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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Birthright - 1st 13, readers?

   
Author Topic: Birthright - 1st 13, readers?
MaryRobinette
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SF, 850 words. I'm getting ready to send this out, so I'd like comments on the begining, but I'd also like a couple of readers.

Thanks!

---

Helen wanted time to pass more quickly, but she dreaded the appointment they were waiting for. Restless within in the confines of the waiting room, she looked out the window of the clinic. Her fingers spun her wedding ring around and around with mindless industry. She glanced at her husband.

Daniel read an out-dated magazine from the waiting room table with such a relaxed air that her tension seemed magnified. After a moment, he seemed to feel the weight of her gaze.

He looked up with his brow raised in concern. "Are you alright?"

"Of course." She smiled at him.

He closed the magazine with a quiet rustle. "We don't have to do this today."


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Lord Darkstorm
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This looks a bit familiar. I'll take a look.
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TaShaJaRo
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I recognize this one and would be happy to give it a second reading but if you want fresh eyes that's fine too.
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yanos
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I've time, so if you need a reader , I'd be happy to volunteer...
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Keeley
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I've read this before, so I hesitate asking to crit this. You need fresh eyes. So far I only see one set. However, if you're willing to let me read it, send it on over.

[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited May 04, 2005).]


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wbriggs
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I'll read.
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Minister
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Just a thought on the opening. You end the first sentence of the story with a preposition. I don't usually mind this, and I know some high profile writers that do it (OSC, for one argues that this is fine). But on the off chance that you get an old fashioned editor, you might want to adjust the wording to "appointment for which they were waiting" or some such. It being the first sentence of the story, it kind of jumps out at me, while I might not notice it later in the story.

I can read this if you want another set of used eyes (I remember this from the flash challenge; thought it was a strong story there). If not, that's fine.


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GZ
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I'd offer to read, but I'm going on vacation and won't have time.

quote:
Daniel read an out-dated magazine from the waiting room table with such a relaxed air that her tension seemed magnified.

The way the end of this sentence is phrased pulled me out of Hellen's POV. It felt distant, as if someone else was noticing the magnified tension, not her.


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MaryRobinette
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Notes taken. Thanks!

---
Restless within in the confines of the waiting room, Helen looked out the window of the clinic. Her fingers spun her wedding ring around and around with mindless industry. She glanced at her husband.

Daniel read an outdated magazine with such a relaxed air that her tension felt magnified. After a moment, he seemed to feel the weight of her gaze. He looked up with his brow raised in concern. "Are you all right?"

"Of course." She smiled at him.

He closed the magazine with a quiet rustle. "We don't have to do this today."
---

I'm sending it off for those who requested it. As a side note, I'm not as picky about wanting fresh eyes as I probably should be. If I've tried to fix a problem that someone noted I often find it instructive to see if their complaint vanishes on the second read.

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 04, 2005).]


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Beth
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outdated doesn't need a hyphen, I think. and I am afraid you typed "alright."
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MaryRobinette
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Ah!

Thanks Beth, I fixed them.

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 04, 2005).]


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Survivor
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I'll try a look.
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