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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Stupid Teenage Mom

   
Author Topic: Stupid Teenage Mom
babygears81
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Hey everyone,
I desperately need some help here. I want to submit this story and need to have it ready by the end of next week. It's been a side project of mine. I plan to make it a novella. The title is:
Anecdotes from a Stupid Teenage Mom
(Yeah, I know what Anecdote Means, I'm not THAT Stupid)

It's pretty much just how it sounds. A series of hopefully humorous, tongue in cheeck anecdotes about a teenager's experience as a teen mother. It's told by a 15 year old girl living in Utah. I just took a few of the stories that were semi-ready and mashed them together.

If anybody would be willing to critique it I would greatly appreaciate it and would be willing to swap edits if you want. It's just under 4,000 words. I know I need better transitions from one story to the next and the ending needs work, but I want to know:
1.) Is it funny? It doesn't have to be laugh out loud funny.
2.) Is it too much? Is my character too crass? Is she likeable in spite of her crudeness?
3.) It's told by a 15 year old, so it's supposed to be rambly. But is it too rambly? Does the rambling make it hard to follow?
4.) Anything else you have to add.

Please note: Vulgarity is used and I poke fun of Mormon's in a light hearted kind of way, so if you have a problem with that sort of thing, don't read.

Here are the first 13 so you can tell if you're interested.

Everybody says I’m just a stupid pregnant teenager. And you know what? They’re right. Well, sorta. I’m not pregnant anymore, so I guess I’m just a stupid teenage mom. Well, I’m also a Mexican American girl from Price, Utah, and no, I don’t speak Spanish.
Well? You heard me say Utah, right?
Yep, that’s right.
Land of the Mos and by Mos I mean Mormons. Mos are mostly white and Mexicans ain’t encouraged to speak Spanish when they grow up around a bunch of white people, okay? And my dad’s a white dude anyhow, so I’m really just a half-breed anyways. So anyway, I’m a half-breed, teen-mom atheist livin’ amongst a bunch of stuffy white religious people who say its okay if you’re not like them, but really it’s not because they pass all these laws to make you live like them, whether you want to or not.

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babooher
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Um...this is Friday. The end of the week is nigh.

1.) Is it funny? It doesn't have to be laugh out loud funny. (not yet)
2.) Is it too much? Is my character too crass? Is she likeable in spite of her crudeness? (not sure yet)
3.) It's told by a 15 year old, so it's supposed to be rambly. But is it too rambly? Does the rambling make it hard to follow? (there is one spot where you have anyways within 1 word away from anyway--that kind of sounds bad to me)
4.) Anything else you have to add. (if you meant you need this so you can submit by the end of next week, I can look it over this weekend and have it back by Sunday if you send it to me today. After that, all bets are off)

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A Yeatts
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Send it on over. I'm a fast reader.
Anna
[Smile]

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pdblake
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I find it far too disjointed to want to read on. It also comes across as somewhat of a whiney rant.

Why would everyone call her a stupid, pregnant teenager when she's not pregnant?

I don't get the Utah reference either, but I'm English so maybe I wouldn't. Again, probably an across-the-pond thing, but I don't see the humour either. I see sarcasm, but that's not always humour. [Wink]

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TempestDash
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I'm quite turned off just by these first 13 lines. The character isn't funny yet and has lead off with a string of pejoratives that *might* normally be considered light hearted if it were a standup talking about themselves, but the fact that this girl is fictional kind of makes it seem like you're flinging insults and pretending it's coming from someone else.

Most of the successful comedy books that I've read start with a story to demonstrate the author's expertise in telling a humorous tale THEN they launch into the biographicals, if they ever do that at all (many just leave that to the jacket).

I don't think you've led with your strongest foot here and the lack of narrative distance is unsettling to me.

Of course, humor is very much subjective to the person reading it, so perhaps you may wish to disregard my statements, assuming you can find other more reliable opinions that are contradictory.

I can be a spoil sport at times... [Smile]

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babygears81
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Oops, I meant by the end of NEXT week. Sorry! And no, it is not funny yet. She's just telling you a little about herself and what she has to be angry about. And that all comes later too. I'll send it over AYeatts. Thanks a ton!
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babygears81
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Oh and pdblake, initially, i was going to make her a pregnant teenager, but then decided to make her a teen mother instead. I should change that line. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
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