighten it up.
Nate.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :