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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Joyriders Issue 1 - Crashing the Party

   
Author Topic: Joyriders Issue 1 - Crashing the Party
micmcd
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Looking for feedback on the hook, and would love reviewers for the first 25k if any are interested.

This is a hard SF serial about a bunch of college kids accidentally getting in way, way over their heads.

quote:

The steel corridor of the dormitory wing was eerily silent at 0250. Not unusual given the time, but it felt odd to Jackie. She’d never broken curfew this severely before. She glanced up and down the hall one last time to check for anyone watching. Seeing no one, she aimed her LED at the corner mirror and flicked the light on and off three times. Remy and Alan came tiptoeing around the corner and rushed to her side.
“You sure about this?” Alan whispered. “We’ll be stuck with him for a week.”
“He’s not a bad guy - you’ll see,” said Remy. “Besides, I owe him one.”
Jackie emphatically put her finger to her lips, too afraid to actually make a noise to shush the boys. She brushed a lock of

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 24, 2011).]


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mbwood
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Hello, MicMcd;
Your opening tweaked my curiosity – steel corridors? Hmm, are we on a spaceship? A marine vessel? Or, in a prison? I’ve done some tightening.

The minor changes:

Even though the steel corridor of the dormitory wing was silent, at 0250 it felt odd to Jackie. She’d never broken curfew before. She glanced up and down the hall one last time. Seeing no one, she aimed her LED at the corner mirror and flicked the light on and off three times.

Remy and Alan tiptoed around the corner. “You sure about this?” Alan whispered. “We’ll be stuck with him for a week.”

“He’s not a bad guy - you’ll see,” Remy said. “Besides, I owe him one.”

Jackie put her finger to her lips, too afraid to make a noise to shush the boys. She brushed a lock of

(as you can see, I don’t like adverbs unless absolutely essential)

Remember the first rule of writing... Write!

MBW

p.s. - have you taken a look at my posting?


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micmcd
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Thanks for the feedback MBW - I hadn't taken a look at your stuff earlier b/c I was trying to focus my efforts on the entries that hadn't gotten many responses. I posted my 2 cents on your latest.
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J. N. Khoury
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Sounds very cool and yes, I am hooked! I'm very picky about the sci-fi I read, but I have the feeling I would definitely be drawn into this, given your first 13 and your logline. Only suggestion is on this sentence:
Jackie emphatically put her finger to her lips, too afraid to actually make a noise to shush the boys. I'd cut the bold part. It's understood she's trying to be silent by the very act of putting the finger to the lips.

Good work and happy writing!


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MDBHarlan
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I like the idea of the secret signals. The line about flashing the light 3 times was what hooked me.
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LDWriter2
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Sounds interesting and intriguing. I'm not sure if I can say much about it though. Nice hook.
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KathiS
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I want to know who they'll be stuck with and why so you've hooked me. Personal preference: I hate military time because I then have to stop and try to figure out what time that actually is and that boots me out of the story.

I agree with the comments on the last line -- you could probably do away with everything after the comma and use silently instead of emphatically if you still felt you needed to relay that.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie silently put her finger to her lips.
----------------------------------------------------------------

~kls


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