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Author Topic: 1st 13 for Night Path (working title) Fantasy
Craigrs
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Basically I am finished, I just want some feed back on the opening. I tried starting it out with a bang.

She was dead before he got there.
Keir lovingly placed Ella’s body on the ground. In all his years as a sword for hire he had never felt the kind of untempered scolding rage that had ended two lives in the blink of an eye. He now felt the detached clarity of a soldier again. The three remaining wouldn’t be taken off guard, no room for emotion in their death. He blinked, took a deep breath and picked up his sword. The men were fanning out, he could feel their hesitation, even though he was alone and completely unarmored he was a threat. No, not completely unarmored he thought, the gore of their companions still splattered his body and sword. A mental armor. They feared him.


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missjack
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I like the idea of starting right into his fight of vengeance for his dead love; so right on with the scene choice. That being said, for me, the first line falls a little flat. I get what you were going for, and it /almost/ gets there, but not quite… This is just personal opinion, though, so it might rivet many others. But the ‘before he got there’ seems vaguely redundant. If he arrived, and she’s dead, of course she died before he got there. She /was/ dead clears it up for me. Also, the skip from that sentence to the next action doesn’t flow particularly well.

I dug the ‘mental armor’ thing. Nice. But unarmored is sort of an awkward word. And instead of ‘were fanning’ and ‘could feel’, try ‘fanned’ and ‘felt’.


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Meredith
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I like it, basically. I would want to read on. Just two things.

I think you want scalding rage, not scolding.

This sentence was a little awkward for me:
"The men were fanning out, he could feel their hesitation, even though he was alone and completely unarmored he was a threat."

I would break it into two. Put a period after hesitation. It gives his status as a threat more weight.


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Craigrs
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Thanks for the feed back, it is much appreciated.
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annepin
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She was dead before he got there.
Keir lovingly placed Ella’s body on the ground. In all his years as a sword for hire he had never felt the kind of untempered scolding rage scolding rage? that seems a bit weak. School teachers scold pupils when they are bad. Do you mean "scalding"? if so, it's probably enough that the rage is "untempered", IMOthat had ended two lives in the blink of an eye. He now felt the detached clarity of a soldier again. The three remaining wouldn’t be taken off guard, no room for emotion in their death I had to think through this sentence a bit. I think I get what you're saying--because the three would be prepared for him he couldn't afford to let his fury run rampant; rather, he'd have to have his wits around himself to dispatch them. He blinked, took a deep breath and picked up his sword. The men were fanning out, he could feel their hesitation,period even though he was alone and completely unarmored he was a threat hm.. it seems the opportune time to attack him would have been while he had his hands full with Ella, presumably, without his sword in hand. This sort of punctures my ability to suspend disbelief. No, not completely unarmored he thought, the gore of their companions still splattered his body and sword. A mental armor. They feared him.last line is redundant

Okay, you start us right in the middle of a fight. It's a sad moment, but I'm not sure I care about him. It seems like we're going to delve right into a fight scene, which I'd probably skip over, esp since the odds seem to be in his favor. Meanwhile, I know nothing of his situation, except that he got there too late to save his loved one.


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