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Quilanoptera, Queen of the Fey, knew her hour of desperation had come at last. She feared for her people. She feared the gamble she was about to take. She and her Fey Court gathered upon an old hill on the earth plane. The Blossom Night full moon, called by humans the Fey Moon, shone like an opal on a bed of dark blue velvet. Moonlight dyed the land a silvery indigo. Apple blossom petals swirled about like snowflakes. The distant merry cries of human revelry floated about on stray night breezes.
Greenbuck, her Consort, smelled their stench before anyone saw them. His woven grass cloak rustled as he planted a hoof forward, arms akimbo. His face was inscrutable behind his mask of oak leaves, though his green eyes glinted in the moonlight. His antlers branched up and swept forward.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 18, 2004).]
posted
Whoa, slow down there. There's great imagery here but you're introducing a lot of concepts very quickly. In each sentance I get something new that I have to fit into my world view.
In rapid order I have to understand Quilanoptera, Queen of the Fey and that's she's desperate. Then figure out the Fey Court and the earth plane. Followed immediately by the Blossom Night full moon, called by humans the Fey Moon
If you could shift "the Blossom Night full moon" later and give me time to get a picture of the queen and the night before starting to attach titles it would help.
It might just be me, but Quilanoptera and Greenbuck feel like they come from very different naming traditions. I like the description of Greenbuck.
posted
Quilanoptera is a tough name for your readers. It may not be a problem if this character is known by a nickname that is easier to manage. Otherwise it will slow down the reading whenever it comes up.
I agree with MaryRobinette that the descriptions come pretty quickly but I don't think it is a problem if you explain them soon.
I like the imagery but some of it is overdone. For instance look at the last sentence in the first paragraph. "The distant merry cries of human revelry floated about on stray night breezes." Do you need two words to describe each noun - "distant merry cries" and "stray night breezes". Also you used "about like" in the last sentence and "about on" in this one. This is repetitive and do you need the "about"?
I liked how you described Greenbuck. It is the highlight of this passage.
I'll second that too. Too many syllables. IMO, while her official name could be Quilanoptera, dropped in later in the story after hooking the reader, for now something like Quila would do.
posted
I have to agree with others, the start is too quick. I'm not really getting a sense of things because its all happening so quickly, and I'm not getting much POV to put it all in perspective.
Posts: 652 | Registered: Feb 2002
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posted
Quilanoptera, Queen of the Fey, knew her hour of desperation had come at last.
Her hour of desperation? Sounds a little strange. Is probably just personal taste, thogh. She feared for her people. She feared the gamble she was about to take. As a whole, this start is RAPID! The next segment is SLOW. Do not slur them so violently into each other. Instead, create a nice paragraph break.
She and her Fey Court had/were gathered upon an old hill on the earth plane. The Blossom Night full moon, called by humans the Fey Moon this info feels out of touch, shone like an opal on a bed of dark blue velvet. Moonlight dyed the land a silvery indigo. Apple blossom petals swirled about like snowflakes. The distant merry cries of human revelry floated about on stray night breezes.
You start one way: blindingly quickly (not bad or good, mind you)...then instead of explaining anything, switch off into stupendously slow description! You're relying on TENSION to make the reader focus on the details and see clearly the scene -- but that tension can not maintain itself in face of such a slow pace! We simply do not know enough of anything!
Greenbuck, her Consort, smelled their who are these "their"?stench before anyone saw them. His woven grass cloak rustled as he planted a hoof forward, arms akimbo. His face was inscrutable behind his mask of oak leaves, though his green eyes glinted in the moonlight. His antlers branched up and swept forward.
As a whole, this piece uses only one sentence structure. Noun, Verb, Extras. It is impossible to say if this has a negative effect on the writing. I suspect so, though. On some level, it becomes predictable.
Another issue, a more important one, is that this entire segment is "Told." What that means is we have no persepective to judge this from. It starts with the Queen of the Fey -- then zooms out to make comments about the Moon and Blossoms.
This means that we, as readers, have no reason to care about the unfolding saga.
Good luck! Remember, all that I say is purely subjective besides for factual statements.
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Magic, how would you feel about putting the first sentence at the end of the first paragraph? This might give you the opportunity to have a "free paragraph" of description before launching into the action.
E.g:
<Quilanoptera feared for her people. She feared the gamble she was about to take. She and her Fey Court gathered upon an old hill on the earth plane. The Blossom Night full moon, called by humans the Fey Moon, shone like an opal on a bed of dark blue velvet. Moonlight dyed the land a silvery indigo. Apple blossom petals swirled about like snowflakes. The distant merry cries of human revelry floated about on stray night breezes. Quilanoptera, Queen of the Fey, knew her hour of desperation had come at last.>
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Thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments. V. 3 is posted in a new topic, if anyone is interested in seeing if their comments were taken into account. Some were, some were not. All were valuable, and I thank you again.
Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Sorry to hear you've been ill! My sympathies!
You may have the first version, the one that begins with the little girl out in the woods. If so, please don't spend anymore time on it--I'm not going to use it. If you would care to review it in its new incarnation, let me know. If not, I will not be offended in the least.
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