Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Cousin to Angels

This is topic Cousin to Angels in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

That's a working title, I need a new one. I think it's Urban Fantasy but a bit different, kinda like the series about Remy Chandler by Thomas E. Sniegoski. If anyone here knows his stuff. Took me long enough to find the book but this idea is also inspired by the genealogy of the main character in Margaret Ronald's Genevieve Scelan-The Hound series. Pretty much a nicely done series.

Never sure if I should include anything about the plot. I'm working on the book but not so seriously. I have two others I want done by Christmas, this one I'm doing to get it out of my head.

Here's the first 13 lines.

Tessa Gilgore glanced up. She saw something out of the corner of her eye but the area looked clear. With a shrug she picked up the next hay bale and threw it on top of the other four. Nice to be able to use my strength without anyone thinking IÕm a freak, she thought. Oops, better hurry so I can get that appointment.Ê

Again, something drew her attention. Tessa turned fast but saw again nothing. It could be nothing, or a coyote. As rare as they were around here, they seemed to be less afraid of people lately. It might be a mountain lion. Or a thief...she knew someone had been around. A thief she could take care of, like that rapest, when she was 15.

[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited September 24, 2010).]

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

Interesting character; I tend to like superior abilities.
I get the attempt at setting up a threat, but it doesn't feel very threatening (or immediate) yet. Some suggestions:

Tessa Gilgore glanced up. She saw something [a shadow? A blur of movement?] out of the corner of her eye but the area looked clear. This juxtaposition didn’t work for me. If she saw something, she’d need to look around first to make sure the area is clear. With a shrug she picked up the next hay bale and threw it on top of the other four. I'd prefer a bit more image; maybe on top of the others heaped on the pickup truck or some such. Nice to be able to use my strength without anyone thinking I’m a freak, she thought.
[cut -> Oops,] B[etter hurry so I can get to that appointment.

[cut -> Again,] Something [what? A sound, a visual cue?] drew her attention. [It would be stronger to say: A harsh rasp sounded behind her – we’ll get that it “drew her attention”.] Tessa turned fast but again saw nothing. It could be [cut 2nd use -> nothing, or] a coyote; as rare as they were around here, they seemed to be less afraid of people lately. It might be a mountain lion. Or a thief...she knew someone had been around. ["was around" if she is thinking about Right Now; if she is thinking of signs that someone had been around in the recent past, clarify that.] A thief she could take care of, like that rapist [cut -> ,] when she was 15.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 27, 2010).]

Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

Thank you, I appreciate your comments.

Some of that though comes in later. She knew someone had been around and someone was there now but she wasn't suppose to sense even that much.

And maybe I should put in the fact that she beat up a rapist, when she 15, later but it adds to the fact of her strength. And it comes into play later.

Not sure how much I want to or need to say about the plot but that leads to something that creates emotional baggage which not only explains why she is out there by herself but comes into play later.

And there is someone there now. As she comes out of the stables, he is standing right where she thought she kept seeing something. He just wants to warn her of something to come.

In this one there isn't much action in the first chapter. Except her remembering of the time she beat up the guy who attacked her.

Thanks again