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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Deadline - first 13 (SF)

   
Author Topic: Deadline - first 13 (SF)
Craley
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The room was small, badly lit and cluttered with chairs filled with solemn faces. Artificial wooden walls, intended to be inviting, made it feel like they were all inside a coffin. Felix looked down at the wash of expressions from the low stage. They were all listening politely to the last speaker standing a few feet from him. Felix was just there as a spectator.

Holographic images flashed in and out of view, following the speaker’s words as he told an anecdote about Felix. Each person in that small, uninviting room was there because of Felix’s life. He was going to die tomorrow and this was his wake.

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Craley
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Hey guys, sorry I didn't add any information about the story. I would just like to know if this hooks you, if you notice any mistakes (of any kind), or if something doesn't make sense. If you do want to read the whole thing let me know! It is 8k.

Any help would be appreciated! I'm a newbie here!

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babooher
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Hola, newbie!

I wouldn't say you have any big mistakes, and I am intrigued. I personally would have led with Felix being at his own wake rather than building up to it, but that is a matter of taste, not right or wrong.

Your first line is a bit off. I doubt the chairs having faces, but that is kinda what you wrote. I also think you mean "artifical wood walls" instead of "wooden."

I can probably give it a read if you want to send it.

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Craley
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He Babooher, thanks for the feedback. It would be great if you could take a look at the story. Do I just email it to the yahoo address in your profile page?
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axeminister
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The chair face thing stumped me too.

I like your mood. Right on with words like "coffin" but also artificial wood and badly lit. You are putting the reader IN Felix's shoes, which is well done.

I like "solemn" too. Gives the whole atmosphere a drab feel. If the guy is still alive, you think there's be a little more happiness, right? Like a living funeral. A celebration of life. But no. This place is one beep above a flat line.

Is the last speaker the final speaker? Or the last speaker the previous speaker? May want to clarify.

Axe

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Denevius
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hello craley, it's 8,000 words? i'll take a look at the whole thing if you're interested in readers.
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babooher
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Yeah, just email.
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Merlion-Emrys
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Better send it to me too.
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Craley
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Hey guys,

Thanks very much for the quick feedback. I really appreciate it. I will email the full MS to you today!

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GreatNovus
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I'll give it a read if you want.
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Craley
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Hey GreatNovus,

Thanks, will send it on through.

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rcmann
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I am new here, so I hesitate to get too in-depth at first. It certainly seems depressing enough for a wake. It's interesting, but...

This is going to sound terrible. But as a reader, rather than an author, why should I care whether the guy is going to die? Maybe he deserves it? For that matter, maybe he wants it? Is he killing himself? Or being executed? Or assisted euthanasia? Is he a saint, a mass murderer? Who is he and why do I care?

I am sorry if that sounded bad. I am new at this. It is well described. I can easily see the room, I can feel his woe. I can watch the holograph flickering on and off, and hear the boring drone of the speaker while the listeners sit there, unimpressed. I can see it all like it was on a screen.

What I can't muster is any concern for the guy. Please don't be offended. I know it's only the first 13 lines. But if he's an interesting war hero who is going to be executed because he's now an embarrassment to the gov't, say so. If he's Hannibal Lector reincarnated, ditto. If he's just some guy who offed his wife because she was screwing around on him, oh well...

This sounds worse, the more I read it. Maybe I shouldn't eve post it. Please remember that I am a complete beginner at writing fiction. I just read a lot.

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Robert Briggs
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It hooked me. I like the setup and description. It has an air of mystery about it that pulled me in and made me want to know more. I see no real problems from my limited perspective. Hope it helps.

Robert

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YNRedef
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I thought it was great! I don't really get onto this site so often, unfortunately. I was just thinking, I would personally have written onle line differently: "Felix was there just as a spectator." That would be my change based on my tone.
Otherwise, I thought it was really great! It's a great hook!

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