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Posted by Fooglmog (Member # 7970) on :
 
These are the first thirteen lines (actually, a little less) of a story I started writing last week. It's best categorized as a fantasy story, and is based in a fictional Greco-Roman Imperial setting. I'm only a couple thousand words in, but I keep coming back and rewriting my opening.

My problem is essentially that I was thinking about this story (especially the opening) for three or four weeks before I wrote anything down. As such, I have a bunch of different ideas in my head for how to best express the information I want to get across early on. In the different versions floating around in my head, there's about twenty different bits of information that get slotted into the opening one way or another. None of them are things that I can't relate later, but all of them are things that are interesting and could grab a reader (I think). Anyway, I keep rewriting the beginning to shuffle around what exactly I tell the reader and it's beginning to get jumbled for me.

Basically I need to know if this current iteration makes sense to you and if you'd keep reading.

"There is nothing more frightening than a silent mob.

That was the thought that struck Julio as he stared out into the mass of faces before him. None of those faces looked back at him but Julio knew that in a moment, those faces would tilt upward and stare. In the eyes of some he would see fear; in others, anger. Both could lead to violence and he knew that now was the time to act if that was to be avoided. Yet, he did nothing. He wanted to run, but knew that he could not escape. He had only one hope. He threw his dagger on the ground and spoke, “The Emperor is dead!”."

Thoughts are appreciated!

EDIT:

I realized that I didn't post the version I meant to. Corrected now.

[This message has been edited by Fooglmog (edited May 06, 2010).]
 


Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :
 
Fooglmog,

I think the first thing you should correct is this:
"what exactly I tell the reader"
Always try to show, not tell.

Your 13. Since it's in flux, I won't go nuts on it, but suffice to say it's a lot of internal struggle and "knowing" and not a lot happening.
Since I don't know the full story and the voice, I'll not correct ad infinitum until you have an action packed, death soaked 13. But I will suggest how to make it more alive.

Move the last sentence to the top. (change spoke to yelled or something) (insert his full name instead of he)
Now he's got to DEAL with everything else you've mentioned instead of him knowing what will happen and you telling me what he knows.
Thoughts shouldn't strike Julio, the looks on people's faces should. Fear, anger, hatred? Does the silent mob explode in voices of dissension? Do they press forward?

Lastly, regarding the dagger. It seems ambiguous at the moment. I can guess he did the killing, but I don't know it. If you make it a bloody dagger, that removes my doubt and somewhat describes the death. If you make it crimson soaked, it was a nasty killing and that tells me something about the MC also.

Axe
 


Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :
 
I like it. It has a clear conflict and high stakes. I am curious to know if he killed the emperor or not and how he is going to get out of it. My only complaint is that I don't know where he is and I am having a hard time picturing the situation.

A few nits.

quote:
"There is nothing more frightening than a silent mob.

That was the thought that struck Julio (a little wordy how about "Julio thought") as he stared out into the mass of faces before him. None of those faces (again wordy replace with them) looked back at him but Julio knew that in a moment, those faces would tilt upward and stare (wordy how about replacing with "they would". In the eyes of some he would see fear; in others, anger. Both could lead to violence (comma) and he knew that now was the time to act if that was to be avoided (cut italicized not needed). Yet, he did nothing (cut sentence, not needed). He wanted to run, but knew that he could not escape. He had only one hope. He threw his dagger on the ground (Ground? Where is he? I thought he was in some building since the crowd would have to look up to see him. Is he on a hill?) and spoke, “The Emperor is dead!”."


Good luck with this.
 


Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :
 
I know you're building up to the dramatic moment, but I was stalled by trying to get the setting straight. He must have been standing above a crowd of people, yet I want to know why they are there. Is he standing with other people? If they are ignoring him, why will they listen to his one declaration? The vision is all faces and no setting and for me that weakens the story, especially if its an epic fantasy.

I'm not suggesting you put the entire setting for the beginning, but you need to throw in a phrase or two to give a sense of place. Beginnings that are all setting descriptions don't have hooks. Your hook is more than adequate to the task.
 




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