Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Jealousy Kills - Horror

This is topic Jealousy Kills - Horror - Query letter attempt #1 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=26;t=000902

Posted by XD3V0NX on :

Here is the first attempt to my query letter for Jealousy Kills. These query letters are pretty dang hard, let me just say. This was easier to write, though, than the first book I wrote. That one took fooooorever and it still isn't even close to finish (which is why i took a break on that book for awhile).

Anyway, I would like to know how this Query is. Let me know, please, if it's hooking, or if you would like a partial, what would make it better, or anything else that comes to mind.

Thank you all for your reviews. =]

____________________________________________________________

Justin Adams used to have normal thoughts and intentions, and he used to be a great boyfriend. But then he becomes obsessed with Jessica and gets possessed by a jealous, lust-hungry demon.

JEALOUSY KILLS is my 83,000 word Horror novel taking place in Jacksonville, North Carolina. When Justin’s feelings for Jessica get stronger, he finds himself with several conflicting emotions and feels there’s a dark entity lurking inside him. And it’s an entity that gets so strong a red-eyed demon—taking on the appearance of Justin himself—is released and lies, manipulates, and places evil thoughts into his mind.

Then, when Justin thinks a couple of Jessica’s friends try getting in the way of their relationship, the paranoia he faces from her friends stealing her away will drive him insane, if he hasn’t been driven insane by the demon’s twisted games already.

Now it’s up to Justin to fight what’s inside him before it gets stronger. He must remember how much he cares about Jessica, because that might be the only way to end the demon once and for all.

However, if he doesn’t find a way to overcome it, then he will become the demon, and his jealousy will kill.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

quote:
Justin Adams used to have normal thoughts and intentions, and he used to be a great boyfriend. But then he becomes obsessed with Jessica and gets possessed by a jealous, lust-hungry demon.
JEALOUSY KILLS is my 83,000 word Horror novel taking place in Jacksonville, North Carolina. I'd cut everything up to this point. You don't have to have a tag line and the tense in yours is confusing.
When Justin’s feelings for Jessica get stronger, instead of the "get stronger", use "becomes obsessed", here. he finds himself with several conflicting emotions and feels there’s a dark entity lurking inside him. I'd be tempted to break this into two sentences. It just doesn't flow smoothly. And it’s an entity that gets so strong that a red-eyed demon—taking on the appearance of Justin himself—is released and lies, manipulates, and places evil thoughts into his mind. Without the inserted "that", I had to read the last sentence through twice.
Then, when Justin thinks a couple of Jessica’s friends try getting in the way of their relationship, the paranoia he faces from her friends stealing her away will drive him insane, omit "from her friends stealing her away". It's repetitive. if he hasn’t been driven insane by the demon’s twisted games already.
Now it’s up to Justin to fight what’s inside him before it gets stronger. He must remember how much he cares about Jessica, because that might be the only way to end the demon once and for all.
However, if he doesn’t find a way to overcome it, then he will become the demon, and his jealousy will kill.

Put the information about the title, genre, and word count at the end.

In general, I think you need to find one or two select details to bring it to life. Perhaps something at the beginning to help us know what Justin was like before he became obsessed and some detail to show how is jealousy is affecting him now, some specific thing that triggers it or a more detailed description of his red-eyed thoughts.

Good luck.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited July 17, 2010).]

Posted by TrishaH24 (Member # 8673) on :

You have the main points of the story here, but there are a few small things you need to consider.

I think you are switching tenses or something (I can't quite figure it out), but that opening line especially is awkward. Not all bad, but I think you need to fix the way you phrase things:

"Justin Adams used to have normal thoughts and intentions, and he used to be a great boyfriend. But then he becomes..." this is where it sounds awkward. What about:

"But then he became obsessed with [his girlfriend] Jessica and is posessed by a jealous, lust-hungry demon."

And since this is the first time you said Jessica, you might want to explain that she is the girlfriend (like I did in the brackes). You don't have to, but I think it might sound better with it in there.

I think you might be trying to cram the entire story into this query. The second paragraph could be cut out and you aren't going to lose anything. All you have to do is tell who the main character is (Justin), what his conflict is (he's being posessed because he's letting his jealousy get to him) and what is at stake (if he doesn't control himself, he'll end up killing people and lose himself). You're REALLY close! Sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking everything in my story is important enough to be in the query and I have trouble condensing it down.

You do need to end the query with the info about the length and genre of the novel, instead of sticking it in the summary. It threw me off a little.

Other than a little cut and rearrange, you're on the right track. It's a great first attempt at a query!

Good luck!!!

Trisha

[This message has been edited by TrishaH24 (edited July 19, 2010).]

Posted by chalkdustfairy (Member # 9175) on :

What about something that starts out like "Justin Adams is in the fight of his life... against a red-eyed demon who wants to.... (destroy, posess,)" bring in the girlfriend and his only hope/chance.