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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Flash Fantasy - Untitled Assassin story

   
Author Topic: Flash Fantasy - Untitled Assassin story
alliedfive
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This is one I whipped up in a flurry today. Kind of a sword and sworceryish action thing. It's at 1,200 or so and I'm hoping to get it to flash length. Any takers?

Oh, by the way, "Gray" is a placeholder name.

First Thirteen

The Blade that Dulls

Judge Gray looked up at the place where he would die. The Palace of The Immortals gripped the white peak of Mount Karil with twelve great stone fingers. Buttressed by that colossal weight, six towers sprang skyward to pierce the clouds as if assaulting the very domain of the old spirit gods. Within, the new god and Emperor reigned eternal and tangible.

“Three main levels; fifty paces vertical. Then a hundred north to the throne room, and the same on the way out,” Gray said to himself. Hearing his plans aloud had always illuminated the flaws.

At the Judge’s feet, Portent, twelfth of her name, slinked between his boots with feline impatience.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited July 09, 2009).]


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kingtermite
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1. What's with the dimensions on the palace? Are they necessary this quickly in the story? The seems a bit distracting to the story itself to me.

2. "slinked between his boots with Feline impatience." - It sounds like you're trying too hard to say its a cat without saying its a cat. It just sounds a bit 'forced' to me. I'd try a different approach.

It does kind of "hook" me though....makes me want to continue.

What is "flash fantasy"? What do you mean by flash length? Just curious. I've never heard that term before.


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alliedfive
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Flash length = 1,000 words. Good point about the dimensions. I was more trying to show how he was planning his route.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited July 09, 2009).]


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Kaz
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I agree with the kingtermite on the feline issue. It sounds as if there's no room in that sentence for the word cat, so you fitted in feline to make up for it. The image you evoke, however, is ambiguous, when the reader should be seeing a definite something between the protagonist's legs.

Also, this is just me but I am normally very shy of semicolons. Most of the time you can easily replace them with other punctuation and the average reader doesn't know what to make of them anyway.


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kingtermite
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If flash is only 1000 words, then I'd love to read it when you feel its complete and ready for a lookover.
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alliedfive
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Anybody want to read this flash? Kingtermite, did I ever send you this?
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Nick T
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Hi,

Send it through.

Nick


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monstewer
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I'll have a read if you like.
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genevive42
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alliedfive I'm always happy to read for you. Feel free to send it.
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lbdavid98
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I'd love to read it
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tchernabyelo
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I'll read.

This nickname at yahoo.co.uk, can't remember if my profile is set to include the email or not.


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