Please answer the standard questions; does it hold your attention? what can I do to strengthen?
[It felt to Rian as though all of the sound had been sucked from the air. The night was suddenly heavy, and filled with a sense of dread. Rian whirled, his hand going to the long dagger he usually wore at his hip, and saw a flash of green-tinged light emanating from the Keep, followed by a long, sustained boom, like a roll of thunder.
What Rian saw then chilled his blood and made his stomach feel like it would fall forever. The green light did not fade with the thunder, and in fact seemed to glow brighter. The silhouette of the crenellations was jet black against the green light that seemed to be originating from within the courtyard of the Keep.
Rian burst into his home, and exclaimed, "Someone's attacking the Keep!", causing the rest of his family to jump. ]
Welcome! And thanks for sharing your work.
The intro did hold my attention. So it has enough hook for me. After reading I felt mostly clear of what was happening. I'll get to that - first though, the word "crenellations" knocked me out - I'm unfamiliar with it, but more importantly it didn't seem to fit with sentence flow or the fantasy theme. It sort of sounds modern. Would a person of that time use the word crenellations? So heads up on that. Others might feel the same.
I think the "what Rian felt..." line could be modified, perhaps remove the "What Rian saw next" part of the line. Just state what Rian felt; it'll make it tighter and read better, I think.
Also, I wasn't clear what made Rian react that way. Would he have reacted the same way if the light did fade away? Wouldn't the xplosion itself chill his blood? What exactly chilled his blood and why? To me it seemed that it was because the light didn't fade away. But I wasn't sure of it or why.
Little nitpick: to me "in fact..." sounds better that "and in fact..." in the "The green light..." line.
The last line reads okay, but it may not be the standard way of presenting dialogue.
Usually it's something like:
Rian burst into his home.
"Someone's attacking the Keep!" Rian exclaimed, causing is family to jump.
But I'm no expert on this stuff, just an inclination I got.
Otherwise a solid intro. Good work.
Happy writing,
~bb~
[This message has been edited by billawaboy (edited October 10, 2009).]
Here is my take on your rewrite.
quote:
As Rian was about to turn in for the evening, (The phrase 'turn in' made me think he was already inside the keep about to go to sleep, but he is outside. Is he returning home? Is he on the draw bridge? At the front door? Be specific.) it felt as though all of the sound was sucked from the air (I don't like feeling sound sucked from the air. What he is feeling is a change in air pressure, and that is what you should describe), leaving the night suddenly heavy with dread. He whirled, his hand going to the his long dagger he usually wore at his hip, just in time to see a flash of green light emanating from the Keep, followed by a sustained boom like a roll of thunder. The green light did not fade with the thunder, but rather seemed to glowed brighter. The silhouette of the battlements was jet black against the green light that appeared to originate from within the courtyard of the Keep. Rian's blood chilled, and in his stomach he felt like he was falling.The description of the green light is good, but the prose could use a little tightening. I suggest deleting everything I put in italics.
Rian burst into his home(specific room), and exclaimed, "Someone's attacking the Keep!" The rest of his family jumped up (from where? The dinner table?) and crowded toward the front door.
Good begining. The prose could use some tightening, and we need some specific details on where he is and what his family is doing to help ground the reader.
Hope this helps.
(It's been a long time since I've posted here, so I hope I remember the tricks to html.)You might want to go back to the first version of your first sentence, with adjustments. The second version doesn't have the impact a first sentence really needs:
quote:
It felt to Rian as though all of the sound had been sucked from the air.
quote:
As Rian was about to turn in for the evening, it felt as though all of the sound was sucked from the air, leaving the night suddenly heavy with dread.
Starting with a vague "it" is generally not a strong beginning. Go right to the heart of your sentence: Rian felt as though all sound had been sucked from the air.
From there, be mindful of tightening up and using verbs to their utmost advantage. You can replace the weaker "was" with a little sleight of hand. Instead of "The night was suddenly heavy, and filled with a sense of dread," "The suddenly heavy night filled with a sense of dread" can relay the same info with less words and a stronger verb.
