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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Eddy and the Basement: It's finished!

   
Author Topic: Eddy and the Basement: It's finished!
Darth Petra
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The Thing kicked sullenly at the floor, and stared around gloomily. A rat scuttled across the floor, carrying in its mouth the remains of the Thing’s breakfast. He sighed, unhappily, running a hand over his scaly arms.The Thing didn’t know how long he’d been here. He couldn’t remember being anywhere else. There was a door, at the top of the Stairs. He’d had to come through there at one point, but when? And when would he get back out through there again? What was on the other side of the Door? There were others over there, he knew. Other living creatures that screamed and called him ‘thing’. Other living creatures that had locked him down here. He was bored. Painfully, utterly, completely bored.When had he not been bored?

Soo....yeah. I've got the whole thing written, but I'm worried that it's total crap.

[This message has been edited by Darth Petra (edited June 23, 2008).]


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Devnal
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Looks like it might be interesting. I'd get rid of your -ly words though; sullenly, gloomily, unhappily, scaly (not so bad). Give us the actions instead. A good example would be "He sighed, unhappily, running a hand over his scaly arms." You don't even need the unhappily in there.

I'd put the beginning, showing where he is unhappy, together with the bored part at the end, and then lead on to the thoughts of the door and what's beyond.


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Christine
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Actually, this opening is interesting. I thought it could be word smithed to bring it more to life, but definitely interesting!

"The Thing kicked sullenly at the floor, and stared around gloomily."

Adverbs are more passive than other types of words and often pain a murkier picture. The thing is sullen and gloomy...can you show us that in a facial expression, a word, or a sigh?

"He sighed, unhappily, running a hand over his scaly arms."

In this case, I think the sigh shows us unhappy, so I'd just cut unhappily.

"He’d had to come through there at one point, but when?"

How about "He must have come..." to eliminate the had had?

"And when would he get back out through there again? What was on the other side of the Door?"

I like the capitalization of Door -- nice effect. I'd also capitalize the The.

" There were others over there, he knew."

Since we're in his POV, the "he knew" is redundant.

"Other living creatures that screamed and called him ‘thing’. "

Before this I was wondering if he really thought of himself as The thing but I saw here that he probably does. I suggest, though, calling him "Thing" instead of "The Thing" to really give us a sense from the start that this is the name he thinks of himself by.


"He was bored. Painfully, utterly, completely bored.When had he not been bored?"

This was, IMO, the weakest part of the opening. It seemed to shine light on the fact that nothing has really happened yet, a fact that until this line, I had not really noticed because I was interested in Thing's situation. Plus, it's telling. You already showed us Thing's boredom. Trust yourself.


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Jon Ruyle
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I thought this was interesting, and especially liked the first line. (The two adverbs in the first line didn't bother me, but I did think there were too many in what followed).
You call him by Thing, then "he" right after mentioning the rat, then go back to "thing". This confused me somehow. Once the reader knows "he" is "the thing", why go back?

I'd be happy to read this if you like.

Jon.


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Crystal Stevens
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The only item that bothered me was the use of calling the MC "The Thing". I loved to read super hero comic books as a kid, and The Thing, to me at least, makes me think of Ben Grimm of the Fantastic Four. This doesn't mean that you can't call your MC that, but because I'm familiar with the Fantastic Four, it made it difficult for me to reroute my thinking.

Other than that, it sounds like an interesting story and I'd like to read more .


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Merlion-Emrys
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Very interesting. I'm guessing its a somewhat more lighthearted take on the "Born of Man And Woman" sort of deal?
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AWSullivan
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I think I would keep reading although the MC being the 'Thing' is awkward. I'm not certain of a better way to describe him though. If you transition into another moniker shortly after this I think that it works.

The prose did seem a bit wordy at points, all of which have been mentioned before so I won't go into them.

Good start.

Anthony


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