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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Voxels Make the World Go Round, sf, 551 words

   
Author Topic: Voxels Make the World Go Round, sf, 551 words
jcavonpark
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quote:
They nicknamed it The Needle.

A Neutrino Force Microscope on paper, the most powerful microscope in the world. It used a needle with a subatomic tip to poke and prod whatever it could find. The result, if things went well, would be the first look at the building blocks of the Universe.

Doctor Charles Rhodes waited impatiently for the first images from the machine to appear. It was a daunting process, but it wouldn’t be much longer now. “Can you believe it?” he asked his brother, Martin. “This will be a great discovery, and we’re only moments away.”


This is a micro story, only about 550 words. Thoughts?


[This message has been edited by jcavonpark (edited May 25, 2011).]


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Foste
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Interesting premise, but I'd start with the Doctor right away. You can introduce The Needle later.
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JohnColgrove
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Interesting idea. I agree with foste. I think it would make the beginning a lot more of a hook if you started with the doctor.
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Brendan
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Actually, its a micro story (did you intend that pun?). I therefore disagree - the key idea should be first, especially for an idea story that this is. I like the opening line and the first paragraph is for free - even if it is a large percentage of the story.

The title drew me in, and as someone that has spent many hours on an electron microscope, a neutrino force microscope is very intriguing (and potentially humorous, in-joke wise).

Send it to me if you want a full critique.


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NoTimeToThink
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Looks fine to me. I would change the sentence
quote:
It was a daunting process, but it wouldn’t be much longer now.
because it reads as though waiting impatiently is the daunting process.

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jcavonpark
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Thanks guys, that was some quick feedback!

Sent it your way Brendan. Thanks in advance!

If anyone else wants to read the whole thing and give me some feedback, please let me know.


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EVOC
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I am at a toss up on the starting with the Doctor versus The Needle.

I like the way it starts. I think the Title is almost a hook in itself.

Send it my way. I can give you a full crit.


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jcavonpark
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So after discussing the concept of a voxel with a friend of mine who knows quite a bit about computer programming, I discovered that a voxel isn't actually possible to represent physically. So I retitled the story "A Pixel of Infinity".

What do you guys think of that as a title? Not as cool as the last one, I think, but does it work?

Here's my revised intro:

quote:
They called it The Needle.

A Neutrino Force Microscope on paper, the most powerful microscope in the world. It used a needle with a subatomic tip to poke and prod whatever it could find. The result, they hoped, would be a three-dimensional rendering of the building blocks of the Universe.

Doctor Charles Rhodes waited impatiently for the first images from the machine to appear. Hopefully it wouldn’t be much longer now. “Can you believe it?” he asked his brother, Martin. “This will be a great discovery, and we’re only moments away.”




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telflonmail
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I like the concept as a flash fiction piece. I agree with Foste
and JohnColgrove that it needs to start with the Doctor. Actually, I think it should start with the dialog. Here is how I might have started it:

quote:
“Can you believe it?” Dr Charles Rhodes said, waiting impatiently for the first images from the reconfigured Neutrino Force Microscope to appear. “This will be a great discovery, and we’re only moments away.”

As for the 2nd paragraph, IMHO I think it is too early in the piece for the explanation. I like your retitled title much better and is less gimmicky. As for the 1st sentence/paragraph, it threw me off - I was thinking "space needle".


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