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Snippet:

Day 1

This is not day one. I have no idea when day one came, day one could have been days, months, years ago. Don't think it was years, The Lab was (Sherridan scratched that out.) The cars (Scratched that out, too.)

Days don't matter until their gone, until you can't own your own. He took that first

The murmurings were rising up again, making Sherridan's head clench and feel too full.
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Two concerns. One, would the use of journal entries (ignoring any problems with my formatting above) be annoying? I plan to start nearly each scene with snippets from a journal and then like the next sentence, I plan on posting the rest in third person limited, from Sherridan's pov.

Two, I haven't found a way yet to indicate Sherridan discontinuing a previous thought or sentence in his journal. What originally was using was extra spaces between (like three spaces) between the end of one imcomplete sentence and the start of the next; now I'm trying having him scratch things out. Some critters have suggested dashes or elipses, but Sherridan doesn't even know how to use a semicolon, nor does he ever use one (in the journal), so I don't think he'd use dashes or elipses in this case. In fact, I don't think he'd ever use elipses.

Thanks,
Cya,
CC

[This message has been edited by cicerocat (edited September 08, 2004).]

[This message has been edited by cicerocat (edited September 08, 2004).]

Journals don't bother me per se, but this one in particular does. I was ok with it until you started writing incomplete thoughts. While I agree that people do this in real journals, it is much like the fact that people also really use "ums" and "ers" in speech. In fiction, we pass them by.

Basically, after you started doing that it came across as a teaser rather than ajournal entry. I could feel the hand of the author witholding just the right information. If you do journal e ntries, I think you need to really make me feel like this is something your protagonist would write. He needs a reason to write it and then what he writes needs to feel real.

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Would he know they're instead ot their? It jumped out at me and is gnawing at me.

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Good point. I know he doesn't use "took/taken" right in a later bit.

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If you do journal e ntries, I think you need to really make me feel like this is something your protagonist would write. He needs a reason to write it and then what he writes needs to feel real.

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He does have a reason to write it, and it is him holding back on the info there. There's certain things he won't think on or write on, though, or rather he tries to shortcircuit some painful thoughts. He's a little in denial at this point.

I think what I need to do is find a better way to convey all that. I'm leaning more towards the scratching out part, but I'm not sure if it works either. I think I'll revise the bit with the scratching out part instead of what I have and see what people think of that method.

Thanks for the help.

Using brackets will work fine, but instead of using the character's name, I would simply say, (scratched out).

[This message has been edited by Snowflake (edited September 08, 2004).]

Don't think it was years, The Lab was [ Sherridan scratched that out.]
The cars [ Sherridan scratched that out, too.]

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Using brackets will work fine, but instead of using the character's name, I would simply say, (scratched out).

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Ooh, good idea, Snowflake. I might be able to use that.

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Square brackets might help pull it out a bit more and adding the hard returns.

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The idea of square brakets sounds good too, Robyn.

Thanks,
Cya,
CC

If that's what your story needs, go for it.

If you are presenting the journal entries themselves (as chapter headings or something), rather than presenting scenes in which Sherridan is writing in a journal, then you must present the journal entry as an artifact.

If the text is still supposed to be semi-readable after being scratched out, then "Don't think it was years, T*e L*b w**- *h* c*r*-" or something like that is fine. If the text is supposed to be fully legible, just lined out, then simply line those phrases out. If it is supposed to be unreadable, then just asterisks will do.

I have no idea how to indicate in your manuscript words that should be lined out as well as italicized, though.

If you're writing a scene in which Sherridan is writing in a journal, then write that the way you would write a scene in which he does anything else, like driving a car. When you write a scene in which a character drives a car, do you try to invent some typographic convention for turning the wheel and stepping on the gas and all that?

ggg--->>>---bbb. LL-LR-ggg---<<->>-<<->>HH*&^%!bbb.

I'm sure that most of you could at least partially interpret that, the point is not that inventing and using such a convention would be impossible but that it would be silly.

If you're writing a scene in which Sherridan is writing in his journal, then write it in normal POV for all our sakes.

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If the text is supposed to be fully legible, just lined out, then simply line those phrases out.

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By lined out, you mean use a dash in place of the words? Like, if he drew a line through the word "Lab" in a sentence that says "The Lab is bad": The --- is bad.

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If you're writing a scene in which Sherridan is writing in his journal, then write it in normal POV for all our sakes.

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Not sure what you mean here. Are you saying not to write out what is in the journal entry? Or are you saying to not convey him scratching things out? Or to not convey him scratching things out by using, for example, square brackets around the words "He scratched that out"?

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Sherridan smoothed the blank page with his left hand, shifting his grip on the pen. He needed to write this all down, but it seemed overwhelming.

With a deep breath, he titled the page "Day 1" in careful letters. Almost immediately he wished he had a pencil instead, this wasn't the first day since...he left the title alone and started writing.

This is not day one. I have no idea when day one came, day one could have been days, months, years ago. Don't think it was years, The Lab was

He hesitated. That wasn't the right way to put it. Sherridan scratched out the last three words and wrote, "The cars". After only a moment he scratched that out too. Neither made any sense, nothing made any sense. Was the beginning of this important at all?

Days don't matter until their gone, until you can't own your own. He took that first

The murmurings were rising up again, making Sherridan's head clench and feel too full.

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Obviously this isn't the scene you imagined. But the scene you imagined is not in your text.

The thing that I’m pondering is the reason why journaling is being used.

You said in response to Christine's comment about withholding information:

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He does have a reason to write it, and it is him holding back on the info there. There's certain things he won't think on or write on, though, or rather he tries to short-circuit some painful thoughts. He's a little in denial at this point.

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I can understand what you are saying, but the fact that he is writing it down means that he wants to understand it. Normally when people use journaling they are trying to either figure something out, or record it for later review by themselves or others.
It seems to me like he is using it to try and make sense of whatever has happened. Therefore, he would not withhold information from himself.
If he’s a scientist, which the word "lab" clues me to believe, then he would record all of the facts in order to examine them to solve the problem. Why would he attempt to use journaling as a "problem solving tool" if he is not willing to recognize the problem he wants to solve?

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The thing that I’m pondering is the reason why journaling is being used.

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He has a couple reasons. The main one being, he thinks it's the only way to contain his own voice--he keeps hearing all these other voices, and they crowd out his thoughts and himself. But if he writes--no matter what he writes, except sometimes when what he writes gets himself really upset--he can focus on only his voice.

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If he’s a scientist, which the word "lab" clues me to believe, then he would record all of the facts in order to examine them to solve the problem.

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Close :-) Rather, he was what the scientists were researching on; basically he was the "lab rat". At first, he tries not to think too much on his time with the lab and the person who experimented on him, because he wants to let it go and reclaim his own life, and also because there are other problems that are pressing.

Hope that answers some questions.