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Author Topic: The Heir's Hunt
arriki
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This is a book two, a continuation of "Evolution for Immortals." The term hallen refers to an individual with a special connection with clan's lifeforce. I hope this helps clarify somewhat(?) what book one spent time explaining.


The work space allowed to Thwelin in Medicine Division was deep in a high security section. As he approached his cubicle, his co-workers stopped work and stared at him. Thwelin slowed his steps and peered over the chest-high cubicle wall. A hallen sat in the metal chair inside, idly leafing through a pile of documents stacked for translation. A cold, sweaty nervousness seized Thwelin. What had he done to bring a hallen looking for him?

The hallen swiveled the chair around with one foot and gave Thwelin an all over stare with a scent as neutral as a machine's. He sniffed once confirming Thwelin's identity then said, "Yes, you're the one I want."

The Heir, Thwelin thought, has finally realized my usefulness!

"Does she --"

"She? No, our Heir did not send me."

[ January 25, 2014, 01:56 AM: Message edited by: arriki ]

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Denevius
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Since this is book two, I guess some of this stuff has been explained. Come to think of it, I kind of remember your name. I *believe* I may have read some of this previously.

quote:
He sniffed once confirming Thwelin's identity
I'm pretty sure this is a change in POV.

I'm not sure why, but the prose reads a bit awkwardly. I re-read it, and I can't quite put my finger on why. I do think we get some confusing signals from Thwelin. At first he seems nervous upon seeing a hallen, and then suddenly he seems excited. Again, perhaps the earlier section will make what's going on here more clear.

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arriki
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Does this clear up the pov?


The work space allowed to Thwelin in Medicine Division was deep in a high security section. As he approached his cubicle, his co-workers stopped work and stared at him. Thwelin slowed his steps and peered over the chest-high cubicle wall. A hallen sat in the metal chair inside, idly leafing through a pile of documents stacked for translation. A cold, sweaty nervousness seized Thwelin. What had he done to bring a hallen looking for him?

The hallen stopped reading and swiveled the chair around with one foot. Thwelin sniffed discreetly at the a scent as neutral as a machine's. The hallen watched Thwelin intently then said, "Yes, you're the one I I've been waiting for."

The Heir, Thwelin thought, has finally realized my usefulness!

"Does she --"

"No. Our Heir did not send me here. I am the hallen for the 1st Riell."

[ January 25, 2014, 11:16 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

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jerich100
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Are these the first few lines of the second book? If so, then I recommend easing into the tension and issues more subtly. A feathered approach as opposed to an abrupt one.

Some description of the scene would be beneficial. Set the mood of the story by adding some description of the high security section or his cubicle, such as "dark" or "purified" or "depressed". I refer you to the first couple paragraphs of the novel 1984. You can get the text for that on-line for free. In two paragraphs George Orwell provides a vivid picture setting up the entire novel. I realize he was brilliant and the rest of us are just plebes, but hopefully it will help you anyway.

Because this is a second book in a series, some readers may have skipped the first. I do this frequently with book serieses. I skip the first book, assuming the second is written better. Perhaps I'm unusual in this regard. Anyway, "creating questions" at the beginning of the story is good so long as they're not eclipsing everything else.

Isn't "work space" one word? Change "allowed" to "assigned"?

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arriki
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I am toying with beginning with where Sam is being taken away from the rest of the humans to a place up in the high mountains where there will be only aliens for him to interact with.

That opening is a bit up the line here.

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