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Author Topic: 13 lines
NilzarkK
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Here goes, approx 13 lines for your critiquing.
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The sea swept under the slick black hull of the seafaring vessel Seavixen. Lance stood on deck with most of the passengers surveying the sites. He shaded his eyes from the reflection of the sun and squinted towards the cliffs in the Bay of Torn. Birds hovered over the rocks in the shallows of the break water seeking prey. Some who had flown further out rode the wind along side the ship waiting for a hand out. They were the lazy ones he thought. Shooing them away to avoid a spotted jerkin became impossible; every time he threw his arm in the air they scrambled closer seeking the food he wasn’t tossing. So he gave up and just kept a good eye on them. Eventually they meandered to another part of the ship. Relieved at finally laying eyes on his home he headed to his quarters to prepare his things.

Lance never really liked traveling on the ocean, but if he wanted to see his brother every summer he had too. He especially hated the dank air of the interior. Inside the dim hall the tipping of the ship was more noticeable. Sweat stuck his shirt to his back as he opened the door to his room. Someone up forward in another room had been moaning all morning. His own gut swirled in sympathy. Hurry up and get out of here he thought. The smell of sweat and stale air affected him every time he came below. Real sleep was difficult at best.

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[This message has been edited by NilzarkK (edited January 29, 2005).]


Posts: 16 | Registered: Jan 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
HSO
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Hi,

I think the first paragraph doesn't add anything to the story of Lance. It tries to set up the scene, and it almost does that, but if you were to cut the entire paragraph, you would lose nothing.

The second paragraph is maybe where you want to start your story. But this, too, needs a lot of work.

quote:
Lance never really liked traveling on the ocean, but if he wanted to see his brother every summer he had too.

"never really" is a problem here. It would be better if you simply said that Lance did not like sailing. Also, while all of this could be one sentence, it might work better as two. Such as (simplified): Lance did not like sailing. Yet to visit his brother each summer, he had no other choice.

After that, discuss the ship... outside first if you want, then moving inside.

Also, your puncutation needs addressing in many places.


Posts: 1520 | Registered: Jun 2004  | Report this post to a Moderator
Survivor
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As it stands, I think that HSO is right about that first paragraph. If you want to keep it, there are some problems to address.

In the first sentence, "seafaring vessel" is completely redundent and adds just that little bit of extra alliteration to a phrase already on the verge of being a tongue-twister. Then Lance is looking at some kind of sites, but you don't tell us what these are, whether they are weapon emplacements or archological digs or something else. But the main problem is that the action of this paragragh is silly. Lance has this problem with the birds, then as soon as they leave him alone he goes below. That just makes no sense.

We learn the names of the ship and bay. But we probably won't remember either of these points later on. We also learn that the ship is near his old home port. But we could learn that with just a small tweak to the second paragraph. Given that the second paragraph also needs some work, this isn't a problem.

But I don't feel confident with what you're trying to do, so I can't give more specific advice beyond "work on it a while".


Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999  | Report this post to a Moderator
NilzarkK
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Hey thanks for the honest feedback. I've been looking around this forum and the main theme that's reoccuring is : skip all the beginning descriptions go for the action. I think this is good advice. I'm trying to fill in spaces with non important scene laungage. I am going to change this dramatically and see If I get a better response.
Posts: 16 | Registered: Jan 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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