posted
This is a very rough first draft and the first time I have ever posted. Any suggestions will be increadibly helpful, thanks!
Had anyone had the eyes to see they might have seen a dark, sinuous serpent descending upon the capital of Dorain. Few had the eyes to see, and fewer still the power to change the coming course of events. Aspen watched the tea leaves in the bottom of his cup slowly uncurl as he poured in the hot water. When working at the palace with his father became too menial or too overwhelming—working at the palace could be sometimes be either—Aspen appreciated that he could escape to this little kafei hearth in the outer ring. Of course, Aspen enjoyed the political and intellectual debates that often took place here. Aspen’s five years of patronage made this kafei hearth a home away from home for him. Most of the time Aspen drank the dark, strong brew that the shop was known for—kafei. Today, however, Aspen felt like having a cup of tea. Something about the way the leaves unfurled in the hot water seemed incredibly symbolic.
posted
Sorry, I missed this one somehow. Welcome, WuSung.
Okay, you're starting us with OMNI POV, which some folks here don't like, so be prepared for that. Still, it's very clear. Although the language is interesting, I wonder why you feel the need to start with foreshadowing like this.
Watch your first sentence. "Had anyone had the eyes to see, they might have seen..." Besides the see/seen repetition this, for a moment, made me think that think that it was a world of the blind and a literal serpent was about to attack the capital. Be very, very careful about metaphors in the early parts of fantasy or SF. They are apt to be interpreted literally.
I think that Kathleen is right, that-if you keep this beginning--you ought to break this into two paragraphs so that the switch to limited POV is clearer. As it is, when Aspen was watching the tea leaves I though, "Cool, tasseomancy! Aspen's the only one that will see this coming because he can read tea leaves." But then you continue, and that's clearly not where you are going.
This is a philosophical question. Why do fantasy writers change the name of coffee but not tea? Everyone does it, why?
quote:When working at the palace with his father became too menial or too overwhelming—working at the palace could be sometimes be either—Aspen appreciated that he could escape to this little kafei hearth in the outer ring.
Grand. You've given us an amazing amount of milleau info in a very short space. Consider losing "working at the palace could sometimes be either" because it repeats what the first part of the sentence says. If you feel the need to emphasize that it could be either try reworking the sentence. The repetition isn't working.
You also use your protaganists name in every sentence after you introduce him. I think you can stand to add a few he's.
I'm also leary of "Something about...." phrases. Perhaps because I'm working to cut them from my own writing. It will be stronger if you tell us what the something is. Do the leaves unfurl like snakes? In sudden bursts? Writhing like tormented beings? Like dancers?
posted
I like the opening, it sounds all dark and mysterious. I don't have a problem with omni point of view sometimes; in openings it can be very effective, I think. They're right, though, it needs to be in its own paragraph. One thing confuses me a bit, and it's probably just me being nit-picky...ok, he works in the palace, right? And it's a dull job. But, why's he going off to drink tea in the middle of a workday? I mean, if he hasn't got a choice about leaving (and the kind of thing this is, that's the first thing my mind jumps to, that he's some sort of indentured servant or something) then he could get in a huge amount of trouble...not to mention it'd be really hard to get out. And if he's choosing to work there and getting paid and such, why hasn't he been fired for leaving the workplace randomly? And if he's on his lunch break or something, he's hardly escaping is he? Ok, I'll stop talking now... Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2004
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Yes, overall, a nice way with words. And the second sentence is VERY nice.
But...
I stumbled over the opening line--mainly because of the double 'had': talk about passive voice! Try simply:
"Anyone with eyes to see might have..."
And unless you have a rather compelling reason to not use pronouns in place of your protag's name, it gets a bit annoying. I count 6 uses of his name in these opening lines.
As for the rest, I see a great deal of doubling up on the information--tea leaves uncurling/unfurling in the hot water; working at the palace (and I agree--cut the '...working at the palace could sometimes be either...'); kafei--used three times in three almost consecutive lines.
I think you have great potential here, but the writing could be cleaner, tightened up. This thirteen lines could probably be redone and pared down to 7 ot 8. Maybe less.
quote: Had anyone had the eyes to see they might have seen a dark, sinuous serpent descending upon the capital of Dorain. Few had the eyes to see, and fewer still the power to change the coming course of events.
I would eliminate the second “had” in the first sentence, and would change the phrase “the coming course of events” to simply “the future.” I think this might correct the situation MaryRobinette pointed out. I am assuming the “dark, sinuous serpent” is a metaphor for something else?
posted
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back here, lightning fried my modem recently. My original typing of this story had this in two paragraphs, when I pasted it on the board all the sentences ran together. The whole thing being one paraghraph is an error created by my inexperience with this board.
The term 'Agony of the leaf' is a tea brewing term, it refers to the writhing of the tea leaves when hot water is poured over them. I am debating mentioning that before I begin the story.
About his taking time away from the palace, further into the story you find that an emergancy council meeting is slotted for that afternoon and the palace has been effectively closed until then.
I'm working on re-writing this passage and will re-post a presentable and revised version soon.
Thank you everyone for your feedback thus far, I've found most of it very helpful
posted
I agree completely. Frankly, I would never have even read this post myself, formatted that way, so I greatly appreciate those that took the time to read and it and make suggestions. Here's the editted post:
Anyone with eyes to see might have seen a dark, sinuous serpent descending upon the capital of Dorain. Few had the eyes to see such things, and fewer still the power to avert the coming storm.
Aspen watched the tea leaves in the bottom of his cup slowly uncurl as he poured in the hot water. When working at the palace with his father became too menial of too overwhelming he appreciated the fact that he could escape to this little coffee hearth in the outer ring. His five years of patronage msde this coffee hearth a home away from home for him. Most of the time he drank the dark, strong brew that the shop was known for, but today he felt like having a cup of tea. The way the leaves unfurled in the hot water, writhing like tormented souls, seemed incredibly symbolic.
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