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Author Topic: Darwin - Intro lines of 13
rippamate
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I am currently writing the second draft of my novel named Darwin. Below are the 1st 13 lines, contact me if you want to read the first two rewritten chapters, because i need a bit of feedback, as one does.

Edit: forgot to add, genre and word count. genre = thriller, words of first draft 65K.

20th April 2012, Darwin, Australia:
It was hectic back at the command office, it always was. Roberts didn’t care, it was his weekend off, he didn’t have to care.
Roberts eyed the newspaper set out on the table in front of him. He smiled and sipped his coffee, if only the media knew what was really going on in the world.
He sighed, setting the mug down on wooden table. He couldn’t totally cast off his work, it always lingered somewhere in the back of his mind. Nevertheless it didn’t really bother him, he wasn’t in the office and there was no way the office would come to him.
He turned the page and rolled his eyes, another pineapple plantation lost in Queensland.

Edit: changed it.

[This message has been edited by rippamate (edited November 15, 2008).]


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Broda
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If a computer is connected to the internet it can most likely be accessed in some form or fashion - with the right tools.

I'm a bit confused about what is going on in the first 13 though. What is "really going on"? Any hint? Is it a massive virus? A hacker run a muck?


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rippamate
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I must confess the italics need to be worked on. As the story unfolds you'll have a better undersstanding of the conputer, but that isn't the focus of the story, its really creating background. the un-italics are where it really begins. But yeah, i'm guessing you'll need the first 13 lines of the unitalics but the starts still an issue for me at the moment that is why i wanted someone to look at the first 2 chapters.

As for the computer, it is one awesome machine. And in accessed i mean it can grab files on the computers, it is very direct... but anyway.

Edit: as for a hint, the beginning leads to Darwin getting bombed, the story is the aftermath and the invasion that follows.

[This message has been edited by rippamate (edited November 12, 2008).]


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satate
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I find the italics odd. It makes them really stand out and I then expect that this story is mostly going to be about this computer. I would find a different way to say the computer can access everything. Right now it doesn't sound that cool. I think it would be more effective if you showed us Roberts discovering this. Then we would understand how neat it is.

Right now the first thirteen lines feel confusing. I definetly like how the story is going after the italics. There's hook there with the statment about the media knowing what was really going on that you don't need the italics part for a hook. Also I think you have a nice strong voice with the Roberts guy.


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rippamate
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There is a short italics section at the beginning of each chapter (orson does this as well as other authors to give echo's into the chapter), glimpsing into the main characters life. Should i just give you the first 13 lines of the unitalics instead?

Edit: btw Roberts isn't the main main character. So he isn't the voice in the italics.

[This message has been edited by rippamate (edited November 13, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by rippamate (edited November 13, 2008).]


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satate
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I think you should post the first thirteen without the italics if it is so separate from the text to almost be an opening quote unrelated to the story at hand. In the format it's in it's hard to tell that's what you meant it to be. I thought initially it was Robert's who was thinking it. On a side not you should probably say who is saying/thinking it.
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rippamate
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Alright i changed it, see what you think now.
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