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Author Topic: 13 line hook challenge # 18
snapper
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Entry # 1

Brent T Jones versus the Mutant Mountain Men: take one

Ed gave Albert a quick glance as he seated himself in the passenger seat. His jealous frown made the pilot smirk.
“Lita is quite a looker. Imagine what you could with her.”
“I don’t get it, Ed. She could have any guy she wants. Why Brent? He treats her like crap and cheats on all his girls.”
Ed snorted. “Look Al, if you want to impress a floozy like…”
A huge dark winged creature darted in front of the twin-engine prop. Albert screamed as Ed pressed the wheel in attempt to dive. The plane jolted. “Damn! Right engine is out, gotta land. What the hell did we hit? Thing was as big as an albatross.”
“Looked like a bat,” Albert started to say. Ed turned to see his sheet white face. “Except it had a human face.”


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snapper
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Entry #: 2

Title: Special Affects
My wonderful 13 lines:

Brent-T was striding in front of Lita too quickly. She had to jog to catch up, which was no easy task in knee-high, spike-heeled boots. Brent-T (never just Brent lately, always Brent-T) acted as if the plane crash was nothing more than a gnarly special effect and the trek through Icy Hell was just a scene from one of his movies; like any minute someone would call scene and it would be off to the mini-sub sandwich tray for all of them. Lita was freaked, though. Her agent and three others were dead. That hadn’t completely sunk in yet, but the onset of frostbite had. Solid cold burrowed into her bared cleavage and midriff, constantly reminding her that there was no film crew waiting off-camera. They were stranded. Lita's certainty that she would become the modern, chick version of Buddy Holly grew by the



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snapper
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Entry # 3

The Frozen Lens

Ice and water, as far and wide as he could see. Brent Jones stared out the window of the charter seaplane, scanning the landscape. Jagged mountains carved the sky and swooped down into a deep valley. The mountains formed a threatening barrier to the lake and plains beyond them. There was an eerie chill in the cabin, and the pilot and all seven passengers felt it.

"Look!" Brent shouted. "Do you see that?"

His girlfriend, Lita, who had taken a Quaalude with a shot of tequila before take-off, rested beside him, unmoved.

"What? What?" asked Albert, the young man behind him.

"Look at the huge building on that mountain," Brent said.

The pilot turned. "That’s the Gruber Institute. Shut down now. They were doin’ some weird experiment and it went wrong."

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snapper
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Entry#:4
Title: Icy cold

Brent snaked his arm around Lita and cocked an eyebrow at me. Yeah, none of the pop-star couple’s many adopted children were in this plane; that was a good thing. I turned back around and looked at the glowing instrument panel and then, all hell broke loose.
I was slammed against the seat, my right hand groped toward the stick; with my left hand, I keyed the mike, “Mayday, Mayday, this is November-One-Oh-Two-Sierra-Whiskey. We are declaring an emergency.” I craned around to look at my passengers, Brent was out, a small trace of blood etched its way down his famous chin. Lita braced herself against the back of my seat, eyes focused out the front.
“Lights over there,” She yelled and pointed toward the right.
“Crash landing. We're goin' in. We're going down.” I yelled into the mike and wrestled the plane right.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited September 19, 2008).]


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snapper
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Entry # 5
Title: Arctic Wild

I put my hand to my forehead and moaned; my eyes squeezed tight against the dim light. A pathetic attempt at a deep, steadying breath turned into something devilishly close to hyperventilating. What was making me feel so hellishly sick? I hate airplanes. Hate them. Do you have any idea how tiny the plane is that takes you from Fairbanks, Alaska to the Arctic? At least it was loaded with alcohol. I moaned again, remembering. The dramamine. I was already well on my way to being plastered when I took it, and it felt like a semi had slammed into me. Apparently alcohol and motion sickness pills don't mix.

Something new was happening now though. Objects in the plane were sliding towards the front of the plane, and that doesn't usually happen when I'm drunk. Then Lita screamed.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited September 19, 2008).]


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snapper
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Entry # 6

The Asylum

Ed waited for the tirade of insults to end. He flexed his fingers in the arctic air, making tiny fists to briefly warm them up. After a few minutes, Brent and Lita had finished with berating him for crash-landing their plane and making them late for the all-important Air Arctic photo-shoot. Albert held his many cameras bags and stood by sheepishly waiting for someone to tell him what to do. Ed sighed. He knew what he had to do.
Ed swung a hard right and cold-cocked Brent off his feet and into the snow. He smiled a questioning smile at Lita to see if she understood the situation. She understood. He was in charge.
“We got a busted radio and no shelter," said Ed, as Lita helped Brent up. "I saw something up by the north cliff. It looked like a building. So let's pack the essentials and get going. Any questions?"


