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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Fantasy Short - 5000 words

   
Author Topic: Fantasy Short - 5000 words
Osiris
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Here is my second crack at a fantasy story. It's been through a round of revision, and I feel like it is close to being "ready" but want to get a little more feedback before I start submitting it.

I've left the title out because I might be submitting this to WoTF.

I'm looking for a few readers, and will happily return the favor.

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Dirk tore out yet another incomplete spell from his tome and crumpled it into a ball. If he couldn’t scribe a marketable spell today, he’d sure as hell burn a failed one. And as soon as he did, he’d get back to the Tome Skein and get the last fellowship he needed to win his dream vacation to Mechanicka. Squinting his right eye, Dirk aimed at the fireplace.
“Tralala! Tralalee!”
Dirk jumped and dropped the ball to the floor. “Damn it!”
“Gotcha!” Crystallina rolled with laughter at the base of her colloquy crystal. Her home, a hollowed out chunk of polished quartz, nearly tipped off the oak pedestal by Dirk’s bed. “You do have an incoming colloquy, though.”
“You could’ve whispered. One of these days I’m going to reach..."

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Merlion-Emrys
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Send it to me, Mr. Undead Fertility God.
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annepin
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This left me a little confused.

Dirk tore out yet another incomplete spell from his tome and crumpled it into a ball. If he couldn’t scribe [write? this word seemed odd to me--I associate "to scribe" with working as a scribe, that is, copying manuscripts, etc.] a marketable spell today, he’d sure as hell burn a failed one. And as soon as he did, he’d get back to the Tome Skein and get the last fellowship he needed to win his dream vacation to Mechanicka [I'm totally lost. I have no idea how burning a spell will get him to Tome Skein, wherever that is, nor do I understand what you mean by fellowship in this context and how that has to do with winning a dream vacation]. Squinting his right eye, Dirk aimed at the fireplace.
“Tralala! Tralalee!” [I thought it was Dirk that said this at first, and didn't understand why he jumped. i had to reread before I got it]
Dirk jumped and dropped the ball to the floor. “Damn it!”
“Gotcha!” Crystallina rolled with laughter at the base of her colloquy crystal. Her home, a hollowed out chunk of polished quartz [is this the same thing as the colloquy crystal?], nearly tipped off the oak pedestal by Dirk’s bed [okay, I had to reread this a couple times to understand that she's some kind of tiny creature living in a quartz ball. It's a cute idea, but I just had trouble understanding it. I think it has to do with the order of presentation of the material.]. “You do have an incoming colloquy, though.”
“You could’ve whispered. One of these days I’m going to reach..."

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Crashburn274
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"Scribe" sounds like a term borrowed from a certain RPG. I think it's open game content, and thus fair game, but Annepin is probably right that it could use definition.
That said, you've caught my interest. This will be my first review, but send it to me and I'll see if I can say something useful.

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Crystal Stevens
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I'm planning to send my story to another Hatracker very soon and read his story in return. Send me yours, Osiris, and I'll send you mine to crit too. I'll try to get my crits done sometime before Thanksgiving.
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redux
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I had no problem with the word scribe since it can also be used as a verb meaning to write.

Anyway - the first 13 definitely intrigued me and if you like I will gladly read the rest.

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OliverBuckram
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I had trouble following it. We've got a lot of unfamiliar terms coming at us -Tome Skein, Mechanicka, Dirk, Crystallina, colloquy crystal

With respect to the first sentence. If we are in medieval times, I am not we have notebooks that you tear pieces of paper out of. I would think you would be writing spells on scraps of free standing paper.

" If he couldn’t scribe a marketable spell today, he’d sure as hell burn a failed one."--I didn't understand this sentence. Is burning a failed one a good thing?

And as soon as he did, he’d get back to the Tome Skein==As soon as he did what? Scribe a marketable spell, or burn a failed on?

I liked the idea of Crystallina and her magic phone, but the “Tralala! Tralalee!” was confusing. I thought it was Dirk making a spell to burn the paper. Could you say something like "suddenly dirk was interrupted" or otherwise make it clear where the tralala was coming from. I liked the "tralala" a lot once i realized where it came from

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