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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Scared Sheep/ another sci-fi 1000 word in Rhinoplasty series/ looking for readers

   
Author Topic: Scared Sheep/ another sci-fi 1000 word in Rhinoplasty series/ looking for readers
honu
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Hi Guys. Here is another flash in Rhinoplasty series. Looking for readers/ first 13 lines here/ Is it hooky? Would you read on? ver 1 /
quote:
“Stop and hover. Everyone just stop where you are and sync-up!”I commanded.Four Bumblebee pilots and three Wasp pilots came on-line as tiny holos of their faces appeared to either side of me. On their ships they were seeing the same thing, except my image would be a larger me in a radiant white toga frowning down on them like an angry God. At the moment I felt the part. I was having to strip away most of their bad training to make room for what I had to teach them.“Okay, kiddies what's the flight ceiling again?” “Five hundred feet, sir!” the eleven voices chorused, the gunners on the Bumblebees adding their voice though their holos weren't on-line“Then what are we doing at one thousand feet? Remember people, if you don't sell it that

[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 03, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 04, 2009).]


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Garlic Coachman
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Aloha,

I got as far as “Five hundred feet, sir!” the eleven voices chorused," when I went back to reread because I thought you were talking about fewer platforms than 11. Then I starting reading where I had left out and had my "Ohhhh." moment. It could just be my line of work because I am always checking the facts and numbers.

Other than that, I think that this is your strongest 13 in the series.


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honu
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good point garlic....I added the word in bold to tighten it up....thanks
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Joseph Forrest
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I'd read it just because I can relate to it. He sounds like a drill instructor only more polite. Where can I get the entire series so far? I'd actually like to see it in full.
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honu
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"Rhinoplasty" is the first story in the series and is (fingers crossed) due out in flashscribe.net in March. They were going to publish it in February but basically told me that it is now March, but told the readers that a few series were in the works so I am excited to get a shot at it.

[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 03, 2009).]


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