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snapper
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Entry# 7

Title: Cold Snap

In the movies, action star Brent Jones would be cocking his trusty shotgun, chewing a cigar, and growling something bad-ass about now. Instead he was crying like a baby, trapped in a real life horror movie. He wanted to hide his shameful blubbering, but was too scared and sore from the crash to go off alone somewhere in the lab.

Lita awkwardly patted his arm. "It's ok, babe. We're safe in here."

He nodded and sniffed, sobs subsiding. "Is he back yet?"

Ed appeared on cue, breathing hard and looking traumatized. "There's definitely something alive in here, I swear it was watching me. Found a comm. room, but the radio needs some work. I say we bunk down in there until I get it fixed." He glanced down at Brent. "What's his problem?"


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snapper
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Times up! You can start voting now.
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LAJD
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Excellent job everyone.

first--> The Frozen Lens
second--> Special Affects
third--> Cold Snap
best title--> The Frozen Lens


Entry #1- Brent T Jones versus the Mutant Mountain Men: take one
You have lost me in the first sentence. I am not sure who is talking and which one is Ed and which Albert. Also, its not clear to me that they are flying, for some nutty reason I read the first sentence thinking they were on the ground.



Entry #:2 Special Affects
I don’t like the ‘no easy task’ in the first line, but I do like the ‘always Brent-T’ in the second. This made me chuckle, along with the comment about the mini-sub bar. Pretty good.


Entry # 3 The Frozen Lens
The sentence about Lita rested beside him unmoved, was awkard, but other than that its pretty good. I would say that sentence does not add to the hook. All in all its hooky.


Entry#:4 Title: Icy cold
Could be better, But I’m not sure if the pop reference works here.


Entry # 5 Title: Arctic Wild
I liked the first two sentences, but then why are you asking what makes you sick. Its clearly airplanes...8) However, I am not sure that I would be hooked by airsickness. If you moved the last sentence up, then maybe.


Entry # 6 The Asylum
Is Ed small? Why are his fists small? Had a hard time getting past that. I would also make the berating into showing.

Entry# 7 Title: Cold Snap
I like this idea for a beginning, but I would suggest a description of an incident at the beginnng.


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billawaboy
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Cool, votin' time!

1st: Arctic Wild
2nd: Frozen Lens
3rd: Brent T Jones v MMM: take 1

Top Title: Brent T Jones versus the Mutant Mountain Men: Take 1
(I know if I saw that title on a book, I'd *have* to take a look)

E#1 BTJvMMM:T1
Okay opening, a bit of ambiguous dialogue in the beginning, but straightens itself out. Perhaps introduced the mutants too early? Still "a huge dark winged creature" hooked me - so I'd read on for a while to see where it goes.

E#2 Special Affects
First line was fine, but after that I kept getting knocked about by "never just Brent lately..." and all the hollywood lingo. I understand it, but it seem a bit early to use in first 13 lines.

E#3 The Frozen Lens
Okay opening lines. Hook is pretty blatantly out there. It flows well and is straightforward. Seems a bit...um...plain? Still, it makes me a bit curious about the Gruber institute...

E#4 Icy Cold
First line introduces three characters at once. Perhaps a bit overwhelming a first - for me, at least. The second line broke my flow - not sure why. Just seemed like an opnions that came without warning. Perhaps too soon since we don't even know much about the narrator. After that it read fine. But TBH, I felt no hook.

E#5 Arctic Wild
This read really well for me. I was at the last line before I knew it and wanted to read on. The hook, I think, is the style of narration. The title however makes me think of a Jack London, man vs nature, type of story. Still, I'd read on.

E#6 The Asylum
First couple of lines are okay; "tiny fists" bothered me. I dunno, Brent Lita and Albert seem kinda typecast, but I guess that could change later on. Not much of a hook, but the title helps a bit with that. Seems a bit ordinary.

E#7 Cold Snap
Humerous, and reads well, but the opening feels like I opened the middle of the book and started reading. Like catching the middle of a movie. It feels like I missed the hook several paragraphs, perhaps several chapters, ago. 'Ed appeared on cue" sounds a bit weird, but it might be part of the tongue-in-cheek humor. Can't tell as of yet.

Looking forward to reading the critiques,

~bb~


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philocinemas
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This sounds like “The Edge” meets “The Thing” – good job everyone!


