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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Echoes

   
Author Topic: Echoes
Eliza C
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Okay - last one for awhile, I promise! Some themed subs and antho's that were promising all came up at once and I've been hurrying to get a few stories out the door quickly. I really want to focus on beginnings. Thanks for any help. This is a 6k fantasy story - looking for comments on the first lines .


The knock on the front door drummed down the hall of the narrow house. Edward froze for a heartbeat at the sound. Samuel turned to him, wide-eyed. With a flick of his hand, Edward sent his son hurrying from the kitchen. He waited as the boy’s footsteps pattered the length of the hall and squeaked up the wooden stairs to the bedroom.
It was a well-established routine whenever a potion had recently been sold, and Edward had peddled two in the past fortnight. One day it would be an angry father or brother at the door, that or a constable, and Edward wanted Samuel well out the way when that day came.
Edward opened the front door to find a boy of about Samuel’s age, perhaps eight or nine years old. His fine clothes and new boots

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Corky
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Interesting opening. I'd keep reading.

One thing, though. How can a knock drum? That didn't work for me.

How about having the knock boom or echo? Drumming conjures a rat-a-tat-tat sound to my ears.

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babooher
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I'm having some trouble with the second half and I think it lies with the usage of the pronoun "it." It took a second look to realize "One day it would be an angry father or brother at the door, that or a constable," wasn't the well established routine. I think you could clarify this area by simply taking the first sentence of the second paragraph and pushing it up to be the last sentence of the first paragraph. Then the ideas would be more distinct and separated.


I would read on. Are you looking for readers?

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Eliza C
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Thank you Corky and babooher for the ideas - babooher, like The Last King, this story has been workshopped to death but it's been out a few times already (one close call short-listed at a pro market, though [Smile] ) and I wanted to see how just the first lines read to folks who haven't seen it. I appreciate the offer, though.
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TimP
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Well written and entertaining.

I would definitely read more.

It would be an honor and a pleasure to read the complete story if possible.

Best of luck.

TimP

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rcmann
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My first thought was 'what the hell is he selling?'.
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