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Author Topic: Returning the Favor-SFWIP
Phobos
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Here is another one hot off the press. I would love to hear what people think.


It wasn’t until he sat, mesmerized, in the 52nd floor waiting room that this meeting’s magnitude registered with Cornelius. An enormous aquarium centered in the otherwise blank room housed the most magnificent sight his eyes had ever beheld. Bioluminescent projections of a hundred-year-old, silent, black and white film displayed upon the giant jellyfish within. Most amazing was the fact that it wasn’t some holographic trick—no, it was the work of the most brilliant geneticist ever known. The sixty floors of quantum computer below him assisted Doctor Michi Setsuko, of course. Yet, he had been the one to design the world’s largest and most sophisticated quantum computer the world had ever conceived. Programmed into the highly venomous jellyfish’s very DNA was the information required to produce


-Finnias


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arriki
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It feels...dense.

Why? Information packed too tightly together?

You raise my curiosity with the first sentence but then the bioluminescent jellyfish does not seem to justify it. It's neat, but not a world-shaking example of this accomplishment.

It could also be that the connection between achieving this film on the jellyfish and the first ever development of a quantum computer is a bit too removed, one from the other.

Now that I think on it -- as I was writing this I was picturing a manta ray a the screen because -- as I remember, I could be wrong -- a jellyfish's bottom is all drifting tentacles. It's the sides and top that would form the screen (a rather wavy screen)and mostly unobservable. The manta ray or some other fish would seem a better screen.

Just my opinion.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 28, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 28, 2009).]


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adamatom
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REWRITE:

"The magnitude of the meeting didn't register with Cornelius until he sat mesmerized in the 52nd floor waiting room. An enormous aquarium centered in the otherwise blank room housed the most magnificent sight his eyes had ever beheld. Bio-luminescent projections of a century old, silent, black-n-white film displayed on the giant jellyfish. Programmed into the highly venomous jellyfish’s very DNA was the information required to produce. It was the work of the most brilliant geneticist ever known, Dr. Michi Setsuko. The world’s largest and most sophisticated quantum computer the world had ever conceived, housed in the 60 floors below, was built by the same Dr. Setsuko."


At this point, I'm super impressed with Dr. Setsuko. But I’m wondering about the applications of this technology.


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adamatom
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I'm assuming you meant 62nd floor, since 60 floors are below.
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Phobos
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Thanks, I was factoring for a few basement floors also.

Arriki, I see what you mean about the amount of information. Thanks for the comment. I may have tried too hard.

Adomatom, thanks for the revision.


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adamatom
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"I may have tried too hard."

Depends on the type of reader. Some people are literacy oriented and read for the story. Some people are sci fi oriented and read for the science elements. The latter would read this paragraph and be convinced they're in for a treat.

Different types of fans have different types of hooks. Some would be hooked by a conversation, some would be hooked by a statement about the implications of the science element, some would be hooked by a description.

Different types of intros work better for different type of stories and different types of markets.

I'm hard core sci fi, old school sci fi, so I would definitely read on. But as I said, I would want to know fairly soon after the intro what are the applications and implications of this technology.


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dee_boncci
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following up a bit on adamatom's comment, for me to invest in this story I would definitely need to know very quickly what the big deal was, or at least what was at stake for him personally.
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LlessurNire
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I'm having a hard time coming up with a comment for this one, as nothing is glaringly wrong to me, but I am not really that hooked.

I think arriki's comment of dense fits. Information is great, but packed too tightly. I would suggest shorter sentences at first, spreading out the info and focusing on a little less in the first 13. I am curious at what the idea is behind these projections on the jellyfish are, and what are their significance.

also, maybe just one line could detail the 60 floors of computer below him: 'He sat mesmerized in the waiting room above 60 floors of supercomputer.'

(just a thought, the way computers are going nowadays, would 60 floors really be necessary for even the greatest computer ever imagined? maybe it would also be small, part of its greatness....)

ok, so I thought of some comments after all... Not trying to bash it, this definitely would work for me a little revised, and I think there is a lot of potential here, I'm sensing a great idea is behind this intro. Maybe the problem I am having is that I am not identifying what the idea is exactly, there are 2 things I am not relating yet, the supercomputer and the jellyfish

[This message has been edited by LlessurNire (edited December 01, 2009).]


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shimiqua
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My nits.
Mesmerized, meeting's magnitude, most magnificent, most amazing, most sophisticated, all in six sentences.

Too many words that start with M . It made me trip over my tongue, and I didn't even read it out loud.There has to be a better way to say most magnificent.

I think you might be telling to much. For example, to show what I mean...What if you have him sitting down, register his heartbeat speeding up,and the sweat running down his neck and staining his brand new dress shirt, and then give a brief visual description of the jellyfish. You can show how awesome the good doctor is when Cornelius meets with him. Maybe make him stumble for words, or have complements just spill out of his mouth. Then we know everything you are trying to tell us, but we are immersed in the story, and right there with Cornelius. As it is, I had to go back to check who the viewpoint character was, because the focus is so much on the doctor. What about Cornelius? What are his accomplishments?

Hope this helps.
~Sheena

It wasn’t until he sat, mesmerized, in the 52nd floor waiting room that this meeting’s magnitude registered with Cornelius. An enormous aquarium centered in the otherwise blank room housed the most magnificent sight his eyes had ever beheld. Bioluminescent projections of a hundred-year-old, silent, black and white film displayed upon the giant jellyfish within. Most amazing was the fact that it wasn’t some holographic trick—no, it was the work of the most brilliant geneticist ever known. The sixty floors of quantum computer below him assisted Doctor Michi Setsuko, of course. Yet, he had been the one to design the world’s largest and most sophisticated quantum computer the world had ever conceived. Programmed into the highly venomous jellyfish’s very DNA was the information required to produce


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