Kyle's eyes weren't always purple. But as he stared into the mirror, he couldn't help but notice the two pools of amethyst staring back at him. Surrounding the purple eyes which did not belong in his head was a face that had no business being there either. He recognized himself, it was definitely him, but he looked different. His face was lean, his skin was clear. None of the baby fat or acne that his fifteen year old face normally possessed in abundance. His ears, which normally did a passable Dumbo impression, had assumed a more flattering position closer to his head. His normally unruly brown hair was straighter, longer, and most definitely black. Although unexplainable, the changes were quite acceptable. Except the purple. That was just weird.
Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :
I like the style. I love the end of the paragraph. It made me smile. I am wondering why he isn't more freaked out, though, that doesn't ring true. I mean, if I woke up twenty pounds lighter I might be delighted - once I searched the bed for a giant tapeworm and did all kinds of hysterical internet searches using search phrases like 'cancer' and 'really rapid weight loss'. This kid is just, like, you know, thinking "Cool".
Posted by CaptJay76 (Member # 8769) on :
Savant, thank you for your comments. I'm glad it made you smile. This paragraph is a fair example of the tone of the whole piece. There's excitement, and mystery, but it's done with a smile most of the time.
As for Kyle not being freaked out, he is. Trust me. I get into that around, oh, line 14 or so. But what I was going for here was immediately building up the reader's curiosity and wonder.
I know, though, that if I need to explain myself, I didn't write it well. Should I include Kyle's "freakout" in the first 13, or would you as a reader be sufficiently interested to read on?
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
I don't think you can start with him sounding cool about the whole thing, and then freaking out. I'd say give it another try with a more unified feel to it. We don't need every detail about the change in the first 13. The phrase "Although unexplainable, the changes were quite acceptable" should come only after he accepts the change.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited August 24, 2009).]
Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :
I don't know if I am the right reader or the wrong one for you. I read juvenile fiction because SOMETIMES it is not pornographic (though it is frequently stoopid instead) but more because I homeschooled for so long and my son is as avid a reader as I am. Plus I read really quickly so I was vetting books for other parent's. I read the whole Twilight series before my 12 year old niece did (it is what I would consider borderline material for up to 16 year olds) I told her she could read them but only after we discussed the issues I had with them.
So I would keep reading because I KNOW adolescents, particularly young ones, would not think : purple eyes are impossible with human DNA, even it it weren't overnight phenomenom.
And sometimes I really like the really 'out there' books. The humor will help a lot. It's something I have to work on myself. So maybe have him throw up in the first four lines, then examine himself more closely in the next nine. Just kidding, Mrs. Brown might
Posted by CaptJay76 (Member # 8769) on :
Savant & Mrs Brown, thanks. I think you're both correct. I had a way I was going with the whole "freak out" thing, but I now realize that he has to freak out first. Gonna try and get it rewritten, and I'll post my revision.
But what I was going for here was immediately building up the reader's curiosity and wonder.