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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Wendell

   
Author Topic: Wendell
Jaina
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Wendell is about ready to be torn to bits again. It's about 4,800 words. Don't know exactly what genre... fantasy is close, but not quite it. Anywho, take a look at the first 13 (well, 13 1/2 since I didn't want to leave you with half a sentence) and let me know if you're interested in more.

***

I wish you wouldn’t do that.

Genn smiled. “What, Wendell, open the door for you?”

Yes.

Frankly, she was delighted that he was actually upset that she was opening doors for him, instead of the other way around. Chivalry wasn’t quite dead. But it was silly to expect him to open doors for her--he didn‘t really exist, after all. When she said as much, though, he wasn’t impressed.

That’s not the point. You could pretend, like you do with everything else. It’s a gentleman’s job to open the door for a lady, Genn, he answered.

She started to shrug, then changed her mind and merely said, "Welcome to the twentieth century, Your Highness."

***

Any takers?


Posts: 437 | Registered: Feb 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
limo
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You write really well. Like the idea too and it is introduced in a way that is both interesting and brief. The only issue I have with this is the second line, which feels a bit stilted. “Genn smiled. “What, Wendell, open the door for you?”” Perhaps it just needs a slight rearrangement. “ What? Open the door for you?” and put his name in later. I don’t know that’s only a suggestion.
Also instead of saying “When she said as much, though, he wasn’t impressed.” You could simply say “She said as much, he wasn’t impressed”. But these are minor details and I am a minimalist.
Also starting with Italics means that the first line is easily overlooked – if he is imaginary perhaps use American Typewriter as a font. It stands out and is still vaguely fictional. I know it’s traditional to use italics for imaginary etcs but I think it’s a good idea to explore other options. That’s me as the designer speaking.
In brief this means I'd like to read more.
Li

[This message has been edited by limo (edited April 02, 2005).]


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MCameron
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I'll read it. Send it on over.

--Mel


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GZ
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I was hooked, and would be willing to read the rest.
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TaShaJaRo
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Jaina - Looks interesting. I'll read it.
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Kolona
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I could look at it, though I may not get it to you till next week. Is that too far off?
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Jaina
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Thanks, all! I'll send it along.

Kolona: that's fine. I won't be able to look at all the crits until next week anyway, so it works for me.


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Beth
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As I recall from the first version, the italics are pretty necessary to distinguish Wendell's lines from Genn's nonitalicized internal monolog. It was well done in the first version.

just using a different font is problematic largely for technical reasons - I'm not sure it's an option here, for one thing, and would probably make editors hyperventilate. I think you're right aesthetically, limo, but this is just one of those things that is Just That Way.

ANYWAY I am curious to see what you have done with it - fresh eyes will probably be more useful to you than me taking another read, but if you don't mind, I'd like to see it.


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Survivor
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This does seem like a catchy opening. I don't know that I can do this round, though.
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Jaina
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Beth, if you'd like to read it again, I'm happy to send it along. I think you'll find enough changes to make it worth your while.
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limo
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I think italics work in this text's hardcopy (or cleancopy). They don't show to advantage on screen or in the forum boxes.
It's fine (dramatic sigh) I'm over that issue now. But not to worry I've only been forumed for 4 days I'm sure I'll find something else to niggle about. Also great story - really enjoyable read. li

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Keeley
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I'll read, though I can't promise to send a critique before Thursday.
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Mr_Megalomaniac
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I think it's cute in kind of a creepy way.

"You could pretend, like you do with everything else." That line gives me some trouble, because it seems like it should say, "You could pretend like I do..." because when it says "like you" it seems to sound like he's saying, "You could pretend that you open the door" which she does.

Maybe if the first thing he says is, "I wish you'd let me do that." that might work.


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Keeley
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Jaina, did you send me your story? I don't see it in my Inbox and I'm going through a "oh, please don't say I deleted it" moment.
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Jaina
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Umm... *quickly sends off Keeley's copy of the story* yes... now I did...
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Rocklover
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I do like this oipening. Sounds like a fun read. I'd say send it but you've got 7 readers already. Too many onions spoil the broth, you know.

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