1 – Brent T Jones vs. the MMM: take one – I’d have to agree with LAJD, I lost the speaker very early and couldn’t recover. The – “Looked like a bat,” Albert started to say. – line also bothered me. It seems like he did say it.

2 – Special Affects – I feel like the setting should have been established earlier. The “Brent-T” bit was a little annoying, but made more sense when I realized the narrator was 3rd limited on Lita. Like it from 3rd line down.

3 – The Frozen Lens – Not sure how there’s ice and water at the same time, but I guess it’s possible - Titanic. It starts with Brent’s POV but then seems to shift to omniscient with the “chill” comment. It ends kind of generic.

4 – Icy Cold – Liked the opener. Second sentence was awkward. I’m kind of torn on the rest of this. I sense the chaos but the narrator seems too aware of everything going on to be 1st person. “Oh” should be October unless followed by an expletive. Lita seems a little too “lucid.”

5 – Arctic Wild – Loved the narrator’s voice. There were a few fragments, but I have seen this style with other writing, so I guess it is somewhat acceptable. Second to last sentence uses “plane” twice unnecessarily. Everything else is great!

6 – The Asylum – Understood the fists, but “tiny” might not have been the right word. First paragraph was a little crowded. “Cameras bags” didn’t sound right. I did like Ed taking charge – it seemed to energize the story. The hook was weak.

7 – Cold Snap – I liked the first sentence, very Clint Eastwood, but I’m not sure of the setting. Loved the showing Brent’s wimp side. I really like Ed – especially the last line.


Best Title – Cold Snap
1st – Cold Snap
2nd – Arctic Wild
3rd – Icy Cold


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alliedfive
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Entry # 1 - Brent T Jones vs the Mutant Mountain Men: take one
The first couple of sentences I was confused about who was who, and who was talking. The hook is clear and creepy. A human face! - Duh Duh Duh (scary music)

Entry #: 2 - Special Affects
The “Brent-T” thing was distracting. I wasn’t sure how to read it. Also, I’m not sure if you meant this to be one big paragraph, but it feels dense and rambling. I liked the Buddy Holly reference.

Entry # 3 - The Frozen Lens
Awesome title. I was somewhat confused about POV. If it’s Brent, then the narration at the beginning should include whatever he saw that freaked him out. It felt like that was being withheld, but I couldn’t tell who’s POV we were in, so I’m not sure. After that, it’s well written, good hook. Nice job.

Entry#:4 - Icy cold
The “Pop star children” didn’t really have anything to do with anything, and felt like too blatant a wink at real life. For a plane crash, he sure notices a lot of insignificant details. Hook is there, but I’m not sure I care if these people die in a plane crash.

Entry # 5 - Arctic Wild
Really nice, well written. I was thrown out of the story by the 2nd person “Do you have any idea” part. Really liked the last two sentences.

Entry # 6 - The Asylum
I think you have some tense problems in the first few sentences that made them confusing. This part specifically: “After a few minutes, Brent and Lita had” you could lose the “had”. After that, I really liked it, although the hook is subtle (no hint of anything paranormal).

Entry# 7 - Cold Snap
Liked the opening couple sentences. We’re not given anyone sympathetic until the very end.

1st - Entry # 3 - The Frozen Lens
2nd - Entry # 5 - Arctic Wild
3rd - Entry # 6 - The Asylum
Best title - Entry # 3 - The Frozen Lens


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Reagansgame
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Brent T Jones versus the Mutant Mountain Men: take one Very Cool. I liked the dialogue. And the beastie has my interest.

Special Affects Didn't we have a brief discussion about the Affects vs. Effects not too long ago, if this is confusing to folks aspiring to write, maybe the title is too ghetto. Especially since the hook didn't even get to the affects part. And who does Brent think he is? Li-lo? Diddy? Can't go changing your name every five minutes if you're a serious actor.

The Frozen Lens I liked the jagged mountains carving the sky and the last line was interesting, but I think there was too much info trying to be pushed out too fast.

Icy Cold I don't get the reference to the adopted kids. The rest was pretty cool. Great word pictures. Blood etching down a famous chin was impressive.

Arctic Wild The risk with first person is that your reader has to be able to relate and, I'm sorry, I can't relate, so I can't get hooked here. I don't drink and mix with downers. And I hardly ever charter flights from anywhere to anywhere these days.

The Asylum The tiny fists needs to be rewritten. That makes the picture of the pilot as a tiny person, which makes the scene of him cold-cocking Brent funny, and I don't think that was the angle the writer was looking for. I think without the tiny fists from the start, it would be a decent hook.

