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Author Topic: Liberty Blade
Andromoidus
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Work. Everyone hates it, but no one is brave enough to admit its necessities. Today was a long one… hours of stalking, waiting for that perfect moment, that one time of weakness, where the target would be all alone, sometimes its in the shower, sometimes in bed, but this time… he wasn’t alone, ever.

So, some collateral damage was inevitable.

I walk into my apartment, call the owner and let him know im moving out, and where to send my deposit. Fortunately, even if he doesn’t send it, I have plenty… this last job was worth quite a bit.

I even got that bonus they asked for.

After I finish my argument with the landlord, I go to the fridge. I don’t even have to open it up anymore… my hand just


hope you want to read more currently at two thousand words, hope to finish at ten.

[This message has been edited by Andromoidus (edited March 09, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 09, 2010).]


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JSchuler
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quote:
Work. Everyone hates it, but no one is brave enough to admit its necessities. Lose this, as it's simply not true. Unless the point of the story is you're in an alternate universe where economists don't exist and no one ever trumpeted the value of a hard day's work, sweeping generalizations are a turn off. Today was a long one… hours of stalking, waiting for that perfect moment, that one time of weakness, where the target would be all alone, sometimes it's in the shower, sometimes in bed, but this time... he wasn’t alone, ever.

So, some collateral damage was inevitable.

I walk into my apartment, Not a fan of the tense change, but it does serve to illustrate that he didn't kill a bunch of people in his apartment call the owner and let him know im moving out, and where to send my deposit. Fortunately, even if he doesn’t send it, I have plenty… this last job was worth quite a bit. An assassin that doesn't mind being stiffed? Interesting...

I even got that bonus they asked for.

After I finish my argument with the landlord, I go to the fridge. I don’t even have to open it up anymore… my hand just slides in and grabs what I want. I pull out the carton of milk and check the expiration date. Expires two days from now. Good. Still healthy, then. My first thought was the fridge lost its door, but then he trusts the expiration date on the milk. So, I'm going with he can pass through solid objects. Nifty skill for an assassin. But why didn't he become a bank robber instead, especially if he hates his current job?

Hopefully, my next job leads somewhere luxurious.



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Merlion-Emrys
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I like this very much except for two things. One, The quick shift from talking about the job, the nature and results of which we never really get to hear and the tense shift. I don't say that just because its a tense shift; I just don't think it serves any technical or stylistic purpose here. I'd rather get a little more info on the first job and segue that into the second scene.

I'd definitely read on though, the voice is good and the character intriguing.


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skadder
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It's first person; if the narrator thinks everyone hates work, he's entitled to write that.
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babooher
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This has the feel of superhero fiction which I enjoy and write. I'd read on but mostly because I enjoy the genre.

You didn't try to tell us where he got this nifty power. Thank you. Unless you're writing an origin story I'd rather just establish the parameters of the world involved. You've done that pretty well here.

After that, this feels like you're spinning your wheels trying to get some traction. Seeing that you're heading for a 10,000 word count, I'd start looking at cutting this intro down. Unless there is some vital info to be had here that can't be gained elsewhere, I just don't care about being told about an argument with the landlord. Get closer to some tension to start the piece, drop us as close to the inciting moment as possible.

I think JSchuler raised a very good question about why this guy should be a bankrobber versus an assassin. If he's just in this for the money, bankrobbing is a tad higher on my morality scale than assassin, and I'd think a bit more lucrative.

When you get done, I'd love to look it over.


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tchernabyelo
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The tense shift seems smooth enough to me, in that we are moving from the narrator thinking about what he did that day (if obliquely) to catching up to now and a present-tense POV.

I'm not entirely hooked. A number of small things adding together, I think. Grammar issues (an its that should be it's, an im that should be I'm); no clear indication that we are actually starting at the start of the story; some withholding (it appears that the MC has killed his target, and perhaps other people too, but he's playing a little coy with us - not necessarily wrong, but it doesn't entirely fit with a guy who'll tell us the expiry date on his milk); the apparent MC of an assassin/killer for hire, a difficult trick to pull off convincingly.


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Wolfe_boy
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quote:
Work. Everyone hates it, but no one is brave enough to admit its necessities. (1) Today was a long one… hours of stalking, waiting for that perfect moment, that one time of weakness, where the target would be all alone, sometimes its in the shower (2), sometimes in bed, but this time… he wasn’t alone, ever.

