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Author Topic: Fallen Pine, 1000 words, my attempt at li-fi
TheOnceandFutureMe
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I've spent the last semester reading the New Yorker stories. Here's my attempt at that style. Comments on the intro and readers for the full piece would be appreciated.


I’ve killed four people. Three of them I didn’t mean to.
See, I was a cop for two decades, and twice I had to shoot a man before he could shoot me. I kept my finger off the trigger as long as I could, but ultimately chose my life over theirs. The Richmond City Police Department killed those men more than I did.
The third I hit with my Jeep when she stepped in front of me. It bent her in three directions. My shrink says that’s not my fault.
The fourth, though, that’s the one you probably want to hear about. That’s the one I meant to do.
Back before I joined the force, I lived on the outskirts of Richmond, way down Rt. 360, past the zoo. My driveway

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 04, 2008).]


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jayazman
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Can I just make a few changes please? Well, since you didn't say no I'm going to anyways.

I’ve killed four people. Three of them I didn’t mean to.
See, I was a cop for two decades, and twice I had to shoot a man before he could shoot me. I kept my finger off the trigger as long as I could, but ultimately chose my life over theirs. I killed them in the line of duty so my shrink says it's not my fault.
The third I hit with my Jeep when she stepped in front of me. It bent her in three directions. My shrink says this one is not my fault either.
The fourth, though, that’s the one you probably want to hear about. That’s the one I meant to do.
Back before I joined the force, I lived on the outskirts of Richmond, way down Rt. 360, past the zoo. My driveway stretched a mile, but we could still see our neighbors through the trees.

I liked it. I like the intimate feeling, like I'm sitting across from this guy in a resturaunt or at my house and he's telling me this story. I would keep reading.


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KPKilburn
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My comments...

I’ve killed four people. Three of them I didn’t mean to. <--After reading the rest, this isn't entirely "true" (from his POV) - he did mean to. Maybe, "Two of them were justified and the third wasn't my fault."?
See, I was a cop for two decades<--People usually don't speak like this - maybe just simply "20 years", and twice I had to shoot a man before he could shoot me. Sort of sounds like he shot the same man twice - semantics of grammar I know, but it threw me when I first read it.I kept my finger off the trigger as long as I could, but ultimately chose my life over theirs. The Richmond City Police Department killed those men more than I did.This was awkward, but I understand it after reading the other crit.
The third I hit with my Jeep when she stepped in front of me. It bent her in three directions. My shrink says that’s not my fault.
The fourth, though, that’s the one you probably want to hear about. That’s the one I meant to do.
Back before I joined the force, I lived on the outskirts of Richmond, way down Rt. 360, past the zoo. My driveway

Overall, it's interesting. I got the impression that this guy has some serious emotional issues (he's visiting a shrink) and I'm wondering if they stem from killing four people or if he only visited a shrink after the "vehicular manslaughter" episode.

In any case, I'd read on.


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Toby Western
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Seems to me that the 1st 13 are good. A bit of a stylistic exercise, you say? There's one word loses the voice for me, and that's "ultimately".

Always happy to read one of yours, Ben. Send it on over, if you like.


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skadder
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Consider reducing the number of killings to three. Its a magic number.

See, I was a cop for two decades, and twice I had to shoot a man before he could shoot me.

The above sentence is ambiguous--shot the same man with two bullets? Or the same man on two occasions? No, if you add it up, you meant two men on two occasions.

It would be far simpler if he shot just one man--keep the maths simple.


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kings_falcon
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Onto the story . . .


I’ve killed four people. Three of them I didn’t mean to. Too many I think. Most officers don't have to kill in the line of duty. Trim this section up since the hook is the 4th killing
See, I was a cop for two decades, and twice I had to shoot a man before he could shoot me. This is a bit unclear. You talk about twice having to shoot "a man." A bit of tweaking would be great

I kept my finger off the trigger as long as I could, but ultimately chose my life over theirs. Nice. Tells me a lot about him.

The Richmond City Police Department killed those men more than I did. boo, hiss. Now I like him less. I'd rather he say - Bob, the cop, killed them, not Bob, the dad. I don't like him passing the responsibity. I also suspect, but don't know, that most officers who have killed in the line of duty, aren't this flip about it.
The third I hit with my Jeep when she stepped in front of me. It bent her in three directions. My shrink and the court said says that’s not my fault. I still have a bit of a problem with his refusal to accept responsibility but it doesn't bother me as much as the others since hitting her wasn't a concious choice. He's also still probably be charged with the involunatary manslaughter unless it's really clear he had no ability to avoid the accident.
The fourth, though, that’s the one you probably want to hear about. Ah, yea. Been waiting for this, can we speed it up? That’s the one I meant to do. you already told me this. AND he meant to shoot those 2 in the line of duty
Back before I joined the force, I lived on the outskirts of Richmond, way down Rt. 360, past the zoo. My driveway

[/quote]

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited December 06, 2008).]


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Yufae
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"See, I was a cop for two decades, and twice I had to shoot a man before he could shoot me. I kept my finger off the trigger as long as I could, but ultimately chose my life over theirs. The Richmond City Police Department killed those men more than I did."

I have a thought about this. I don't know if it's actually helpful, but if you said

"...and twice the Richmond City Police Department shot men with my hand. I kept my finger off..."

or something like that, then you can imply "The Richmond City Police Department killed those men more than I did" instead of stating. Might not be an improvement.


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