May 18, 2008 ... Just north of Pierre, South Dakota
After the little two-seat Piper Super Cub entered the cloud bank the turbulence started immediately. It was a constant rocking and rolling motion interrupted several times each minute by a sharp, staccato-like, up and down.
“Son of a bitch,” Jack Hanson said to himself. “I knew I shouldn’t be going on this trip.” The ominous weather the forecaster had painted for him in his pre-flight briefing was only part of the problem. He was having second thoughts about making a trip to meet with a woman he had no contact with other than their chats over the internet and a few phone calls.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited May 24, 2009).]
The "After ... immediately." construction of the first sentence didn't work for me. I wonder if it'd benefit from dropping either (Immediately upon entering the cloud back the little two-seat Piper Super Cub hit turbulence / After the little two-seat Piper Super Cub entered the cloud bank the turbulence started.)
Wary of it being used as a crutch, I'm not usually a fan of characters talking to themselves. Hanson's soliloquy suggests to me that this may make a frequent appearance in what follows rather than emotive narrative.
Should we be told immediately whether Jack Hanson is the pilot? A passenger in a small aircraft might accompany a pilot during preflight at some airfields.
The little two-seat Piper Super Cub entered the cloud bank and the turbulence started immediately. A constant rocking and rolling motion interrupted several times each minute by a sharp, staccato-like, up and down.
“Son of a bitch,” Jack Hanson said to himself. “I knew I shouldn’t be going on this trip.” The ominous weather the forecaster had painted for him in his pre-flight briefing was only part of the problem. He was having second thoughts about making a trip to meet with a woman he had no contact with other than their chats over the internet and a few phone calls.
The bumping and thumping from the turbulence continued to get worse, the sharp jabs coming seconds apart now. Jack thought about requesting a heading change from Air Traffic Control