This is the first '13' lines of my unpublished book. It is in the YA fantasy, romance genre. “They’re coming,” Ardan said as he ran into the room. Shaking, sweating. Six other men were looking back at him, men that had known each other for generations. Their once smooth faces and dark hair had changed over hundreds of years. They were now wrinkled and grey. But that was expected, just like everything in their long lives. Nothing new or unanticipated every happened. They were in control. Always in control. Until now. Now their faces held the unfamiliar look of fear. “We know,” Ronan said as he through clenched teeth. “Now you’ve led them to us.” Four of the men struggled to push a heavy oak bookcase in front of the door. The rest of the room was made of rock, they couldn’t get through that. It didn’t matter how powerful they thought they were.
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
Hello, Melinda. I tend not to comment on the first 13 lines, but if you'd like to swap Prologues, if this is what this is, or the first 3000 or so words, I'm game.
Posted by melinda.jean.lehman (Member # 10053) on :
Oh yes of course, I would love to do this. Check your email.
Posted by Melanie Vera (Member # 10072) on :
"But that was expected, just like everything in their long lives" Just a thought I do not think this needs to be part of the story because it to me portrays that these men do not think that highly of themselves and leaves these characters as weak, which I think with the opening they seemed strong in character. I am new to this. I hope that is a worthy critique and if not sorry.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
“They’re coming,” Ardan said as he ran into the room. Shaking, sweating. Six other men were looking back at him, men that had known each other for generations.
I have a real problem (nit picky problem) in just this snippet.
Why are "shaking" and "sweating" off in their own sentence? Yes, I do use sentence fragments, but this one does not work for me. I suspect that the sweat and shake are meant to be connected to Ardan. However, it seems to me...that we need a little more context sneaked into this opening. Action is nice, but there needs to be more especially as this is not a common location like modern day Paris or the forum in ancient Rome.
Does that make any sense to you?
Posted by Carl F (Member # 10040) on :
I agree with arriki. Wouldn't this be better?
They’re coming,” Ardan said, shaking and sweating, as he ran into the room.
Carl
Posted by Leona12 (Member # 10106) on :
You have a really grabbing opening! I'd personally like to hear a couple more of the mens' names. Not forced in there, but casually thrown out. Maybe Ronan (because he sounds like he's in charge) shouts out the name of the four men and tell them to push the book case into place? Just a suggestion.
Posted by SASpencer (Member # 10044) on :
Instead of "now" making it sound present tense, how about "in that moment" or something better? Plus you have three "now's" in a row. I like it in general. Gets things rolling.