posted
Just want a few opinions. This is all I have, so do you guys think I should I keep going? (Please don't give me that 'it's your story' crap)
How was this music possible? His hands were a blur on the fingerboard. The sound flowed out from his soul into his hands, through the strings, into the pickups and out the amps.
Ash watched it over and over. Jimmy Page playing his heart out at a concert. The DVD may be new, but White Summer was something Page played from his soul since before Led Zeppelin was even a chance remark from Keith Moon.
This is what Ash wanted to be. Of course he could never match the Hammer of the Gods himself, but he would certainly practice until his fingers fell off to get as close as he could.
Maybe one day he would find the rest of his band. Maybe they would be able to get lucky and get a record deal. Maybe he could one day play his soul for a packed stadium.
But for now he would watch the blur of fingers and wonder how the hell he would ever be able to do that.
[This message has been edited by ArCHeR (edited December 13, 2004).]
posted
It's not clear at the beginning that "His hands were a blur on the fingerboard" referred to someone other than the POV character. There were a few too many "playing from heart/soul" for my tastes, but it's an early draft.
I'm expecting this story to continue to have something to do with music and Ash's quest to become...a guitarist? I know this might come as a shock to you, but not everyone is as familiar with the music you're referring to. If he is a guitarist, "His hands were a blur on the fingerboard" is misleading since only one hand would be on there.
posted
No, both hands are on the fingerboard, which extends more than half the length of a guitar.
That said, a story about an aspiring guitarist who hasn't even gotten together a band yet probably isn't going to be the world's most interesting story. I mean, the indication here is that he's not even to the stage of being able to actually play a guitar himself, he's just watching a DVD of someone else doing it.
posted
I disagree, Survivor. It depends on the plot.
For example:
Let's say you have a guy who's inspired by Page (as per the frag above) and starts taking guitar lessons. His mom buys him a guitar and, after learning a few chords/songs, he starts showing off to his friends.
Now, let's say one of those friends gets curious, asks to look at the guitar and starts plunking around. Let's say that friend discovers, over the next few weeks, that he has a natural talent that far surpasses the main character.
In other words, this friend could be as great as Jimmy Page. Not only that, but this friend has the drive to do it as well. He adores playing the guitar as much as the main character.
How would the main character feel about this? Insanely jealous probably. Does he delude himself into thinking he's greater than he really is, or does he finally accept that he will never be as great as he wants to be? It would certainly be a test of friendship and, depending on how it's written, I would be interested in finding out what happens to both characters.
And yes, I know this has been done before. I really don't care. It's a storyline that still interests me.
posted
If you're thinking Rockstar, don't. This won't be a story about how someone gets swept up in trappings of Rock and Roll. Heck, don't even think about That Thing You Do (not to say that these are particularly bad stories).
Think of it more like The Beatles Anthology in narrative form from George's POV only.
quote:It's not clear at the beginning that "His hands were a blur on the fingerboard" referred to someone other than the POV character. There were a few too many "playing from heart/soul" for my tastes, but it's an early draft.
You're right on both accounts, now that I go back and re-read it. I'll clean it up
quote:"His hands were a blur on the fingerboard" is misleading since only one hand would be on there.
quote:No, both hands are on the fingerboard, which extends more than half the length of a guitar.
It depends on playing style, guitar, and even song as the case may be. If you're strumming on the fingerboard, you're going for a softer, warmer sound.
In the case of White Summer, I should change it anyway, b/c Page doesn't really let you see his strumming fingers too well, and they're not going fast enough to blur. I'd have to look at the DVD (yes, it's real!) again to see where he's strumming.
quote:That said, a story about an aspiring guitarist who hasn't even gotten together a band yet probably isn't going to be the world's most interesting story. I mean, the indication here is that he's not even to the stage of being able to actually play a guitar himself, he's just watching a DVD of someone else doing it.
Ah, but wouldn't the real story be him learning guitar and forming a band?
Just to let you know where I'm going with this, here's what I'm thinking:
He's watching this DVD when he's around 10-11. It's his older brother's. His brother has a crappy guitar from media play (just to give an idea of the quality), and Ash starts playing that.
On his 16th/18th birthday (or christmas, or graduation) he gets a Les Paul (the guitar Page mostly uses. For non-musicians, the Gibson Les Paul is the Coke to the Fender Stratocaster's Pepsi. I'll probably go into this in the story. Go here if you want more info).
It will either be brand new, or an old one an uncle had in his atic or something. Anyway, he talks to a friend who is in the school chior. The friend is a bass singer, and to Ash's surprise a bass player. This friend also brings in a tenor from the school chior who happens to have a good rock voice. To get a drummer, Ash turns to a friend in band (I have a particular scene in my head for this one).
When they finish school, the singer tells the band that his father is making him go to college. They all get the idea that he should become a voice major, and they all apply to the same schools to be various music majors. I'm not sure if I want to make any of the characters have to quit the band b/c of college rejection, or financial reasons. If so, they will be replaced by other music majors at the university where they end up.
They will definately add a new member in college to be a rythm guitarist/vocalist, making them a five-piece band. I'm not sure if I want to give any of the characters piano skills. The vocalist maybe?
After that, it's up to whatever pops into my head. So I'm not exactly sure if this band gets famous, etc. Heck, I'm not even sure on a name
posted
OK, so what's the story? Where's the main conflict? Right now it sounds like "Guy wants to play guitar, is supported by his family, goes to college and gets a good education while developing a high-quality band." It sounds like everything goes really well for him.
What goes wrong? What does he sacrifice? What does he struggle against? What difficult decisions does he have to make?
So far, I don't see any conflict in what you've described.
