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Author Topic: Offbeat: A Fairy Tale
SBPelo2011
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Of all the places for Gwen to have a wizard's tower, the idiot magician had to choose the center of the Forbidden Forest.

And, Jared mused dryly, whatever imbecile named it the Forbidden Forest was high on fairy dust. The massive expanse of wooded land wasn't all that forbidden per say. Just a bit wild. Exactly the type of place for which he had an innate affinity that drove his mother batty.

Come to think of it; MUM might very well have named it to keep me from going out and getting myself tusked by a wild boar or gutted by a unicorn pissed off about my intemperance. He chuckled and hacked his way through a few low hanging branches on a gnarled apple tree that dripped ominously with a bright green substance. His sword would need a thorough cleaning and a

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 15, 2011).]


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mythique890
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Ok, it's been a long time since I've been on here, but I'll give it a try.

In general, I found the world you're setting up really interesting. However, some of the wording was confusing. Is Gwen his mother? I think maybe not, but I'm unsure.

Also, one thing, I *thought* (and could be wrong) that people with swords carry their own whetstones, so that isn't something he'd need to visit a blacksmith for. Maybe. You can see how helpful I am.

Maybe you're mentioning too much? You have Gwen, his mother, him, a tower + forest, an oozy apple tree, and a trip to the blacksmith all grabbing for my attention in those first lines.

Overall, though, I'd definitely read on if I picked it up in a bookstore or library. I like how you've already given a good sense of Jared's character.

Edited to add:
A typo I caught: "per say" is actually Latin and spelled "per se."

[This message has been edited by mythique890 (edited August 15, 2011).]


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SBPelo2011
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That's the tricky thing about only posting the first thirteen lines. The story goes on to explain that Gwen is actually a male wizard named by his mother in a bitter fit when he wasn't born the girl she wanted him to be. His full name is Gwendolyn Atticus Fiona Brand actually. He tried going by Atticus in school, but a cruel bully stuck him with Gwennie.

Unfortunately again, the transition of the thirteen lines does not cover italics or underlined phrases. Jared has a lot of internal conversations. His mum is only in his thoughts at this point.

I changed the typo - thanks for that note. It made it past my spelling and grammar checks because say is actually a word...go figure. :P


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mythique890
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Yes, that's definitely a fallback of the first 13. I think it's hilarious that you have a male wizard with a girl name! It's one of those little things that make stories memorable and fun, IMO. Thanks for clarifying!
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MDBHarlan
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I too found some of the wording a little confusing but I liked the voice. Jared sounds like he will be a fun character. If you want a reader for your first chapter I am willing.
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Crane
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quote:
Of all the places for Gwen to have a wizard's tower, the idiot magician had to choose the center of the Forbidden Forest.

I'm wondering if Gwen is a magician or a wizard or if they are different from each other? Then sentence makes me think they must be different, because it mentions both of them. Now I'm wondering, why does a magician have a wizard's tower?

quote:
Come to think of it; MUM might very well have named it to keep me from going out and getting myself tusked by a wild boar or gutted by a unicorn pissed off about my intemperance.

Now I'm envisioning some kind of ultra violent unicorn temperance league. Why do they care about drunks slashing their way through the woods on a sunny afternoon? Some kind of 12-stepping unicorns, maybe? Magical AA... maybe that explains why our tree-house basement unicorn is always so mean.

You can use UBB Code to make italics if you want. This might help.


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SBPelo2011
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I think "intemperance" was the wrong word. I re-read the chapter and figured that out after posting...thanks for noting it! In mythology there is a strong connection between young virgins and unicorns. I am playing off of that concept in order to give a glimpse into Jared's carefree attitude about pretty much everything in life. (he's a bit jaded)

As for the wizard in the tower, the sentence got a rewrite thanks to your note. I needed to figure out how to introduce several characters in this first chapter since there are technically two "heroes", one "wise one", and a villain who all take center stage. There are other characters, but those four are the backbone.

To explain it a little better than 13 lines, this fairy tale is a bit of an offbeat one. The princess got sent to another reality because of a faulty protection spell, the wrong prince has to go kiss her, and the Merlin-wanna-be, "drop-out from Wizard's school actually knows more about the big picture than he says.

Oh and Prince Charming? Not so much...he gets to play villain in this story.

Hopefully that might clear up a bit. It's going to be a story of cliches, anti-cliches, and hilarious mix-ups in what I hope will end up being a trilogy.


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