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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Can I get away with this?

   
Author Topic: Can I get away with this?
MaryRobinette
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So, the First Line's sentence this time is
quote:
As the warrior guided his/her horse back home, he/she pondered what the future might hold.
[Note: The author may choose the gender]

Can I get away with the way I'm using the first sentance? Stop me now if I can't.

---
As the warrior guided his horse back home, she pondered what the future might hold. Surilda had watched him from the moment he arrived, and now that he walked away from her, she had a deep longing to call him back. But she did not know his name.

She brushed a strand of her golden hair, still sweat-damp, back from her face. Her hand traced a path down her face to her belly, resting on her womb. Would life quicken there?

His horse’s broad back dappled with shadows as he passed beneath the trees on the path leading to the road. Surilda turned and went back into the tiny hut she shared with her husband. If the warrior chanced to look back, she did not want to be standing in the doorway watching like a girl at a barn dance.


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Christine
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I have no idea. I would take it, but I suggest writing to the first line and simply asking them if that would be all right. They're the only ones who can really give you that answer. (Nice way of looking at it, BTW.)
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MaryRobinette
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I had only been worried if it made sense. I hadn't thought about the possibility of it being against the rules. I'll check on that. Thanks!
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Beth
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It definitely makes sense, and I don't see how it could be against the rules. (But safer to check anyway.)
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GZ
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It makes sense, and is an interesting way to take it.

I don't see how this could be against the rules. So long as you don't change the sentence, what is the problem?

Edit: Oh, not picking consistant gender... Hmm... They didn't say it had to be consistant, but probably is somewhat implied... Still, what you did seems within the realm of what them said you could do.

[This message has been edited by GZ (edited March 05, 2005).]


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wbriggs
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Nice. I have an issue with paragraph 2:
>resting on her womb. Would life quicken there?
I think of the womb as the thing inside, so she couldn't rest her hand _on_ it w/o major surgery. "Near" it?

I'd get more sense of what she felt if it was something like "she could still feel his hands" or some such. Making it more physical.


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mikemunsil
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I had the same nitpick, 'resting over her womb.'?

The first sentence is awkaward as written, but should be 'legal'.


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MaryRobinette
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I had the same problem with "on her womb" but wasn't worried in the rough draft phase. I stopped at thirteen lines figuring I might have to toss them out.

I like "over her womb" and "could still feel his hands." I'll post the real thing when it's written.

Thanks!


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djvdakota
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I'm volunteering in advance!

If you want me, that is.

I think, if legal, your manipulation of the first line works well.

Also, and I know you're not looking for this at this point, but when "Surilda had watched him from the moment he arrived..." it leads me to believe that she did nothing but watch from a distance the whole time he was there. I was very surprised to discover that she had spent the night with him.


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Beth
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I volunteer in advance, too!
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FreyasFriend
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Te sentence works, but I think it might be better written. Just a suggestion.

Surilda watched the warrior guide his horse toward home and pondered what the future might hold.

You might even add, "for them."


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MaryRobinette
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Sorry FreyasFriend, the rules of The First Line is that the sentence must be used as written. Check their guidelines; I posted the link in my first posting for this thread.
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rjzeller
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On technicality I don't see why they could refuse it. They never said, so far as I can tell, that the subject of he/she and his/her had to be the same...

They may even find it to be an unexpected twist that might just be enough to throw you in their favor for original thinking.


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MaryRobinette
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An update. They said it was fine and that they were looking forward to seeing it.
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