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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Trespassers

   
Author Topic: Trespassers
Denevius
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[ March 21, 2014, 12:07 AM: Message edited by: Denevius ]

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Architectus
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I'm not a big fan of prologues. I think most of the time they aren't necessary.

Is the story about these two gods? Right away, I think maybe it is, and then I'm not interested because gods are usually boring to read about.

The opening sentence alienates readers. It mentioned two gods, and an alien universe, nothing of which we can relate to.

Just my thoughts. Perhaps start with the first chapter?

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Denevius
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thanks for the reply, architectus.
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J
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Two gods fought to the death in an alien universe. One of them, Lahore, a being darker even than the space around him, raised a fist awash in light and slammed it into the face of Clandestine, the other god. The energy released from the impact rivaled a star gone nova; but Clandestine, whose wings shined a thousand bright colors, withstood the strike and countered with a kick of similar magnitude to Lahore’s side. [I like the overly mythic tone; but the level of detail in the fight description doesn't suit it well. For example, "kick of similar magnitude to Lahore's side" breaks the mythic "feel" and sounds more like a play-by-play. I'd consider keeping with the more sweeping, less detailed, mythic meme].

Shock waves from the battle flowed through cold space and pushed cosmic clouds of particles together, conceiving new celestial bodies which would take a million years to be born out of this chaotic beginning. [Like it--very consistent with the mythic theme and feel]

The battle raged on.

Clandestine spread his fingers and with an immense burst of power sent forth an energy blast which hammered into Lahore. [Same thoughts re: level of detail as above]

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Denevius
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thanks for the reply, J. actually, it took me a moment to realize you'd inserted comments in the 13 lines. at first i was wondering why'd you simply copy and repasted what i had posted. but again, thanks.
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mythique890
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It sounds like the beginning of something high fantasy to me. Is it?

My thoughts:

..."Clandestine, the other god." This could just be me, but you've already mentioned that there are two gods fighting, so to specify "the other god" is unnecessary and cuts into your flow.

The other thing that drew me out of the story a bit was the name "Clandestine," because it's a word. It's meaning, something like "secret" or "hidden" seems to go against this god's nature, which I inferred to be Light from this opening.

A nitpick: "shined" would sound more formal or high or whatever (the tone I think you're going for) if it were "shone," IMO, but that's just a little thing.

Last, I sort of wondered why gods were punching and kicking each other. It seems so... human, I guess. I always pictured gods as the sort to hurl lightning bolts or mind rays or something, but I KNOW that one is just me!

Overall, though, I liked your writing style and thought it was good!

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Denevius
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thanks for the reply, mythique. and actually, it's more urban fantasy/speculative fiction than high fantasy.

thanks again.

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The_last_lifeline
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"A being darker even than the space around him, raised a fist awash in light"

Why was a being darker than black glowing?

Because this is a prelude, I have to wonder if this is simply an explanation of your book's home planet was made, or if these gods are bigger/main characters? If this incident is not relatively near to the timeline of the book, it might be worth considering waiting to reveal this fight until the reader begins to wonder about it. As a reader, I prefer that authors make me ask questions before they start answering them.

However, you did raise several of the good kinds of questions, and I would want to know why they were fighting and what the cosmic impact was, so I would keep reading.

Good job!

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RLKnight
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denevius,
i like the concept and have no problem with a prologue that explains world creation, as long as world creation has something to do with the main story.
I do have a suggestion though. if you are describing a fight between two celestial gods, keep it epic and sweeping. it is the one area, in my opinion, where the action/reaction rule to fights can be interspersed with descriptive prose.
just make sure the prologue has something to do with the overall plot.

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Denevius
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ah, thanks for the comments lifeline. i didn't notice them posted there december 2nd.

and thanks, knight. yeah, the prologue has something to do with the overall plot.

thanks again!

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