This is completed but still needing timeline and some editing. Any help advice etc appreciated, anyone wanting to read on is welcome. It is a young adult fantasy fiction novel. Anyone with any martial arts experience would be particularly welcome to look over a couple of scenes for me.
quote:'Angus!' My Father's angry holler disturbs my late afternoon nap, damn he must have discovered I wasn't at school. Pretending not to be in my room, I place a pillow over my head. 'Angus, either you come out here or I will come in there and drag you out!' This shout is even louder than the last one. The pillow is useless. I am six foot ten and built like a behemoth, doubt he can drag me. Then panic sets in, he can't come in my room. This is my sanctuary, my area of control. 'Alright, Dad just chill. I'll get dressed and come out or shall we do this with me in the raw?' I holler back. He doesn't give me the satisfaction of a response. Slowly stretching, I stand up and brush my long unwashed blonde hair out of my eyes. My hair is a major source of contention between my Dad and I.
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 01, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 01, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Kimlin (edited September 01, 2010).]
Posted by PB&Jenny (Member # 9200) on :
Yes, you're right. You do need to clean it up a bit. Interesting beginning. May I read the rest? I'd like to offer a better crit.
PB
Posted by XD3V0NX on :
I think this is a cliche. As for the overall thirteen lines, I like it. I would read on. I have 'some" martial arts experience, as far as martial arts is concerned. I'll take a look at a small partial for you, perhaps the first chapter or two.
I'll give you a better critique after I read your first two chapters.
Good luck.
Posted by Kimlin (Member # 9239) on :
Is it the smelly rebellious teen arguing with his dad that seems cliche?
Posted by Apemantus (Member # 9204) on :
To me, you've got enough good content here to keep someone reading. The physicality of Angus, particularly the 6'10" height and long hair, inspires a intriguing visual. IMO, it is too early to judge it as cliche.
Posted by Kimlin (Member # 9239) on :
Thanks Aside from his physical appearence main aim is to have him a normal teenager. It needs to be almost cliche for the first chapter.
Posted by XD3V0NX on :
What I meant as a cliche was him waking up, or in bed, as a cliche. I didn't look at underneath.
Sorry for not clarifying it better.
Posted by Kimlin (Member # 9239) on :
Ahh thanks think I will keep that cliche it works well The pillow feels important somehow.
Aside from his physical appearence main aim is to have him a normal teenager. It needs to be almost cliche for the first chapter.