My new Historical Fiction, (tentatively) entitled Exile:
quote:
Groth followed his father, Am Brae, into the white-coated woods. He carried his atlatl and long-darts gripped in his right fist, like his father. If they came on any prey, Groth didn't want to fumble with his weapon and cause their quarry to flee; game was harder and harder to come by. Worse: It would disappoint Am Brae. Groth worked hard to avoid father's stone-face stare. He was the chief's only son, and it would be a bad omen to fail the hunt which was to be his rite of passage. Fail twice, under clan law, and he would be exiled.
Am Brae moved quietly through the powdery snow, sliding his feet underneath the fluffy cover to muffle his steps. He looked back on Groth with a flare of pride. The boy mimicked him. They tracked a vicious beast, one that could kill them as easily as they it.
(This is two words over 13 lines.)
Alternate Opening Below!
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 02, 2009).]
Rolls up sleeves… My take:
Your title foreshadows his failure. I like the tension of this hunt’s stakes (and its danger); interesting situation. Good characterization so far. Setting is just a tad thin, and the amount of backstory might be a bit too much this early. POV shifts from son to father in the second paragraph smoothly, but I would need to read more to see if you can get away with it. I like the varied sentence lengths; you use short sentences to good effect.
“white-coated woods” made me think of white-wash paint, or white coats hanging from tree branches, or …? It took a bit to think snow. Maybe move the (excellent) sentence about walking through the snow into 2nd place? (Although its good where it is.)
I like the weaponry. “like his father” makes sense, you’re showing the leader-follower role, but father is used several times. Perhaps: as he had been taught. Or: Each clansman/hunter/warrior carried his… (scratch that; sounds like more than two)
“harder and harder to come by” gives us two extra words where we could find out why instead: game was harder to come by as winter deepened.
I stumbled on the colon; prefer a comma: “Worse, it would…”
“Groth worked hard to avoid father's” If he’s using it as a name, should it be Father’s? his father’s? stone-faced stare—effective!
“He was the chief's only son” He who? I paused, not sure exactly who you meant. Had to read more to be sure. Would prefer if you state that Am Brae is the chief.
So this hunt is his rite of passage? Maybe say “this hunt”. Would he really call it a rite of passage?
Failing under clan law? Or Exiled under clan law? I know both apply, but it seemed a tiny bit off. Suggest: “Fail twice, and, under clan law, he would be exiled.” Meh, too many commas. I liked it fine as-is on the first reading.
“as easily as they it” sounds awkward.
“any prey”, “quarry”, “game” sounds like they will attack whatever placid creature they happen to find.
“tracked a vicious beast” sounds like the father knows something that the boy doesn’t, but I didn’t pick up on it right away. Instead it struck me as withholding and ambivalent. Perhaps say: His son didn’t realize that he tracked a… And if they are tracking it, he knows what it is. You don’t need a sentence to explain the mooncat—why not call it a vicious bear or whatever?
I’m nothing if not picky! Take what you like and leave the rest. Overall, I am intrigued.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 21, 2009).]
):Am Brae moved quietly through the powdery snow, sliding his feet underneath the fluffy cover to muffle his steps.
The perspective switch did give me a tiny pause, but I think that's expected. It was interesting to know the father's thoughts. His son is so concerned with making his father proud that I didn't expect him (the father) to actually be proud. I think that means you did a good job, because I was totally in the kid's head.
quote:
Am Brae moved quietly through the powdery snow, sliding his feet underneath the fluffy cover to muffle his steps.
...er, yes. Must have missed that line! Probably as I only read the first paragraph.
Still, I would have had to change the mental image created in a preceeding paragraph, had I read it. It's one thing to wait a sentence to clear up something, quite another to wait a paragraph.
The only benefit of 'white-coated woods' is its poetic element, but you shouldn't substitute poetry for clarity. You could use the line elsewhere later and insert something a little clearer up front.
(You probably just think I am being thick! Possible.)
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 22, 2009).]
I automatically picture "white-coated" in a setting as snow. It might be because I live in Maine. I'll have to think about that one...I don't want to get bogged down with description at the beginning--when I need to set things in motion--and I guess it only really matters if it would stop you from going on to the fourteenth line. I've already discussed with a friend what possible "indicator words" I could use early on to show this is in omniscient, rather than 3pl. Maybe lengthening the setting description could serve in that capacity.
I think that establishes the nature of the POV more clearly than a swift POV change after a paragraph--sure that does the trick but it feels a little jarring.
So, yes, I agree a little setting first (that is preferably outside of their vision, e.g. Though the snow clouds swirled above them, neither hunter noticed. Their eyes flicked from one paw print in the snow to the next--the Yeti was near and hungry...) you can etablish your omniscient better.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 22, 2009).]
I like skadder's suggestion of mentioning something neither of the characters could see to indicate omniscient.
quote:
Though ancient trees snatched at him with gnarly limbs, fingered branches, and a web of roots rose up to grab at his feet, Groth glided through the woods like the ghosts of his ancestors. He had to, for the slightest sound could leave him dead. Clansmen from the Dire Wolf Clan, his own people, hunted him like he was Raven Clan. He actually stood accused of murdering his father, Chief Am Brae, for the right to clan leadership. His father! His mother had died in a clan raid when he was but five summers old, and Am Brae had chosen to raise Groth--instead of passing him off to the communal clan mothers. He'd adored his father. Everything he excelled at was to impress Am Brae. It was not only an insult to accuse Groth of his father's murder, it was foolish.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 02, 2009).]
It was a very rich opening, resonated, even though I picked it apart! (I take it back...) Your first version feels like the right place to start.I only gave this new version one quick read; I do like the comparison to ghosts. And you do seem to be slipping into backstory again...
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited June 02, 2009).]
That doesn't mean that's a problem, though. I mean "Galbatorix" apparently passes as a legitimate name. And it makes me think of albatross.
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited June 02, 2009).]
The second one explains too much, which being an attempt to get right into the action, doesn't do as well as the first one.