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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Vision (YA SF) alternate 13 line prologue

   
Author Topic: Vision (YA SF) alternate 13 line prologue
RDF
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Henki began as a wisp of playful curiosity.

For centuries Henki drifted, learning the subtle taste of atmospheric oxygen and nitrogen, unbinding carbon dioxide and water until he could reassemble himself into air at will. Then Henki tasted complex chemical mineral structures. Henki savored the flavors. He imitated them. Henki became the rock.

Tasting life brought dynamic variety to Henki. He impersonated the life cycle of a thousand different vegetables, one after the other. Vegetables taught Henki patience, but animals taught Henki to hear, to see, to touch, and to think. None compared to Henki's taste, but they were exquisite. From life, Henki also learned death, but his motto during every experience remained "What will happen next?"

[This message has been edited by RDF (edited December 31, 2008).]


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aspirit
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I'm guessing you're tired of "Replies: 0".

I don't see how to improve these lines. I like this and would read more to discover the first conflict.


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RDF
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Thanks.
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Yufae
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The writing is excellent. I'm not sure if it's the sort of story I would be interested in, but if I'd picked it up in a book store, I would have been intrigued enough to read for a few pages. So if there's a main conflict to the story, you might want to introduce it soon after these 13 to really sink the hook. And you have the benefit of a smooth writing style, which will really help your readers keep reading.
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Gan
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Had this been posted after I joined, I definitely would've given a critique. Sorry!

This story had me laughing at one point. I could visualize this little entity (If you can call it that) experiencing and learning things almost like a newborn child. I really enjoyed it.

The writing itself, has few flaws I can comment on. I will, however, point out one thing that bothered me.

quote:
From life, Henki also learned death, but his motto during every experience remained "What will happen next?"

This line here jumped out at me. I'm not sure what it is, but it just didn't... feel right. If that makes any sense. This could very well be personal preference, though.

Edit: I just saw that this is a YA novel. In a YA novel, this could fit.

[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 15, 2009).]


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AMPAglut
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I'm with Gan (pre-edit) on the line: "From life, Henki also learned death, but his motto during every experience remained "What will happen next?" It sounds... contrived in comparison to the earlier prose. I think it's the "his motto during every experience remained "What will happen next?"" bit that does it. Perhaps you could find a way to change the wording on that while keeping the sentiment intact?

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Christian
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Ok, looks like i'm in the minority here, but the 1st 13 did not hook me. I will admit that my 'gripes' are, more than likely, a matter of personal preference.I thought the writing was great, I loved the concept of Henki being able to learn about things at the molecular level...I just was not intrigued. Nothing was happening.

I could picture an old man sitting in a rocking chair telling the story of "Henki" to his grandkids. But I didn't feel as if this were happening to Henki. Or as if he was experiencing it.

This seems like it could be handled in a flashback since obviously Henki can think, move, and probably talk now. Let's start with Henki now, not Henki the molecular curiousity. But, if I'm the lone dissenting opinion, there's really no reason for you to change anything.


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Bycin
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I have to admit I wasn't hooked either. I was too distracted by the fact that the word "Henki" appeared so often. Ten times in the first thirteen knocked me right out of the story and I don't think I would get back in.
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