Hatrack River Writers Workshop: SF-Marcy's Tale, First thirteen, Chapter 2

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Posted by Jeff (Member # 8854) on :

‘Bombardment complete, Captain.’

‘Thank you, Chief.’

The Captain of the Impulse viewed the destruction that loomed before him on the operations master HUD, and frowned. Half of an entire planet, bombarded from the heavens with conventional orbital bombs.

God help me, I’m starting to develop a conscience about these things, he thought.

In comparison with some recent missions that he had served on, this was only a minor sweep-and-clear operation. According to estimates, loss of life had not even reached a billion, yet.

The Chief spoke up from his station. ‘Sir, the Admiral just issued orders to the assault force,

Above is the same 13 tweaked just a little bit. I considered the suggestions and made some changes. My concern is that I don't want the first 13 to sound sarcastic in light of half a planet being bombarded with ordinance. I'm not big into characters that are cold and callous, so I am really glad that was brought up. Does it still sound sarcastic at this point?

‘Bombardment complete, Captain.’
‘Thank you, Chief.’
The Captain of the Gun Cruiser Impulse viewed the destruction that loomed before him on the operations master HUD. Half of an entire planet, bombarded from the heavens with conventional orbital bombs. God help him, but he was starting to develop a conscious about these things. In comparison with some of the more recent missions that he had served on, this was only a minor sweep-and-clear operation. According to real time estimates, loss of life had not even reached a billion, yet.
The Chief spoke up from his station. ‘Sir, the Admiral just issued orders via tight-band laser to the assault force,

And it continues on from there but this is all I could fit without spaces and without scrolling. Like Chapter 1 I'm looking for feedback on the hook, and readability. Thanks.

[This message has been edited by Jeff (edited October 29, 2009).]

Posted by TaoArtGuy (Member # 8857) on :

Hi,

Interesting and I would read further. However, there are a couple of minor things.

God help him, but he was starting to develop a conscious about these things.
I assume you meant conscience instead of conscious.

Can you show us that this is starting to bother him instead of telling? Maybe he winces or flinches when first seeing the extent of the destruction. Just a thought.

Posted by Jeff (Member # 8854) on :

Spell check doesn't pick up stuff spelled correctly, I guess, Thank you.

I'm still working on my showing instead of telling. It's part of that new writer smell that hasn't worn off me yet.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

Back to conscience. The way it currently reads, I take it as sarcasm. I don't think he's really bothered by it (hadn't reached a billion yet?). Is this your intention? If you really mean him to be bothered, then TaoArtGuy is correct - it needs to be shown. Currently, I'm not sure what the Captain's attitude is.

As far as readability:

quote:
The Captain of the Gun Cruiser Impulse...

is a mouthful. I think I'd go with:

quote:
Captain X viewed the destruction he'd caused on the Impulse's master HUD.

There are extra words you could drop ("more recent","real time","via tight-band laser").

There is sufficient hook.

Posted by Jeff (Member # 8854) on :

Thanks, this is giving me some real direction on how to improve my writing.

Posted by trance (Member # 8530) on :

I read the "had not even reached a billion, yet." as sarcasm as well. It that was your intention, the by simply changing the comma to a dash like so "had not even reached a billion--yet." would clarify that. You could also resort to brackets but this tends to lead to a subjective afterthought feel, although may be appropriate. Eg. "had not even reached a billion (yet)." Small changes can make a huge difference without changing alot. Just my two cents though. It's great otherwise! I'd be hooked into a sale! Keep pushing forward!

Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :

‘Bombardment complete, Captain.’
‘Thank you, Chief.’

The Captain of the Impulse**<==I understand we need his name right away.** viewed the destruction that loomed before him**<== I don't like 'loomed before him'. It slows it down for me. Maybe destruction looming? Or maybe do we not need that extra phrase?** on the operations master HUD, and frowned. Half of an entire planet, bombarded from the heavens with conventional orbital bombs. **orbital?**

God help me, I’m starting to develop a conscience about these things, he thought. **and not before time!**

In comparison with some recent missions that he had served on, this was only a minor sweep-and-clear operation.**<==It seems like the whole first phrase can be dropped and you lose nothing. I think it may have more impact without. We sort of assume he wouldn't be Captain without other such experiences and his manner reinforces that.** According to estimates, loss of life had not even reached a billion, yet.

I don't think I am hooked but you're moving in the right direction. I think the problem is the Captain is pretty anonymous and a billion deaths are, too. We can't relate. One particular death would affect us more, you know? Then we could magnify it ourselves knowing it was being repeated that many more times.