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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Blackout - First 13 and looking for crits

   
Author Topic: Blackout - First 13 and looking for crits
micmcd
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This is my first time trying a story in the first person, and started with something of a challenge. I'm looking for crits of the first 2873 words. I'm actually unsure as to whether or not this should be an intro scene to a book, the beginning of a short story, or a serial. It's fun, though.

Blackout is an urban fantasy story, rated PG-13 for violence and minor league swearing.
quote:

I snapped out of it that night with a pain in my jaw. Someone had punched me in the face. Again? Really? Usually I don’t come to until it’s all over. The man underneath me was clawing and scraping, desperately reaching for… oh ****, a gun? So much for trying to stop. My hands were bloody already. I hit him hard in the back of the head. It was oddly exhilarating. Like I said, I usually don’t wake up till after. Despite my history, violence is kind of a new thing for me. Blood splattered out beneath him. Something snapped. He screamed.
Why? Why can’t I just go out to a movie like a normal person? A normal person who goes right the hell home after he’s done. I hit him again—he was still moving. I’d like to be merciful, but chances were that he didn’t have much left anyway and I doubt if


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annepin
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I'm hooked. I'd be happy to read what you've got (and I promise to stop at the 2784th word).
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CGreen
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Mmm, I'm not sure.

'snapped out' and 'usually i don't come to' and 'usually don't wake up' these seem to kind of repeat the issue. I'm thinking if you leave some of the thoughts out you might grab me a little more.

Such as start with the feeling of being punched in the face, maybe give us some confusing thoughts, and have him fight back.

Thing is - in this situation, I'm not sure if he would have these calm thoughts.

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Merlion-Emrys
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My only quarrel with this is, at the very beginning I haven't the faintest idea what in the name of unconsciousness he's snapping out of. Other than that, very nice.

Send it on to me.

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Denevius
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if you're looking for readers, i'll take a look.
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