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Author Topic: Not sure about this one...
andersonmcdonald
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His name was Death.
He came with the bite of an autumn wind pushing the leaves along the ground, when orange pumpkins dazzled brilliantly in Farmer Horace’s field and everyone was preparing their stores for the coming winter. Me and Sup saw him come riding amongst the rows of corn and Sup looked at me and said, “Look there, Tobe! There’s a scarecrow come to life, like in Weaver’s story!” Sup was smiling when he said it, but I recall he had some fear in his eyes. I looked up from my work and saw where he was pointing. The scarecrow appeared briefly between the rows, a thin black shape riding a bony nag grey as frost. He was wearing a wide-brimmed hat that hid his face, and though his head didn’t turn I had the strange impression he was

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 08, 2009).]


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satate
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I like it. The prose pulled me along and while it is heavy on description it didn't distract me from the story. I thought it flowed nicely. I would read on.
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LlessurNire
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I also like it. The only thing that threw me off was Sup's dialogue sounds pretty cheery when he sees the scarecrow come to life (death), and the rest of the description makes it sound like a scary creepy thing to be seeing. Unless there's a reason for him to be cheery in the coming paragraphs, I would suggest changing that.
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ScardeyDog
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I like it too!

The setting is giving me a real "To Kill a Mockingbird" vibe, the america south in the 30's. Is that what you were going for?


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TLH
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Send it to me! I wanna read.

Regards,

Tony.


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andersonmcdonald
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Thanks all! Working on it. As far as the style of it, I was going for that classic tale feel. Rustic setting, reminiscent of the American south, but not quite. When I've finished this draft I'll send it out. Thanks again!
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Teraen
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I like it. No real nits. I'd keep reading long enough to feel who this death fellow is. It seems to me like the pumpkin farmer is going to get a visit...
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andersonmcdonald
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Nearly done with the first draft, but I've hit a snag on which direction I should take this. Would anyone like to read what I have so far? I'd like to know what you think.
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andersonmcdonald
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Oh yeah, Teraen. The pumpkin farmer WASN"T going to get a visit, but you got me thinking. So what did I end up doing?
The pumpkin farmer has a visitor, thanks to you.

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D2
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I like it.

Only real nitpick I have is that "Me and Sup" should be "Sup and I," but grammar is sometimes a victim of the character's voice, so, your call


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andersonmcdonald
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Yep, I'm afraid you're gonna find lots of intentionally bad grammar in this one!
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TaoArtGuy
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I'm digging this. Nice layering of descriptions to build atmosphere.
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Cutter McKay
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I'm intrigued, send me what you've got, I'll see if I can help.
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andersonmcdonald
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It's on its way, Cutter.

Thanks for the kind words everybody


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skadder
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I liked this...needs a tweak or two, but it has a nice feel.
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andersonmcdonald
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Thanks skadder! Yes it does, probably many tweaks. Actually, the beginning has changed slightly from the one posted. I'm just trying to get this thing finished, then I'll set to work polishing it up. Some of it I like, other parts I'm not completely satisfied with. Hopefully I can make it into something other people will actually want to read.
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