Cold Snap Sniveling Brent, how perfect. I can almost see him forcing Lita to join the Scientologists! This fits my cynical view of Hollywierd which may be why I like it.

best titleThe Asylum
third place Icy Cold
second place BTJVMMm:TO
first place Cold Snap


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Unwritten
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Entry 1: BTJ vs the MMM: take one
The “jealous frown” threw me off, since he talks about Lita in the next sentence. The conversation is an info dump. On the plus side, the huge dark winged creature is very cool. I like the second half of this much better than the first half.

Entry 2: Special Affects
I like this, although I need more information to make the setting believable. It’s difficult to ‘stride’ through the snow, especially in spike-heeled boots. (Trust me on this one.) It has a nice voice.

Entry 3: The Frozen Lens
I like the description. This is my favorite so far. We weren’t able to get far enough in to figure out why Brent was shouting, but I’d want to read more.

Entry 4: Icy Cold
I’m not sure this worked in first person, but I liked the way you just dove right in to the action.

Entry 5: Arctic Wild
First person works better in this one. The second to the last sentence uses “plane” redundantly.

Entry 6: The Asylum
This is my favorite so far, although for some reason Ed came across as much smaller than Brent, and I was completely caught off guard when he was able to knock him over. Of course, so was Brent.

Entry 7: Cold Snap
I like this. The POV is awkward though. Would he think of himself as “action star Brent Jones”? Other than that, I liked it.

Best Title: The Asylum
#1: The Asylum
#2: The Frozen Lens
#3: Cold Snap

[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited September 23, 2008).]


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snapper
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Entry # 1 Brent T Jones versus the Mutant Mountain Men: take one

Too much cramming in an effort to establish a hook makes this more confusing than compelling.


Entry #: 2 Special Affects

I liked that this was in Lita’s POV (at least I think it is). I didn’t like Lita was freaked, though. though. This one was a bit too telling for my taste. A little bit of dialog and this one would have done well.


Entry # 3 The Frozen Lens

Loved the first paragraph, nice set up. I’m mixed about the rest. The dialog was a bit too jarring, like the author tried too hard to hook us. I loved Lita, who had taken a Quaalude with a shot of tequila before take-off, Great way too show us what she’s about in one sentence.


Entry#:4 Icy cold

Looks like a Bradgelina story. Not bad but too much too soon. Wished I had some sort of an idea what happened to the plane.


Entry # 5 Arctic Wild

Nice opening. This makes me wonder who this is and what is going on. I’m hooked.


Entry # 6 The Asylum

Another great opening. Cut ‘tiny’ and it’s flawless in my eyes. Nice hook.


Entry# 7 Cold Snap

Another nice opening. It didn’t quite feel like the opening (more like the second scene) but it works.

I thought # 3 was going to win when I first started to read these but the last three came on strong. A great job by everyone.

Best Title #3 The Frozen Lens

First # 6 The Asylum

Second # 5 Arctic Wild

Third # 7 Cold Snap


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snapper
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Wow!

Everyone got a vote, and man was it close. Strong week all around. Four entries got a best title vote as well, but got three of them.

Best title The Frozen Lens by Philocinemas

First Cold snap by Alliedfive 19 points

Second The Frozen Lens by Philocinemas 18 points

Third Arctic Wild by Unwritten 16 points

The rest and how they did.


Brent T Jones versus the Mutant Mountain Men: take one by Snapper 7 points

Special Affects by Reagansgame 4 points

Icy Cold by LAJD 6 points

The Asylum by Billawaboy 13 points


Nice job everybody. Now I have a dilemma. Should we continue this or give it a rest for awhile? I am considering giving this a rest until after the new year. What does everyone else think? Would you like to keep this going or does everyone need a break?


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Unwritten
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But Snapper, I haven't got to be the Captain yet. Then again, I haven't had time to participate as much as I want to yet either, so maybe a sabbatical isn't a bad idea.
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LAJD
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I really, really like the 13 line challenge. It has been a great motivator for me, but I am now very motivated. I am up to my ears in other writing projects not to mention home, day job, blog etc. I will probably take a pass on the next couple of ones.

Maybe a 13 break is a good idea?

Leslie



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philocinemas
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I'll third that suggestion.

And I was so close, but yet so far away...


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snapper
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Would you like me to write the last synopsis for the year then? Or are you all ready for a break?
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philocinemas
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I'd be up for one last hoorah.
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billawaboy
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Maybe someone can run the contest for a while until Snapper returns to the helm?

I'm new to the contest and now have a taste for it so I'm good for a few more. If people need a break...well 3 month ain't too long.

~bb~


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