So, some collateral damage was inevitable. (3)

I walk into my apartment (4), call the owner and let him know im moving out, and where to send my deposit. Fortunately, even if he doesn’t send it, I have plenty… this last job was worth quite a bit.

I even got that bonus they asked for. (5)

After I finish my argument with the landlord, I go to the fridge. I don’t even have to open it up anymore… my hand just slides in and grabs what I want. I pull out the carton of milk (6)and check the expiration date. Expires two days from now. Good. Still healthy, then. (7)

Hopefully, my next job leads somewhere luxurious.


1. I'll address this, as it's already been brought up. I hope you're adroit enough to understand that, when writing in the first person, the narrators voice not only relates the story to us, but relates the narrators character & state of mind. That's how I took this line.

2. This line doesn't identify the gender of the target, but a later sentence does. Choose one or the other. I'd go with the identification, since you're talking about a specific day and a specific target.

3. I agree with Merlion, this leap from Paragraphs 1 & 2 to 3 is very abrupt. Enough to make me wonder, why the hell did I just read that first paragraph? Story structure....

4. I'm not crazy about present tense. Period. Full stop.

5. They (assuming they're his employer) don't ask for a bonus. They offer a bonus, or he asks for a bonus. It doesn't make logical sense the way it's written.

6. This is a bit of nitpicking..... So, he can pass through solid matter at will. Is the solid mass becoming thin or is he? Is he changing matter so he can pass through it, or does he change his own molecular structure to be able to pass through solid matter? If he is becoming thin, how can he get the milk carton out through the solid door? If the door plus carton are getting thin, what kind of range or control over the process does he have? Questions, questions....

7. I think the term would be "Still good" or maybe "Still fresh", not "Still healthy".

I would keep reading because the writing is good and it seems like you've got the superhero tone down pretty well, but to be frank, I find your character's character grating. It's hard to root for someone you don't like.

[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited March 09, 2010).]


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genevive42
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I can't say this grabs me too much. The jumps make me feel like I'm missing something. And while the phasing through solid objects is sort of cool, the assassin thing just doesn't stand out.

I would read a little further but if it didn't do something to grab me soon I might not continue.


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NoTimeToThink
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1) I agree with JSchuler about losing the first 2 sentences. They add nothing for me.
2) I'd like the MC to be less vague about where he finished the job and what the collateral damage was - it's like he's trying to hide what happened from the reader.
3) If I was an assasin with the power the MC has, I wouldn't live in an apartment - a motel seems better suited to his apparently nomadic life. Why mess with leases and deposits?
4) The vagueness about what the bonus was for is annoying (more hiding from the reader?) - just say what it was ("I even got the bonus for killing his cat like they asked").
5) Interesting character trait to have him worry about the expiration date on his milk - unless this was just a device to show his power. I'm guessing he's only been here for less than a week - the milk date shouldn't concern a normal person.

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Andromoidus
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its less that he can phase through solid matter as it is he creates a portal into where he wants to go.

only problem is, light disrupts the portal, so he can only do his thing in shadow.

hmm... Ill have to post an edit when I have time.


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Robert Nowall
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I like the title "Liberty Blade."
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Andromoidus
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thank you.
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jayazman
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I liked and would keep reading.

I see what you are doing with the first two sentences. I do it myself, and have been told on several occasions that it's not necessary. So I'm telling you, it's not necessary. Other than that, I liked the first part. It's showing what he does, but keeping it distant enough, almost casual, the way most people think of their jobs that they have been doing for a long time. While non-computer people might think computer programmers are geniuses, most programmers just look at their job as something they do, do all day, 5 days a week, nothing to get excited about.

I don't usually like present tense, but the transition from past tense to present tense was such a good indicator, separating the job from what he is doing now, that I almost didn't even notice.

The hand going through the door and pulling out the milk kinda through me, as I could not visualize what was happening. He just put his hand through the door and pulled out the milk. This is the good part. This part needs to be expanded on a little, give the reader something to hold on to. Give me something I can visualize.

I would hope there is more explanation on the assassin angle. I'm getting the idea that he did not always have the ability to go through solid objects.

All in all, I think this story has promise.


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