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Author Topic: Crimson Armor - First 13
Ezuma
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King Verenyr rubbed his eyes as he struggled to separate speech from gibberish as his advisors all yelled at one another.

Their speech was nothing but incoherent rambling to his ageing ears, but he knew the topic of discussion: the war.

Xzar’s forces grew stronger and nearer, all while the kingdom of Peralia grew weaker, her armies crumbling at the hands of Xzar’s unnatural and forces.

“I will not abandon my kingdom!” Verenyr yelled, bringing silence to his court.

“But sire!” General Li, leader of the Peralian army and the king’s most trusted advisor rose to his feet. “Xzar attacks us from the north while sin'Quarsum builds his forces to the east. Our kingdom would stand no chance if there were to be open war.”

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 12, 2008).]


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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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It might help, Ezuma, if you tell how much you've finished of this and whether you want feedback on just the first 13 lines or if you want volunteers to read more.
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TaleSpinner
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It's a bit of a hook that the King says "fight" while the General says "But Sire", but their reasons and the stakes are too remote for me to relate to strongly.

I found it hard to figure out who was who. The war is between Xzar (He's a king?) and Peralia, but we have to wait until the fourth para before learning that Verenyr is Peralia's king. I could not figure out how sin'Quarsum was involved--an ally of Xzar perhaps? Also, for a moment I thought Xzar was another kingdom.

I think the first two sentences are about the King's court yelling and could probably be condensed to one. Perhaps, "as his advisors all yelled about the war--the war between his beloved Peralia and ..."

Maybe there's a hook also in "Xzr's unnatural and <what?> forces" but it's too unspecific to work for my taste.

Hope this helps,
Pat


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hteadx
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quote:
King Verenyr rubbed his eyes as he struggled to separate speech from gibberish as his advisors all yelled at one another.

Their speech was nothing but incoherent rambling to his ageing ears, but he knew the topic of discussion: the war.


These two paragraphs seem long winded. They could easily be combined into a couple of sentences.

quote:
Xzar’s forces grew stronger and nearer, all while the kingdom of Peralia grew weaker, her armies crumbling at the hands of Xzar’s unnatural and forces.
I understand that this is the basis of the king's problems, but I think you can feel the reader in on who is fighting who at a later time. A reader will be able figure out Verenyr is on the losing side of this war by his outburst in the next paragraph.

quote:
“I will not abandon my kingdom!” Verenyr yelled, bringing silence to his court.

“But sire!” General Li, leader of the Peralian army and the king’s most trusted advisor rose to his feet. “Xzar attacks us from the north while sin'Quarsum builds his forces to the east. Our kingdom would stand no chance if there were to be open war.”


I like the outburst from the King and I feel this is a better place for you to tell the reader the kingdom's situation. You could do this by letting General Li explain how dire their situation is.

Here is a my quick re-write of your scene

quote:
Verenyr rubbed his eyes as he listen to his advisers throw old arguments of war at him.

“I will not abandon my kingdom!” Verenyr yelled silencing the court.

General Li lunged to his feet. “But sire! Xzar attacks us from the north while sin'Quarsum builds his forces to the east. Our kingdom would stand no chance if there were to be open war.”


I kept the parts which showed Verenyr's aggravation and I cut out the narrative background information. You can add the information later in the scene.


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