Trim out flabby wordage like "he usually wore" and just write "going to the long dagger at his hip." The readers will do their job and deduce that that is the usual place for Rian's dagger. Ditto with "just." "...in time" is sufficient.
"Jet black" may be considered cliche, and you don't want to prejudice an editor against your work in the first few lines. Well, you don't want to prejudice an editor at all, but you know what I mean.
You might consider doing away with Rian's blood chilling, which sounds a little like you're trying to evoke a reaction from the reader by telling him how to feel rather than allowing him to feel the chilling himself from the story particulars. You can easily go from the thunder to the non-fading light and leave out that one sentence. When Rian bursts into his home and announces the trouble, the reader should respond with the appropriate blood chilling.
quote:
Rian burst into his home, and exclaimed, "Someone's attacking the Keep!", causing the rest of his family to jump.
The length of this sentence, however, keeps the reader from jumping. Shorter sentences suggest urgency. To help capture that urgency, you can leave out the tag, "and exclaimed," since the exclamation point does the job:
Rian burst into his home. "Someone's atacking the Keep!"
"The rest of his family" can be whittled down to "his family," and that sentence is where you can start adding a few more details.
I'd have liked to have had a sense of where Rian was when he saw all this. Was he in his yard, on a ridge above his home? Did he have to run far to reach his home? Maybe between "...the Keep" and "Rian burst..." you can fill us in.
I think it's a good beginning, though, a good start with action that promises some excitement.
[It felt to Rian as though all of the sound had been sucked from the air. **There are a couple of things awkward about the first sentence, esp. sound being sucked from the air. I don't think of sound as being a property of air.** The night was suddenly heavy, and filled with a sense of dread. Rian whirled, his hand going to the long dagger he usually wore at his hip, and saw a flash of green-tinged light emanating from the Keep, followed by a long, sustained boom, like a roll of thunder.
What Rian saw then chilled his blood and made his stomach feel like it would fall forever. **feel like... forever' was awkward for me.** The green light did not fade with the thunder, and in fact seemed to glow brighter. The silhouette of the crenellations was jet black against the green light that seemed to be originating from within the courtyard of the Keep. **This sentence was awkward, too. I puzzled out what you were saying but you may want to be more clear that the green light was originating from the courtyard and outlining the black crenellations against the light or something**
Rian burst into his home **not the keep? what is his home?**, and exclaimed, "Someone's attacking the Keep!", causing the rest of his family to jump. **this one needs a little work. Causing his family to jump up and... or just causing them all to start? The mental image I got was more humorous than anything else.** ]
I was hooked and would have kept reading though the couple of places above made me stop and winkle out what you were saying which would eventually make me set it aside. I liked the silhouette of crenellations against the green light, nice imagery; I'd like to see it expanded.
[Rian was about to turn in for the evening; as he reached for the front door of his family home, he felt as though the world inhaled, leaving the night suddenly heavy, silent and still. He whirled, his hand going to his long dagger at his hip, and saw a flash of green light emanating from within Greywind Keep up the hill, followed by a sustained boom like a roll of thunder. The green light did not fade with the thunder, but rather seemed to glow brighter. The silhouette of the battlements was jet black against the eerie green light that appeared to originate from within the courtyard of the Keep. He could just make out figures of men-at-arms backlit, running along the parapet and shouting.
Rian then burst into his home. "Someone's attacking the Keep!"]
Thanks once again for the sincere help!
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 14, 2009).]
I like the dad grabbing him by the belt. It puts an age on the boy and an attitude we can get interested in.
I've often noticed saying "he felt" is a way of qualifying. Like saying "it seemed..." It tends to weaken prose: did he it happen or did he only feel that way? That stuck out to me on your first sentence. I'd kill those two words, it is obvious you are working with magic, go ahead and run with it!
Rian gasped in horror as the world inhaled and all sound was sucked from the air...
I think it odd his father would react that way. Is he concerned about the keep or his son? Otherwise, good job. I'd keep reading...