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Author Topic: Fnding Tanasa
roundsquare
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Hunt and Gilaael were suddenly enveloped by a shadow falling off the face of the lofty cliff that loomed in front of them. Hundreds of dark shadowy cracks were scattered along the face of the cliff, but only one of them lead into the cave which the two had set out a month earlier to find. Hunt could have, of course referred to the magic in his staff to make life easier for them but he was still honing out his staff skills, which in short meant that the two had their work cut out for them. Gilaael forced the wearing muscles in his great wings as he flew from crack to crack while the boy riding on his back ruled each one out with the help of a bright light radiating from the tip of his staff.

[This message has been edited by roundsquare (edited June 05, 2011).]


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snapper
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Hey Roundsquare! Welcome to hatrack. Glad to meet you. You alias sounds like a boxing ring. Let's see what you have.

I'm going to break this down one sentence at a time. Remember, this is only my opinion.

quote:
Hunt and Gilaael were suddenly enveloped by a shadow falling off the face of the lofty cliff that loomed in front of them.

You won't find a lot of fans of adverbs around here. They often sound like false excitement when an author puts them in, and suddenly certainly does feel like your trying to spice up a bland meal. Cut it.

I am not sure what you mean by enveloped by a shadow falling off the face of the lofty cliff. It sounds like the shadows are alive, wraith like beings. Is that what you mean because the rest doesn't suggest that is the case.

Finally, that loomed in front of them, is one of those qualifiers that you don't need. Read the sentence without it and I am sure you would agree.

quote:
Hundreds of dark shadowy cracks were scattered along the face of the cliff, but only one of them lead into the cave which the two had set out a month earlier to find.

This is otherwise fine sentence except when you get to - which the two had set out a month earlier to find

Infodump. Red flag for most slushreaders. cut it from the sentence and find another way to get the info out, if it is needed.

quote:
Hunt could have, of course referred to the magic in his staff to make life easier for them but he was still honing out his staff skills,

cut of course and to make life easier for them

You are writing down to your readers. Let them draw their own conclusions as they read. Trust in your own writing. Don't feel as if you need to insert every detail you feel is important.

quote:
which in short meant that the two had their work cut out for them.

Infodump. Cut.

quote:
Gilaael forced the wearing muscles in his great wings as he flew from crack to crack while the boy riding on his back ruled each one out with the help of a bright light radiating from the tip of his staff.

Break this sentence up. You have three items - Gilaael flys, They're looking for an opening, The staffs power - crammed together. This needs to be two or three sentences.


I can sum this up in a phrase you are going to hear a lot.

You're telling when you need to show.

Showing isn't as easy as Telling but you'll need to learn how to do it to stand a chance my friend.

Good luck! Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited June 05, 2011).]


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NoTimeToThink
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The start confused me - I thought a shadow actually did fall on them, and expected something solid to follow.
I agree with snapper - too many adverbs, adjectives & qualifiers ("dark shadowy cracks") are chopping and slowing the read.

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