Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Jealousy Kills Query letter #2

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Posted by XD3V0NX on :

Okay, so here we go for a second time around.

I'm sure this one is better. Let me know your thoughts on this piece please. Anything will help.

Oh, and if you would like a partial just let me know. And we can trade or something.

Thanks.
_____________________________________________________

Dear [Agent]

Justin Adams is in the fight of his life against a red-eyed demon trying to possess him. His girlfriend, Jessica, is scared for her “well-being” and her best friends, Travis and Matt.

Justin’s only hope is to end the demon’s twisted games and protect Jessica from that dark evil. However, there’s another problem: the demon is one with Justin, created through the emotions he has for his girlfriend and they keep growing. His emotions get so intense, in fact, that the demon becomes a stronger entity than Justin himself.

Soon, Justin discovers there’s only one way to stop the evil within. Stopping the demon means stopping himself. If Justin doesn’t die, then Jessica and her friends might.

Either way, someone gets hurt when it’s all said and done.

Jealousy Kills is my horror novel completed at 82,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited July 26, 2010).]

Posted by chalkdustfairy (Member # 9175) on :

Holy smoke! I wasn't expecting his only hope would be killing himself (call me a Pollyanna!). Are you sure there isn't 'another hope'?

I think the second sentence needs a better connection with the first one, a tie-in, something like "and threatens..."
I liked the rest. I don't think you need the last sentence that begins with 'Either'. You could leaave it out, or replace it with something a little more specific maybe.

Posted by XD3V0NX on :

Thank you, chalkdustfairy, for the review. =]

Yes, that is his only hope. This book, as I have heard, is crazy intense! Trisha 24 loved the hell out of it. I have to thank you, though, because you set my query up with an Awesome start! You know, what that whole beginning you had going on: "Justin Adams is in the fight of his life against..." I would never have thought of that start. Well, I might have eventually, but it would have taken some time.

[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited July 26, 2010).]

Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :

IMO there are two problems with this query that keeps me from reading the story.

1. I have no reason to care about the MC. All I know about him is that he loves Jessica and is possessed by a demon. Maybe you can describe how the demon is changing him or hint as to why the demon chose him to posses. Give us some way to identify with him.

2. You give a way the ending. I am guessing that at the end he commits suicide to save Jessica. That can be a powerful but depressing ending, but the reader doesn't want to know how it will end before we even start the book. Especially since we know we are being set up for a pretty depressing read. This might keep some people (even agents) from choosing to read the book. I think you should give us the struggle between him and the demon, but don't tell us how it will end.

This is all JMO, feel free to accept or reject it.

Best luck to you.

Posted by TrishaH24 (Member # 8673) on :

I think because I have read the story, I missed the whole "giving away the end" part. Mostly because that's not what happens. I see what MAP is saying, though. If an agent reads this, he or she might think they already know how things will end and might not be enticed enough to request a partial.

As far as caring about a character goes, I almost always struggle with this one. How far does a writer have to go in a query to make the reader care about a character? Can it be accomplished in the "who/conflict/stakes" skeleton? Or is it something in the style of writing? It's tough. My only thought is to make the conflict stand out: it's Justin against the demon. He doesn't WANT to kill his girlfriend. He doesn't WANT to kill her friends. Nobody WANTS to lose their mind--to be come a murderer. That is the only thought I have.

Having read the story, I really like this query. I think it hits on the major conflict and stakes very well.

Good luck!

Trisha