Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Bear Invasion

   
Author Topic: The Bear Invasion
Antinomy
Member
Member # 5136

 - posted      Profile for Antinomy   Email Antinomy         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
This story began as a dream, a nightmare really, and I woke up in sweat without an ending. But it was enough of an idea to write a 1650 word story. Would anyone care to read for constructive feedback?
First 13...................

“Run! Run! It’s in the building!”
Our feet scrape and thunder as we stampede like frightened hens down the long corridor toward the backroom seeking shelter. Deep-seated fear ices our veins, for some insane reason a crazed grizzly has smashed through the large paned window, its wretched howl echoes throughout the building. Behind us, along the pale green walls of the hallway, its thrusting shadow seems immense as it grows larger and longer huffing its way toward us.


Posts: 147 | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
snapper
Member
Member # 7299

 - posted      Profile for snapper   Email snapper         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
quote:
“Run! Run! It’s in the building!”

There is a hole in this opening after this point. It dulls your opening line. A Grizzly Bear just crashed into the house. What was that like? What happens in the next paragraph is what the people are doing after that event. Why leave out the breaking glass, growling angry bear, furniture breaking and getting tossed aside?


quote:
Our feet scrape and thunder

On what? Wood floor? Linoleum tile? Pea gravel? Straw bedding? Say what there feet are scraping on will help me hear the thundering they are making.

quote:
as we stampede like frightened hens down the long corridor toward the backroom seeking shelter.

I liked this line, a lot.

quote:
Deep-seated fear ices our veins,

A little to melodramitic. Makes it sound cliche.

quote:
for some insane reason a crazed grizzly has smashed through the large paned window, its wretched howl echoes throughout the building.

Telling. Cut for some insane reason. It is something that would apply to a person that did somethign irrational, not about the motivations of a wild animal. Things should be happening to fast for such a contemplation from your MC.
The restcould be axed IF you start with the bear crashing into the house. This is a line that lets the reader catch up with events. have the events unfold before the readers eyes.

quote:
Behind us, along the pale green walls of the hallway, its thrusting shadow seems immense as it grows larger and longer huffing its way toward us.

The MC would have to be looking behind him to see this. He should be running for his life.

All-in-all, it isn't bad but still a bit flat. Start the story milliseconds before this point.


Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
monstewer
Member
Member # 5883

 - posted      Profile for monstewer   Email monstewer         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Our feet scrape and thunder Could just be me, but I don't really associate scraping with thundering. With thundering feet, I imagine somebody running quickly, lifting their feet high and hitting the ground hard. With scraping, I think of slow movement, dragging the feet along the ground.

Deep-seated fear ices our veins I think this reads better if you cut "Deep-seated"

some insane reason a crazed grizzly The use of both "insane" and "crazed" made this read awkwardly, I don't think you need both in there, just one would be fine.

its thrusting shadow seems immense as it grows larger and longer huffing its way toward us. I think the "seems" weakens this sentence--I'd prefer an "is" there instead. And I think you need a stronger word than "huffing"; to me it just sounds like a soft word and doesn't really convey the danger and tension you need there.



Posts: 373 | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2