I know of at least one fellow Hatracker who's done the band thing, and my husband has gone through it as well. Plus, I've known people who wanted to go that route, and were music majors in college. It's not what you're trying to paint. The Beatles were very, very, very rare, and even they had major conflicts.
Now, if you said, you were going to show how many members a band can go through in a couple of years, I'd say you have conflict, but still no story.
Why?
Because there is no arc. There is no promise at the beginning and, therefore, no sense of fulfillment at the end.
Now, if you started with the main character on a stage surrounded by adoring fans, taking me back in time in a sort of "How the heck did we get here?" moment, then I might have some interest because you've made me a promise. You're going to show me how they got there, with all the conflicts and pitfalls and betrayals.
But I have no interest whatsoever in what you've described so far.
posted
Yeah, you're starting out with a character that really has nothing much at stake, after all. Nothing is certain, but there are significant probabilities involved here.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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Woops. Well, see I'm kinda conflicted on that. I don't want the stereotypical opposing band, or the equally stereotypical "rock and roll is evil/won't feed you" parents.
So I've thought up this one:
Remember Pete Best? He was the fifth Beatle. He didn't fit in, and we was replaced by Ringo to get the record deal.
Now let's say the same applies for one of Ash's band mattes. Not that I'm trying to copy Anthology, although I've made it sound that way a little. Instead of just not fitting in, he's very confrontational with the other band mates, and leaves/is kicked out after they get through college. He could then go on and create the stereotypical opposing band, if I could make it seem un-stereotypical.
When/if they hit it big, I don't want to go down the road of bandmates squabling until the band breaks apart. I'd rather go down the Led Zeppelin road and kill a member off to break them up, if I do indeed go into the breakup.
So what, then, of conflict after the achievement of fame? The temptations of sex and drugs? Ugh. WAAAAY too overdone. Perhaps there is a conflict, not between bandmates, but between the band and their fanbase. Think Bob Dylan going rock, or Hendrix trying to grow (if you don't get these references, don't worry).
posted
There are already several obvious conflicts suggested by someone who wants to make music their career. I think you could make it harder for the protagonist by not having anyone buy him his guitar. Let him earn the money to buy it himself. Then you get conflict by his desire to party/need to work/ not enough time for girlfriends etc.
Not sure about the evil band member, though it might be cool if he were really evil... But, hey, anything can work if you do it right.
posted
[ Lyrics deleted because there was no indication that you have permission to quote them. ]
Anyway, I just thought I would put up some of the lyrics to "Jukebox Hero" from Foreigner. I think this is kinda where you are going? And yes, this has been done and done. Bon Jovi, Van Halen, Def Leppard, (just to tip the iceberg) have all written songs about it, in one form or another.
This is a story that is close to most musicians hearts. This is how we all get started. You want to be the guy on stage, that is what you dream of, live for.
I personally had the Keith Moon substitution dream for a very long time. I went to just about every concert I could, secretly hoping the drummer would pass out and they would call me up there to finish the concert (not literally), but it would have been cool!
I'm not saying, "don't write this cliche story." Just write it with a different view. Something that hasn't been tried, or at the very least a fresh spin. It's going to have to be spectacular to catch anyones attention, because your audience is going to be wanna-be musicians like me. I gave up playing the drums shortly after getting married. But I still have that vision... you just need to find the right way of fulfilling that dream through your story. this could be a tough one for you.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 17, 2004).]
posted
Is it really cliched as a story? There are only two or three movies I can think of that have something similar to this. Of course the music would tell this story, it's a musician's story (as you said).
But either way, how many of those went into the actual character of every member of the band? How many covered the learning of the craft? The other ones are so caught up in getting the characters caught up in sex and drugs, they forget that there are characters in the story.
posted
The point I was trying to make is that this is an old story. Perhaps, not cliche' but it has been told... alot. Not just in movies, but TV commercials, songs lyrics, TV movies, books, VH1 specials, Video's etc...
That is why I say you are going to have to make it VERY fresh to get noticed. It will have to be accurate too, because of the audience.
I don't know if I agree of your choice of highlighting the entire band, but who knows? Maybe that is your fresh angle. Kind of like ALMOST FAMOUS with a twist?
Just from what I see you posting here, you think in a cinematic way, everything is written through a camera lens. Not an entirely bad way to write, but you are writing, not making a movie. I'd say you need to decide if this is a screenplay or a novel/short story and write it accordingly.
posted
I would have to disagree with that assessment. This passage is fully from Ash's POV, and at least 70% of the action is entirely internal, not something that an external camera could possibly see.
On the other hand, I have to agree that the material probably has little market outside of an audience which has been heavily saturated already.
posted
You could tell the story with a differant POV to get a new twist on it. How about if the story is from the POV of one of the band member's girlfriends, or even from one of thier moms, who is watching them go through all of this. Or from one of thier long-time roadies, or from the perspective of thier agent or the chick who designs thier wardrobe. It could even be from the POV of a devoted (but not psycho, that's been overdone) fan.
Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
While the Sherlock Holmes approach is interesting, you need to be inside the band to see inside the band. The fan one interested me, but it's still too limiting. I don't know...
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
I disagree. You don't need to be inside the band to see the dynamic. An outsider looking in has less emotional investment and would connect more to your audience than a band member who's too close to the action to see it for what it is.
[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited December 16, 2004).]
posted
The band member can be too close to the forest, but that doesn't mean the reader has to be. After all, this IS 3rd person omniscient.
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
What? No. I'm going to show the inside view as 3rd. That way I can be inside the band, but not inside their possible misconceptions of what's happening.
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jun 2004
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