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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Supercilious Prince and the Fey King

   
Author Topic: The Supercilious Prince and the Fey King
genevive42
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Prince Graffion emerged languorously from his ponderous slumber to the portentous rumbling injustice of thunder. Lightning assaulted the menacing sky promising no mercy for the living. Indeed, the stormy night would impregnate the river, swelling its banks and absconding with the lives of hundreds of meaningless villagers. Pity, the loss of taxpayers that supported his magnificent castle. He grieved that incentives for breeding would be necessary.

He stood, naked, and padded barefoot across the tantalizingly frigid marble floor. The veins of the black and white marble twirled and flurried so delicately that Graffion imagined fairies fainting in dancing frenzies when they snuck in to revel in their jocular debauchery. He'd found one once, left behind...

*******

This should finish in the 3-5k range and will hopefully be done in the next week, or so. Anyone interested in reading?

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genevive42
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Oh, and yes, I hope to break almost every rule in the book (while still trying to tell a fun story, of course). Shortly after this he gazes in the mirror and thoroughly describes himself.
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Tiergan
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quote:
Originally posted by genevive42:
Oh, and yes, I hope to break almost every rule in the book (while still trying to tell a fun story, of course). Shortly after this he gazes in the mirror and thoroughly describes himself.

Well this explains a lot. I looked in on it last night and saw some pretty descriptive writing with some long and drawn out sentences with some -ly adverbs in there, but held comment until this morning. Glad I did.

Does it work? I don't know. Rereading it now with the thought you intentionally did half of what I would have pointed out brings out a humor element all its own. Sort of like watching "The Princess Bride"

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genevive42
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I thought the absurdity was somewhat obvious, but maybe not. Starting with the character waking up, on a dark and stormy night...with excessive adverbs and over-the-top descriptions. I promise I would never write like this without good reason. [Wink]
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extrinsic
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For flouting more writing principles, consider opening with an exclamation, a dialogue line from a disembodied head or mind, in an unprounceable, invented, or foreign language dialect. Since Prince Graffion seems on the self-absorbed side. Something to the effect of "C'est moi!" he says to no one in particular. (It's I!) That's three writing principles' mischief in one.

More, you say? Heh-heh-heh-heh. No problem of consequence wanting satisfaction presents in the excerpt. I think in order to foreground that principle and yet epically fail, if Prince Griffion had an absurdly trivial want, a self-absorbed want, it would be front and center in his thoughts and spring to mind without cause. Say he wants a morning tonic as an excuse to imbibe. Say a syllabub, an eggwhite and sherry confection much enjoyed during courtly discourse. Wanting it then leads to all kinds of episodic, unrelated, trivial problems, and perhaps an out-of-proportion temper tantrum. That's three more writing principles' mischief: nonlogical causation, trivial problems wanting satisfaction, and kitchen-sink plot pivots.

More, eh? Unneccessary tense and grammatical person lapses. Unsettled voice from narratorial or implied author asides addressed directly to readers in summarization and explanation recital instead of imitation. Clumsy voice principles that if artfully deployed I think would suit an underlying purpose.

Then there's clumsily mixed metaphors amd awkward similes.

Perhaps I go too far.

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axeminister
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This is... insane.
As soon as I saw languorously I knew I was in for a crazy ride. [Smile]

However. I can't help myself. I love it!

Axe

[ June 16, 2012, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: axeminister ]

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Notwald
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I can't tell you how relieved I was when I saw you were doing this on purpose [Wink]

I would be happy to read more. I love the line about incentives for breeding.

I admit, though, that I would have to be convinced in the next few paragraphs that this was going to be worth it...I look forward to being convinced!

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genevive42
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Thanks for the offer Notwald. My work week has turned out busier than usual so it's going to be a little longer before I finish, but I'll send it when it's done. I know it's going to be a fine line where I'll have to rein in some of the heavy prose but keep the tone. Critters are going to be very important on this one.
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axeminister
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Axe checks his inbox.

Nope. Not there yet.

Will keep waiting.

Axe

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